The Power of Christ Compels You....to lie to people inappropriately

My son bought a new game for the XBox a few weeks ago called "Fibbage."

In a nutshell, you must come up with fake answers to questions and make the other players believe it's the truth.

Instead of "Fibbage" maybe it should be called "Marriage."

Seriously, honey. I was totally out with the guys last Friday.

The great part of the game is that you play on any internet-connected device. You sit in the same room as the XBox gives you categories. One player is randomly picked to choose the category. Then the XBox narrates the question, and you submit your answer using your own phone, tablet, laptop, etc., etc.

The first part is making up your own player name.

Here's how this goes in my house:

Keep in mind that most of these are names my children picked.

If there is a Hell, we are all certainly going to it.

I didn't take a screenshot of player names like "Anal Secretion" and "Nickelblech."

I regret some of my decisions.

Then you get the question, and the submitted answers from the players (one answer is always the truth). Here's what THAT looks like in my house:

So, that's what it looks like with the answers submitted and the missing word.

"Waxing his butthole" was mine. Yes, we are still playing with my children at this time. Yet another reason why they will need therapy at some point, I'm sure. The correct answer there was 'heroin.'

Here's another example:

The 'your mom' one never fails to kill me. I will laugh for 10 minutes straight.

On a side note, you'd be amazed at how many of these questions where 'your mom...OHHHH!' actually works as an answer.

Here's an example of the the correct answer, 'Cry' being shown - but with our other submissions listed:

My submission was 'saw a woman in half.'

No one picked it. I'm not sure why.

Also not sure why 'Your Mom..OHHHHH' wasn't submitted here, either.

It fits perfectly. Just like Your M-

Never mind.

..and this is why most people find my blog by searching "Family Circus Porn." True story.

Bite me, Billy.

AGAIN.

I recently asked people what their favorite posts of mine were and several of you noted that it was my skewed take on that ridiculously terrible comic strip, "The Family Circus."

If you've missed my other episodes of this, you can find them here.

This time, though, I'm sparing you the pain of what the original comic said because see 'ridiculously terrible comic strip' comment above...

..so you just get my newly edited ones.

Enjoy.

UPDATE: 

I had a request to do the "Before" and "After" cartoons - which is why, in the examples below, the first one always sucks balls.


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There.

That's better.

I suppose the next time you'll hear from me, it will be from jail due to Copyright infringement or some shit.

Fuck it. Totally worth it.

Take that, Billy!

Moog out.

Conversations at a Funeral

My uncle died recently and because I am related to my mother I am obligated to go to such affairs like wakes and funerals and Thanksgiving.

I don’t like funerals. Not because they’re depressing but because I have, like, one suit and one tie and I usually consider wearing a shirt with no logo on it as ‘dressing up.’

So as my cousins and I are standing around the funeral hall, the following conversations took place:

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Scene: I didn't realize that I was standing in front of one of the doors to get into the funeral home.

Cousin K: “Dude, you’re right in the way. People can’t get in.”

Cousin J: “That’s because he’s in ‘bouncer mode.’”

Me: “Right - we should do this like it's a night club and only let the hot chicks in."

*I look out the door and point randomly*

Me: “You’re okay..you’re okay..woops. Sorry. We’re full. You’re okay..you’re okay.."

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Scene: My aunt asks my cousin if he signed the Guest Book. Later, I go stand next to my mom.

Me: “Mom. Why are people signing the guest book?”

Mom: “So we can send out ‘thank you’ cards.”

Me: “I never get a ‘thank you’ card from coming to a funeral. I thought you signed it for some type of raffle or giveaway.”

Uncle: “…”

Mom: “Rod..”

Me: “I would just come to random funerals and act sad and then enter my name for a chance to win a Pepperidge Farms basket.”

Mom: “You’re insane.”

Me: “This is an amazing idea. If that’s what it was for, I’d be a lot more excited about coming to funerals. In fact, when you die, I’ll probably start this as a new tradition. The winner will get a Chili’s gift certificate or, like, $10 in Kohl’s Cash.”

Mom: “Nice.”

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Scene: Just before leaving, the funeral hall empties and only the pallbearers – who I’m one of – are left.

Me: “We have seven pallbearers.”

Counsin G: “I know. That’s weird to have an odd number.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll ride on top.”

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Scene: Standing with a few of my cousins looking at the flowers.

Me: “I don’t think I’ve ever sent flowers for a funeral.”

Cousin J: “Yeah. I’m not sure of the point of it.”

Me: “It would be more practical to send an Edible Arrangement. I’m going to do that. That’s how you’d know it was mine without looking at the card. There’d be a bunch of wreaths with roses and shit, and then a big basket of pineapples and bananas. Then at least we’d have snacks instead of these stupid mints they put out.”

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..and then I went home and put on a shirt with a logo on it.

There. Much better.