GUEST POST! - What’s for Dinner? You Are! | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

GUEST POST! - What’s for Dinner? You Are!


So it's July and I'm taking some time off because it's what sloths DO and my call to have some bloggers guest post for me did not go unanswered!!

FINALLY.

Here's my first guest post from The Sarcasm Goddess (okay, okay..wtf is up with you women and the 'sarcasm' shit?) from the blog, For the Love of Writing.

When she sent it to me, she also emailed me with this:

"Feel free to correct any typos. I have proofed it, but I've also had six different anxiety attacks during the process so I no longer know what I'm reading."

Awesome.

Enjoy!

*****************************

It’s known to most as The Great Blizzard of 2010, but to the residents of some backward-ass hick town in Tennessee it’s more commonly referred to as Two Idiots from Florida Go to Gatlinburg.

I shouldn’t say that about Tennessee. Their people are very nice and probably only a few are cannibals. And by a few, I mean all the f*cking people. But really, what else are they supposed to do with the all the dead bodies lining their we-don’t-have-enough- plows-and-gee-golly-would-you-look-at-all-this-snow covered roads?

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the part where I’m a cocky little shit.

The husband and I decided to go to Gatlinburg for our winter vacation last year, because nothing says second honeymoon like 47 rounds of miniature golf and endless amounts of fudge.

My mother asked us if we’d checked the weather report and we were all, “Psht. Snow is stupid,” loaded up the truck and were on our way.

We rented a book on tape cuz what better to way to spend 187 hours in the car than listening to a woman whose voice makes you want to drive a rusty metal pipe in your ear canal. Honestly, listening to your Great Aunt Mildred talking about her latest hemorrhoid flare up was preferable to this woman.

“Can you see it, Johnny? Rub some ointment on it, would ya?”

The snow started falling just outside of Ashville and people were crashing into guardrails, plowing into mountains and in general, sliding all over the road. I was all “Bahahaha. What a bunch of morons. How hard is it to drive in snow?”

Cue night fall, a traffic jam, and the decision to get off the main road, and we were about to find out.

For the first thirty seconds, all went according to our very complex and detailed plan of Keep the Truck on the Road. We were driving like my sweet dearly departed grandparents. And by that I mean we were driving slow, not that one of us is practically blind and receiving instruction from the other one of us.

Uh huh, yep. That’s a true story. My grandparents picked me up from school every day when I was in the first grade. My grandmother couldn’t drive and my grandfather couldn’t see. Problem, right? Hells no! Grandpa drove and Grandma told him where to go. Duh.

“What out for that trashcan, Russ!”

That trashcan never stood a chance. To a six year old girl, it was hilarious. To a twenty-something adult, the thought is f*ckin terrifying. Growing up sucks.

Apparently it’s a big no-no to slam on the brakes when driving in snow and oh shit, look at that, we’re sliding backwards toward a giant-ass ditch. The mountains are fun!

We came to a stop all tilted and angley like in a crap ton of snow. Which is way less than a shit ton, but only slightly more than I-just-drank-six-cups-of-coffee-and-my-ass-is-going-to-explode ton.

People immediately stopped to help us.

Aww how sweet.

Yeah, no. I mean, seriously. Have you guys seen Hostel or one of the 27 Saws? I haven’t, but I’m pretty sure they go something like this, oh hey people trapped in snow, let me help you and then force you to cut your own limbs off and eat your kidneys.

Thanks, but I’m full.

We finally accepted help from some teenagers from Florida who offered to pull us out with chains.

Time. Out.

People from Florida are going to rescue people buried in snow?

Bahahahahaha. You’re funny.

You know what else is funny? Sliding some more and then slamming into a tree, which is all the teens managed to accomplish.

They were all, “Sorry dude,” and then scampered off to begin working on being the next stars of 16 and Pregnant.

In case you’re wondering, we did call Triple A, but they were all, “oh you guys in the tundra? we rescued you, like, thirty minutes ago.”

Oh really Triple A? Then why they hell are we still balls deep in snow?

At that point we knew we were at the mercy of the cannibals.

A hearty band of meat-eaters showed up about two hours into our very own version of I Shouldn’t Be Alive and were all, “you guys still here? we can go get our tractur from ther bar and pull yer out.”

The husband thought this was a dandy idea and off went the cannibals while I was all, “the bar? the bar! the people who are going to rescue us are a bunch of drunk assholes who leave their tractor at the bar?!”

The husband: "Barnnn. They’re going to the barn."

I wasn’t convinced and spent the next fifteen minutes losing my shit, until…

What’s that?

A light.

A soft glow.

An orange ember.

Growing brighter. Coming closer.

Oh look, it’s a precariously perched cigarette on the lips of that man with a mullet and goatee, wearing flannel, dirty boots and carpenter’s gloves, walking down the middle of a mountain road in the dead of night during a blizzard.

How nice; he’s stopping outside my door. He’s staring at us. He’s telling us to roll down the window.

Me: "Uh, thanks, but, um, we’re waiting for a tractor."

Guy with mullet: "I am the tractor."

No need for a calculator on this one, folks!

You helplessly buried in snow + crazy flannel-wearing mountain guy = you’re about to be eaten.

The husband and I were debating whether it was even worth putting up a fight, when suddenly there were lights! From a tractor!

Oh happy day. I insisted the husband and I wait outside the truck and stand in the middle of the road, prepared to bolt in the opposite direction the truck was sure to slide when it broke free from the chains.

“What she doin’? She standin in the middle of the road? What the hell for?”

“Bitch is crazy.”

After only two tries they got the truck free. The husband and I offered to shower them with money or at least buy them some new flannel, but mullet guy was all, “no no. this is what we do. we sit up in our trailur an watch fer people to git stuck in the snow an then rescue em. oh, and I don’t blame ya fer not rollin down yur window. kinda scary havin a man walk up to yer truck, but don’t worry, we left our banjos at home.”

They left. Their banjos. At home.

Hahahahaha! Cannibal jokes are funny. No really, they are. Now, which way back to
Florida?

*******************

See?

SEE?!?!

Shit like this is why I try to stay up North.

Virginia is still considered 'north,' right? Cuz that's where I am right now on vacation.

Pray for me.

That post was amazing. Thanks to Sarcasm Goddess for surviving her anxiety attacks long enough to bless us with this post. Go check her out at "For the Love of Writing" and tell her Moooooog sent you.

I get a coupon for a banjo.

20 comments:

Mike said...

Southern folks are pussies.

Signed

- A Canadian.

Christina_the_wench said...

You should pay these women. No, not with the usual cab fare and dry-cleaning coupon. Real money. These chicks are hilarious.

Eva Gallant said...

What a great story! Loved it. Rodney, you should go on vacation more often! lol

Ed said...

Epic.

And really, you being a woman, if you had been eaten, would that have been a "bad" thing?

tyler_faye said...

hahaha this was awesome!

Joshua said...

Having grown up in the Great White North(side of Chicago), I found it particularly interesting that I got to take a week off in January without using vacation because people are just stupid in Atlanta when it snows. Made my neighbor (who's from Minnesota) and I laugh our asses off at cars sliding all over the place.

SarcasmInAction said...

LOVE it woman! you did excellent, just as I knew you would....

Ain't sarcasm grand?

Ann said...

Oh my freakin God! This story sounds just like the spring break that my car blew up (yes motor blew up) in Georgia. There was a blizzard, there were creepy guys, there was a tractor, we thought that we were going to die.

The only difference I see is that I have seen Deliverance and would have completely lost my shit at the banjo remark.

FluteItUp said...

Tennessee is still considered south to me. I'm trying to imagine how much snow it really was too.. a couple of inches? But really, living in Idaho where snow is a requirement of winter, if someone gets stuck it's common practice to help

SharonCville said...

Virginia is definitely the South, but we do know about snow-- we usually get it every winter (go figure). Where it's different from the North is the ICE. You see, down here it warms up just enough during the day to let the snow melt a little, then plunges back into the teens overnight, freezing everything into solid blocks of former-slush interspersed with "black ice." We pull a lot of overconfident Yankees out of ditches down here.

I thought the banjo remark was hilarious!

You should be safe for now. At least from the snow. Temps are supposed to top 100 by Friday. Virginia: Where we get the worst of both seasons.

Lynn MacDonald said...

Southerners are morons in the snow. I say this because I live in NC and I see it all the time.

I'm pretty sure I told u I'd guest post if u wanted.

00dozo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
00dozo said...

Your welcome.

;-)

mom2kiddos said...

Haha!! What an imagination. I think Hollywood's getting to your head, but then again, if put in that situation, I'd probably have a panic attack too!

Sarah Pearson said...

See, this is why I don't drive. So I won't get eaten by cannibals :)

Jessica said...

Not sure I ever want to travel to the southern part of the country now. I'm a little freaked by cannibals.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Oh so funny, Sarcasm Goddess. As always, you never fail to make me laugh. I am a little surprised you did not write the word vagina once.

If I Were God... said...

Was that post meant to occupy ALL our time while you were away? I think they cured cancer, found life on other planets and established world peace by the time I finished! I took a break in the middle to read War And Peace.

-so you wanted sarcasm, didya?

Enjoy your vay-cay and COME BACK SOON!

Momma Teacher Lady said...

Love this!

http://mommateacherlady.blogspot.com

Sandra said...

Hurray! I loved this! But I'm Canadian, so I feel this overwhelming urge to be condescending, but I won't, 'cause I love ya!

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