The Humiliation of Jax - Volume 1

Let me start this off by saying that I love my dog.

Let me follow that up by also saying that I will not be surprised if, one day, my dog up and kills me while I sleep.

You see, we love putting things on Jax's head.

I don't know how this started, or why, but it seems like whenever there is something we find that isn't bolted to the ground or so heavy that it will kill him, we put it on his head.

Without further ado, I give you some prime examples of why, exactly, my dog probably really hates me.

This one we call, Sir Jaxham Hat:

Here is what my dog would look like as a Swedish girl with pigtails:

KHALEESI!

This is actually a pretty good job he's doing of balancing while plotting my demise:

Took him SO LONG to guess this Headbanz clue. Man, we made so much of him after this:

Like a reverse Jonah:

PETA is probably going to give me shit after this, but people pay good money for stone massages, right?

This is what Jax would look like as an elephant, probably:

'Sup.

..and then we crossed Jax with a Yak and got a Jak:

I love this one:

Who says my puppy doesn't know how to party?

He had the biggest St. Patrick's Day hangover after this one:

SuperJax. Guardian of the Household:

Yes.

I have more.

Stay tuned.

That is, if he hasn't killed me before I post them.

Because Dog Shit is More Fun if it's got Rhythm

My dog is pretty regular.

He poops in the morning. He poops at night. He's a lot like me in that regards, but unlike me in that I can't reach my genitals to lick them.

:(

Every morning I take my dog out to do his morning doodie. This means that I'm wandering around with some poop bags as my little dog searches for 3 hours to find the perfect spot to take a shit. Usually this involves smelling other dog shit that people didn't pick up.

On a related note, I'm really glad I don't have to do this. I can't imagine thinking, "Man. I really have to drop a loaf. I hope someone forgot to flush so I have some motivation."

Regardless, I often find myself singing to the dog as he starts crapping.

I don't know why. It just..it just happens.

What do I sing?

Well, this is where I become the creepy guy in the neighborhood because I'm out there alone, in the silence of the New England mornings, rewriting song lyrics to make them about dog shit and belting them out at 7 am.

Here are some examples of what you may catch me singing on any given morning (with sample lyrics if applicable):

Billy Idol: "White Wedding"
It's a...nice day for a...brown poopy...
It's a...nice day to..CRAP AGAAAAIIIIINNN..

Cinderella: "Don't Know What You've Got Til It's Gone"
My dog took a crap
On a lawwwwwn....
Some were little nuggets
But one was looooooong...

Salt-N-Peppa: "Push It"
That one is self-explanatory

AC/DC: "For Those About to Rock"
For those about to poop...FIRE!
*makes fart noise*
WE SALUTE YOUUUUUU!

(generic cheerleading chant)
Squish it out
Squish it out
Waaaaaaaay out

Drowning Pool: "Bodies"
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the lawn
(whisper) Let the poopy hit the...(make 2 cymbal sounds)
(Yell) LAAAAAWWWWNNN

So there you go.

Feel free to use any of these while you're walking your own dog but, I can't be the ONLY one who does this, can I?

CAN I?!?!

Maybe I can be.

LolzJax - the humiliation continues

I have a dog named, "Jax."

Jax is absolutely annoying as shit but he's cute and barks at nothing at all hours of the night and cries, like, ALL THE TIME and tears every single toy he owns to shit and now that I've read that I'm considering offering him free to a good home.

I kid.

I'm flexible on the 'good' part.

Regardless, I've taken to a new hobby which is completely taking up all my time at work these days.

(Sssshhhh. Boss doesn't know.)

What I've done is take pictures of him and made my own version of the LOLCat posters.

Here is a batch of them.

Enjoy.

Seriously. It's like all I do now.

SO AWESOME.

If you want to see more, check out the album on my Facebook Page.

Moog and Jax out.

Why my dog hates being alone with me

Because things like this happen:

This started because my friend, Lisa, dared me to do it after posting another dog with a mustache so, you know, GAME ON.

Thus prompting me to post it on Facebook because it was awesome.

I wish I had enough room on my hand to give him a goatee.

He'd look like a little fuzzy professor.

The Abominable Cute Little Puppy

I posted my Christmas pictures of my dog, Jax, with Santa because apparently that's what being single does to you.

It rots your mind and makes you pay for pictures of your dog with holiday figureheads.

True story.

After posting the picture on my Facebook page, someone commented:

"Have you noticed he has an abominable snowman on his chest?"

Here. Have a look:

Hm.

Don't see it?

Here..let me clarify it for you:

AAAAAAH!

Damn.

My dog is scarier than I thought. Santa is lucky he escaped with his life.

Rowrr.