A Loooooooooooovial Gold! | Mental Poo

Thursday, June 02, 2011

A Loooooooooooovial Gold!

I had no idea what to title this post.


Regardless..I got this email the other day:





We are pleased to make this offer of our product under the penalty of perjury and with full cooperate and legal responsibility to the following terms and conditions.

1. Product: AU Metal (Gold)
2. Origin: Burkina-Faso West Africa
3. Type: Alluvial
4. Purity: 22.5 Carat or 92%
5.Quantity: 100-550 kilos
6.Price: $25,000 per kg


One representative of the buyer is suppose to come down to Ouagadougou,BURKINA-FASO) for the inspection and random sampling of our Gold Bars. or make plans for the golds to be ship to his/her destination. We look forward to establishing a long lasting business relationship with you.

I am expecting your reply soonest with your personal information as follow:

(1) Your Full Name:.................
(2) Your Full Address:..............
(3) Your Phone Number:..............
(4) Your Company Name:................
(5) Your Age:.......................
(6) Your Nationality:...............


Mr. Simon Patrick,
Marketing Manager Of Ouaga Gold Trade Company.


So..I did what any normal person would do.

Deleted it.


Here's my actual reply:


Dear Mr. Simon Patrick,

This may come as a complete shock to you, but I was just emailing YOU, fine sir, to see if YOU wanted to buy any of MY Alluvial Gold Dust.

The fuck, right?

Crazy coincidence, or Jessica Tandy-like twisted hand of fate?! Either way, I think it so!

Whacky world we live in, am I right, Simon? Of course I am. But you know this anyway, being in the mixed-up, topsy turvy world of Alluvial Gold Dust sales!

Like Fozzy Bear says: waka-waka-waka!

I love the Muppets. Do you think that Kermit and Miss Piggy ever really banged? What do you think the baby looked like? I'm thinking frog head on pig body.

HAHAHA. I said 'head.'

And then frog-pig baby laughed like, "ribbit oink!" and the swamp became eerily quiet.

I'm going to make that the first line in my romance novel. I will send you a copy!

Where was I?

OH. Alluvial Gold!

So, instead, why don't YOU send me YOUR information so I can complete the transaction to Ouagadougou which is OH MY GOD the most fun name to say on the planet because I can't stop going, "A-ooooooga...dougou!" which is like a train coming and then it sneezes.


God bless you, train!

Try it at home kids!

Do you have kids? Aren't they delicious? Mine taste like almonds! Probably because of the cyanide.

To prove I'm deadly serious, here is a picture of the Pope juggling cats:

Send me the following information to complete our transaction!

1) Your Full Name.......
2) Your Half Name.....
3) Name that Tune.....
4) Pygmies, Fact or Fiction?.....
5) Include three photos of your nearest female relative not living with you with breasts exposed....
6) Where were you when Michael Jackson died?....

I look forward to our illustrious Alluvial Gold Dust (there's a tongue-twister Simon!) partnership and the photos of the breasts.

Heil Hitler!



And then I sent it.

I have not heard back from Mr. Simon Patrick so I don't know where our Alluvial Gold deal stands nor do I know where he was when Michael Jackson died.

It's a cruel world in Ouagadougou, my friends.

My God, that's so fun to say.

Moog out.


Brutalism said...

One of my good friends went to Ouagadougou last year on business.

And all he got me was this lousy t-shirt.

Ann said...

Wait...they weren't offering you a free trip? It sounded like a free trip to me. How else are you supposed to inspect all that gold?

Bet it's a time share scam.

laughingmom said...

I thought alluvial gold was what kids mined when they picked their noses???

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

I'm pretty sure I snorted some alluvial gold dust at a college party once. A week later I was with Michael Jackson Ouagadougou.

Mike said...

You know, I hate to be a buzzkill, but I will.

Alluvial gold is the stuff that people pan for, when say a stream of water is eroding a gold vein somewhere upstream and then you get the old guys with the pans squatting by the river panning for gold.

Would you like to buy any of my alluvial gold? I am selling it for $23,999 a kilogram and have approximately 0.00001 kilograms for sale and I want that week of my life back.

Mrs. Pickle said...

Looking at that spam picture made me want some.


Lady Estrogen said...

Just. Awesome.
OK, so I was alway concerned with the whole frog-pig hook-up too, even as a child. I really don't think he could have fulfilled her needs.

Unknown said...

You and Skunkfeathers just might put scammers out of business!

badlarry said...

Please tell me I'm not the only one upon reading the title of this post to instantly flashback on Mike Myers as Goldmember?

Unknown said...

Beautiful. Just beautiful. You are the KING of spam responses. I'm too scared to do it, because they say it just validates your email address to all the spammers out there.

Handflapper said...

Please don't tell my husband, but I think I just fell in love with you.

Caleb said...

Awesome, Moogster!

I used to email back all the time. Only once, in years, did someone ever get back to me. They were defensive for some reason, standing by their scam. I called them out and a heated exchange ensued.

Yeah- like there's a store called "Sears" As if!


Elisa said...

I'm in love with your humor [insert witty comment here] Thank you good sir!

Anonymous said...

I'm betting Miss Piggy never did reverse cowgirl. Just sayin'.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I was gonna warn you about spelling and grammar errors being a clue to spam...but I think you've got it covered.

Moooooog35 said...

I sincerely apologize for not returning comments but I'm a week away from closing on my house AND my insurance declined my pharmacy's request for Levitra so I'm kind of scrambling in between house stuff and erection stuff.

Thank you for understanding.

notactuallygod said...

I was going to warn you to lay off the meth a while, but then I hit the cat-juggling pope pic and it seemed worth the price.

Ann said...

I was so busy thinking about the gold that I forgot about the whole Piggy/Kermit progeny issue. I always figured it would be some mutant creature like Ribbit the ribwich mascot on the Simpsons,that sat there unmoving just whimpering out "kill meeeee"

On the other hand it brings up the whole Donkey/Dragon issue from Shrek. How did they get such cute mutant babies? AND how did the Donkey manage to climb that mountain?

Great, now all I can think about is mutant muppets and cartoons.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Do you have kids? Aren't they delicious? Mine taste like almonds! Probably because of the cyanide"

Okay, that made me spit coffee all over my screen. Now you owe me a new computer.

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