The Spanish American Anthem | Mental Poo

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Spanish American Anthem

My ex-father-in-law is now in on the act.

Let me explain.

As most of my regular readers know, one of my favorite pastimes is lying to my children.

Seriously. Making shit up is one of the reasons I had kids in the first place.

That, and the tax deductions.

Hold on..hold on..they're calling me for something.



reasons to have children
Where was I?

Oh. My father-in-law.

So, my daughter, Payton, is practicing for her chorus concert which includes the singing of the National Anthem.

So, for 5 frigging weeks all I hear is:

"OooooohhhHHH Saaayyyyyieieeee can youuuuuoouou seeEEEee..."

She's horrible.

If Proctor & Gamble made a product called 'Instant Deaf' I would have overdosed on it by now.

instant deaf
So, the other night I can hear Payton and my son, Cameron, arguing about something.

I was doing my usual, which is sitting on the couch trying to look invisible.

I mean, if Kevin Bacon can do it, how difficult can it be, really?

Cam: "Dad?"


Kevin Bacon, what is your invisibility secret?!?!?

Me: "What?"

Cam: "Was the National Anthem made during a baseball game?"

* blink

Me: "What?"

"I told Cam that the National Anthem was made during war time, but HE says it was made up at a baseball game."

* crickets

Me: "Cam..they SING it at baseball games, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't invented at a baseball game."

He looks confused.

Because here... is where my ex-father-in-law comes in.

Cam: "Because Grampy told me that there was a guy at a baseball game named Jose, and a big guy sat in front of him and then the people around him felt bad and asked him, 'Jose...can you see?'...and that's how they made the National Anthem."

* blink


My father in law is a goddamn genius.

Here I was...all this time...thinking that lying to my children and telling them shit like raisins are actually made from people and that my other kid blew away in a stiff breeze and that Jesus Christ's middle initial is actually "H" for fun and profit was MY job..

..when he steps up to the plate and BLAMMO my kid thinks the National Anthem was made because a Spanish guy had an obstructed view at a Red Sox game.

I'm gonna have to step it up.

That was brilliant.


Unknown said...

Loved this post! I used to lie to my kids, too. Once I was treading water in a swimming pool and my then 12-year-old son asked if I was touching bottom. I said yes. He jumped in and promptly went under. He came up coughing and said, "Thanks a lot, Mom!" and then we both had a good laugh.

Ed said...

Gramps did a pretty good one.

I lie to my kids all the time.

"Of course I love you."


"Yes, I'm your father."

It builds character.

Miss Yvonne said...

Shit, my kids are grown. I can't believe I didn't think of that one when they were little. Damn it.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Because Grampy told me that there was a guy at a baseball game named Jose, and a big guy sat in front of him and then the people around him felt bad and asked him, 'Jose...can you see?'...and that's how they made the National Anthem."

OMG! Your ex-father-in-law really IS a genius!

Anonymous said...

This is pure hilarity. There are times that I question my strong objection to ever having children for the pure fact that lying to them seems like it would be so much fun. Then I remember all annoying whining and think, "Nah...I'll just lie to stranger's kids."

Unknown said...

Awe. Sum.

Annie Boreson said...

That truly is brilliant.

Steve Bailey said...

Well it does end with "home of the Braves".... so?

Silver said...

Please write a post in reply to this "Boycott" comment. pleeeeeze.

Moooooog35 said...

Eva: This post was written literally two years ago and I'm just getting around to posting it. As they get older, it gets harder to fool them.

Ed: Aw. Passing the torch, eh?

Yvonne: YOU'RE ALIVE?!?!?

Meleah: Too bad it isn't hereditary.

Jewels: Honestly. Sometimes the lying actually makes it worth it.

Nanny: I agree.

Annie: I wish I could take credit for this one.


Silver: I deleted that. That guy is a turd AND he doesn't allow comments on his blog. Tough guy.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Director's cut of Hallow Man? Look whose being a Mr. Fancy Pants. Can I get you another brandy Mr. Rockefeller?

Britt said...

That is freaking amazing.
Think of all the Americans that would be pleased to know their national anthem was really started because of a Mexican. Amazeballs.

This isn't meant to sound racist. I'm Canadian, we're neutral like the Swiss.

Mildred Ratched said...

Wow! I think I'm in love. What are the odds of your ex father-in-law marrying me and having my babies?

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