Conversations at a Funeral | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Conversations at a Funeral

My uncle died recently and because I am related to my mother I am obligated to go to such affairs like wakes and funerals and Thanksgiving.

I don’t like funerals. Not because they’re depressing but because I have, like, one suit and one tie and I usually consider wearing a shirt with no logo on it as ‘dressing up.’

So as my cousins and I are standing around the funeral hall, the following conversations took place:

***************
Scene: I didn't realize that I was standing in front of one of the doors to get into the funeral home.

Cousin K:
“Dude, you’re right in the way. People can’t get in.”

Cousin J: “That’s because he’s in ‘bouncer mode.’”

Me: “Right - we should do this like it's a night club and only let the hot chicks in."

*I look out the door and point randomly*

Me: “You’re okay..you’re okay..woops. Sorry. We’re full. You’re okay..you’re okay.."

***************
Scene: My aunt asks my cousin if he signed the Guest Book. Later, I go stand next to my mom.

Me: “Mom. Why are people signing the guest book?”

Mom: “So we can send out ‘thank you’ cards.”

Me: “I never get a ‘thank you’ card from coming to a funeral. I thought you signed it for some type of raffle or giveaway.”

Uncle: “…”

Mom: “Rod..”

Me: “I would just come to random funerals and act sad and then enter my name for a chance to win a Pepperidge Farms basket.”

Mom: “You’re insane.”

Me: “This is an amazing idea. If that’s what it was for, I’d be a lot more excited about coming to funerals. In fact, when you die, I’ll probably start this as a new tradition. The winner will get a Chili’s gift certificate or, like, $10 in Kohl’s Cash.”

Mom: “Nice.”

***************
Scene: Just before leaving, the funeral hall empties and only the pallbearers – who I’m one of – are left.

Me: “We have seven pallbearers.”

Counsin G: “I know. That’s weird to have an odd number.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll ride on top.”

***************
Scene: Standing with a few of my cousins looking at the flowers.

Me: “I don’t think I’ve ever sent flowers for a funeral.”

Cousin J: “Yeah. I’m not sure of the point of it.”

Me: “It would be more practical to send an Edible Arrangement. I’m going to do that. That’s how you’d know it was mine without looking at the card. There’d be a bunch of wreaths with roses and shit, and then a big basket of pineapples and bananas. Then at least we’d have snacks instead of these stupid mints they put out.”

***************

..and then I went home and put on a shirt with a logo on it.

There. Much better.

18 comments:

jack mehoff said...

"fine. i'll ride on top."

love it. humor. its the only way to get through.....well life really....and death.

Christina_the_wench said...

Will you be a pall bearer at my funeral? I prefer beer and pretzels to edible arrangements though. Oh, and peanuts you can just throw on the floor. I am a classy chick.

Eva Gallant said...

Humor does make it easier to get through a funeral. I was at a funeral and one of my uncles said to me, "You know, some people think cemetery plots are expensive, but when you consider how long you're going to use it...."

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I want you to come to my funeral. (incidentally I'm sure I'll be going to hell based on how much I laughed at this post. Awesome.. I love the bouncer thing)

Knight said...

You just shook my world to the core. I haven't been to a funeral in so long I forgot how strange they are. At what point in life do you realize you are going to attend a lot of funerals and slowly watch everyone you know die?

You are hilarious. I'm sorry for your loss.

Pat said...

Comic relief at a funeral home. Fun stuff!

Rebecca said...

This is great. I love the no flowers idea...food instead.

Useless Housewife said...

Well seriously, flowers that are going to die for a dead person. What's the point? Do you want to put each arrangement next to them and snap a photo for the memory?

Shawn said...

And what the hell is with the open casket? I don't want to see the guy after he died. I didn't want to see him before he died! So why would I want to see him dead and in makeup?!

Ed said...

Am I the only one who cauht that your Uncle said "..."?

Because, what else would a dead person say at their funeral?

Genius!

Tonya said...

Also, an edible arrangement would be a great way to make sure that the person in the open casket is in fact dead. Because, really, who can resist a pineapple strawberry combo made to look like a flower?

So. Cal. Gal said...

I was supposed to go to 2 funerals in the last month. I missed the 1st one because I had a 104.5 temperature. I missed the 2nd one because I have back pain.

See? There ARE perks to disability.

The Onion said...

My Uncle passed away this past summer as well, I am sorry for your loss. That being said, I wish you had been at the funeral, I needed another comedian.

It was a little weird as even though it was a somber event, I was somehow labeled "the hot girl from out of town". Yes, at a funeral. It would have been a much needed self esteem builder, but A) Most of the crowd was family, and B) my female cousin wore complete motorcycle gear to the service for her own father. Then, we attended a second service, which was really an AA meeting. In the same dress. I rocked that church basement.

Anonymous said...

Your mother must be a saint - haha

Annie said...

Very funny stuff. Not your uncle's death but your irreverence. How come it's not a stretch for me to see you riding on top of that casket?

I don't go to funerals. They just don't do it for me, but a few days back I did get a call from a funeral home. I guess I won a free burial plot. I asked the woman caller if it was private or semi-private and she seemed offended, like a woman hosting a drawing at a funeral home could get offended. So it sort of set my day moving in the wrong direction. Maybe because I'm not ready to be a land owner...or maybe my brain is like a door ajar, and any little breeze causes it to swing on its hinges and bang away through the night like a prostitute at a sales convention.

meleah rebeccah said...

Holy, hell, this is sofa king funny. I cannot stop laughing. I need someone like you, by my side, the next time I have to attend a funeral!

Monica said...

My mother met my father at a funeral -- at his first wife's funeral. That was like winning a raffle, I think.

Suniverse said...

We tend to be the completely inappropriate group at funerals, which makes them much easier to bear. For us.

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