The Shit I Find on my Phone | Mental Poo

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Shit I Find on my Phone

Before all the men and women out there look at this post's title and start freaking out that I'm about to post the pictures of their vaginas and penises and (not respectively...in most instances) and - in some cases - weird monkey fetishes let me be clear that I'm NOT going to do that. Mainly because I download that shit to my computer as soon as I get it and/or print it out to make a tasteful-yet-functional masturbatory mobile that hangs over my toilet (Patent Pending) but whatever.

Perhaps I've said too much.


NO.

This is about my new phone which has a touch screen and a 'drawing' program which my kids have somehow found and...

..well..

..here's what I find on my phone.

I open the drawing program because I needed to draw a penis I think (I can't remember day-to-day) and realize that there are NINE DRAWINGS on my phone that I did not do...and not a single one of a penis.

Phew.

1) I'M NUMBER ONE!


I look at the first drawing:


Fuck yeah, that's right.

#1 Dad.

#1 Dad who lets his kids go through his phone apparently without his knowledge because "Good Parenting = Ignoring your children" and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KIDS PLEASE DO NOT GO THROUGH MY PICTURES OR VIDEOS.

I need to lock that friggin' thing.

2) Peace Out

The next one I come across is this one:


Ugh.

Yay. Yay for peace.

I'm a Republican so coming across this type of shit just pisses me off.

3) Enter the Comedian

Next up is one from my son:



4+4=ate

I'm impressed with what he did here because he was able to combine math, art and comedy all in one fell swoop.

Kind of like how Hitler did it but with less math, comedy and art and more, you know, genocide.

So I guess nothing like Hitler AT ALL.

Speaking of disturbing shit...

4) WHAT. THE. HELL

So I continue to scroll through my pictures when..

..I find...

THIS:



Bloody Lake.

So it was kind of like, "Oh look daddy YOU'RE #1! and we should celebrate world peace with maybe some silly humor but DON'T TURN YOUR BACK DOUCHE OR WE WILL KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU DEAD AND THE LAKES WILL TURN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD."

Um.

*delete

*delete *delete *delete

While I'm at it, I'm getting rid of the pictures and videos, too.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

Glad someone can.

Moog out.

23 comments:

Sarah P said...

Aw. Maybe she wants you to know she got her period.

You're welcome.

Mike said...

My friends kids did something similar to my phone but they are no where near as creative as your kids. All I got was pictures of dogs and cats all prettied up. No imagination those ones.

Christina_the_wench said...

To Sarah P - way to put him over the edge. *high five*

notactuallygod said...

Your masturbatory mobile looks like Sadaam.

Random Girl said...

two words: password protect
You are lucky that's all you found, and all they decided to do to your phone.

Eva Gallant said...

There's obviously no shortage of talent or humor in your offspring!

Knight said...

Bloody Lake? Amazing. If I ever had kids I would wonder if you had adopted them right about now.

When were you accepting photo submissions? How did I miss that?

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

Forget a lock on your phone, you need a lock on your bedroom door. Especially if your daughter got her period. It will only get scarier now.

dana said...

It's all code: "We will smash daddy until he resembles a BLOODY LAKE and (4 + 4 =) ATE him because he's #1 on our list.

You should be working with them on their grammar. ATE is past tense.

Just trying to help you see what the real problem is.

Devon said...

OMG. Thank you so much for that laugh. Bloody Lake. lol!

Moooooog35 said...

Sarah: that bang you just heard was me shooting myself.

mike: you need to tell them to step it up. wtf.

Christina: more like 'push me over the edge'

notactually: I know. How awesome is that?!

random: I know. I should probably protect my laptop, too.

*shudders

eva: This surprises you?

Knight: I'm always taking submissions. Or submissives. However you want to play it.

Trucking: sometimes I hate you people.

dana: you're a peach. thanks.

Devon: you're welcome.

*takes bow

Kev D. said...

Lake? More of a pond, really. Tell your kids to get their shit straight.

SisterMerryHellish said...

Are you sure the bloody lake is an omen of patricide or a passive aggressive way of telling you you'll have to stock your bathroom from the awkward lady stuff aisle on the weekends?

jack mehoff said...

i see those masturbation mobiles runnin around all over town - with their catchy yet creepy ice cream songs playing via bull horn and the blacked out windows and the whole outdated yet still running 70's chevy molester van selling their dreamsicles....i got yer dreamsicle right here...ridiculous!

Anonymous said...

That seriously looks like Sadaam.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

And when you wind up the Official Moooooog Masturbatory Mobile (patent pending), I assume it plays music. Might I suggest a few songs?

Beat It
All By Myself
Wouldn't You Give Your Hand to a Friend
Hold Me Tight

You get the idea. I'll be looking for my royalty checks.

Jay Ferris said...

I especially like the mini-version of Bloody Lake in the top right of the #1 Dad picture.

meleah rebeccah said...

You're kids are awesome. That is all.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Come on, the kids have to learn about the "weird shit daddy looks at" sometime, might as well be now! You damn Republicans need to get that broom out of your ass and SHOW THE KIDS THE REAL WORLD!

Actually wait....I'm not sure ADULTS are ready for your real world dude.

Stacie's Madness said...

ah, kids. they are so awesomely scary.

Brandy Rose said...

Figuring out which kid you need to be afraid of is the fun part.

badlarry said...

Just going by the title alone I thought this was gonna be like the time you dropped your wife's pen in the toilet, only way more expensive.

bitchypants said...

The bloody lake made me choke on my frou-frou bitch coffee.

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