Mental Poo: pet

My dog is pretty regular.

He poops in the morning. He poops at night. He's a lot like me in that regards, but unlike me in that I can't reach my genitals to lick them.

:(

Every morning I take my dog out to do his morning doodie. This means that I'm wandering around with some poop bags as my little dog searches for 3 hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit. Usually this involves smelling other dog shit that people didn't pick up.

On a related note, I'm really glad I don't have to do this. I can't imagine thinking, "Man. I really have to drop a loaf. I hope someone forgot to flush so I have some motivation."

Regardless, I often find myself singing to the dog as he starts crapping.

I don't know why. It just..it just happens.

What do I sing?

Well, this is where I become the creepy guy in the neighborhood because I'm out there alone, in the silence of the New England mornings, rewriting song lyrics to make them about dog shit and belting them out at 7 am.

Here are some examples of what you may catch me singing on any given morning (with sample lyrics if applicable):

Billy Idol: "White Wedding"
It's a...nice day for a...brown poopy...
It's a...nice day to..CRAP AGAAAAIIIIINNN..

Cinderella: "Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone"
My dog took a crap
On a lawwwwwn....
Some were little nuggets
But one was looooooong...

Salt-N-Peppa: "Push It"
That one is self-explanatory

AC/DC: "For Those About to Rock"
For those about to poop...FIRE!
*makes fart noise*
WE SALUTE YOUUUUUU!

(generic cheerleading chant)
Squish it out
Squish it out
Waaaaaaaay out

Drowning Pool: "Bodies"
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the...(make 2 cymbal sounds)
(Yell) LAAAAAWWWWNNN

So there you go.

Feel free to use any of these while you're walking your own dog but, I can't be the ONLY one who does this, can I?

CAN I?!?!

Maybe I can be.