Mental Poo: the shit I find on my phone

Another episode of "Shit I Find on my Phone" which is basically me going through my phone and finding pictures of stuff I WANTED to write about but then forgot.

The Race Card

I got this in the mail the other day:

My thoughts were, like, "Wow...this seems a little racist" but then I was, like, "THE RACE CARD IS REAL?!?"

And then I got the card and received two unearned promotions and was acquitted of murder. In my defense, though, the gloves were a little tight.

The Worst TruGreen Chemlawn Endorsement Ever

I was walking my dog when I came across this:

Dude.

I don't know how much you're paying for this service, but whatever it is it's way too much.

Then my dog shit on his lawn.

Insult to injury, really.

********************

Episode #1 of "Shit I Find on my Phone" can be found here.

Before all the men and women out there look at this post's title and start freaking out that I'm about to post the pictures of their vaginas and penises and (not respectively...in most instances) and - in some cases - weird monkey fetishes let me be clear that I'm NOT going to do that. Mainly because I download that shit to my computer as soon as I get it and/or print it out to make a tasteful-yet-functional masturbatory mobile that hangs over my toilet (Patent Pending) but whatever.

Perhaps I've said too much.

NO.

This is about my new phone which has a touch screen and a 'drawing' program which my kids have somehow found and...

..well..

..here's what I find on my phone.

I open the drawing program because I needed to draw a penis I think (I can't remember day-to-day) and realize that there are NINE DRAWINGS on my phone that I did not do...and not a single one of a penis.

Phew.

1) I'M NUMBER ONE!

I look at the first drawing:

Fuck yeah, that's right.

#1 Dad.

#1 Dad who lets his kids go through his phone apparently without his knowledge because "Good Parenting = Ignoring your children" and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KIDS PLEASE DO NOT GO THROUGH MY PICTURES OR VIDEOS.

I need to lock that friggin' thing.

2) Peace Out

The next one I come across is this one:

Ugh.

Yay. Yay for peace.

I'm a Republican so coming across this type of shit just pisses me off.

3) Enter the Comedian

Next up is one from my son:

4+4=ate

I'm impressed with what he did here because he was able to combine math, art and comedy all in one fell swoop.

Kind of like how Hitler did it but with less math, comedy and art and more, you know, genocide.

So I guess nothing like Hitler AT ALL.

Speaking of disturbing shit...

4) WHAT. THE. HELL

So I continue to scroll through my pictures when..

..I find...

THIS:

Bloody Lake.

So it was kind of like, "Oh look daddy YOU'RE #1! and we should celebrate world peace with maybe some silly humor but DON'T TURN YOUR BACK DOUCHE OR WE WILL KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU DEAD AND THE LAKES WILL TURN RED WITH YOUR BLOOD."

Um.

*delete

*delete *delete *delete

While I'm at it, I'm getting rid of the pictures and videos, too.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

Glad someone can.

Moog out.