Dear Moog: I Like My Kids Hard | Mental Poo

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dear Moog: I Like My Kids Hard

Before I start today, I have a new movie review of Coraline over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Buttons and some scarily big tits.

That's really all you need to know.


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where getting advice and having sex with me are very similar:

It's not worth all your trouble...

... and will probably end up make you laughing.

Women can be mean.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from BBQ and Bourbon:

He writes:

Dear Moog,

Today's kids are just too soft and jiggly.

Aside from making them ride in recalled car seats, what do you recommend to toughen them up?

You aren't raising veal, right?

Jesus H. Christ.

I knew this day would come sooner or later.

It's the burden I bear being "sexy God of mint chocolate chip ice cream" to all you minions out there.

I have no idea what that means.

Here goes:


Dear BBQ,

Let's take a look here at your finer points: and jiggly...

....toughen them up....

...raising veal.


Got it.

Thank you for being my first ever letter from a pedophile and/or cannibal.

That I know of.

Is 'cannophile' a word? Pedobal?

Doesn't look that way.

Wikipedia sucks.


I'm not sure how you're preparing the children that you eat, but you may want to try cooking them a little longer.

Undercooking a child may result in that "soft and jiggly" consistency that is so frowned upon at the dinner table and on the buffet table at those fancy Kentucky weddings held at the local VFW.


I'm not raising veal.


What have you heard? Are you the FBI?

If you are, I just have to say AGAIN that those are NOT cages in my yard.

They're 'Maid's Quarters' and I have the paperwork for those stupid fucking Mexicans around here somewhere.

You know, if they'd stop they're crying and shit, no one would bother me about this crap.

My neighbors just won't mind their fucking business, sometimes.

Perhaps I've said too much.

But this isn't about me and my army of illegal Mexican sex slave maids.

This is about you and your inability to properly cook children.

I'm thinking you can't go wrong if you wait til the little popper thingy pops out (cooking boys only) and if you can remove the fork cleanly.

Adding BBQ sauce and drinking bourbon may also help.

But you already knew that.

Oh...wait... mean they're "soft and jiggly" in a character sort of way.


* whistling


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


Christina_the_wench said...

Chris Hanson is looking for you again.

You've raised the perversion bar once more. Bravo. *clapping with my one free hand*

Going Like Sixty said...

Nicely done, not well done, more like medium rare. Brown on the outside, red on the inside.

Oh wait, that's your ass.

rachaelgking said...

Is 'cannophile' a word? Pedobal?

All I can think of is Tobias Funke, the world's first analrapist.

Rahul said...

Mrs. Featherbottom would have been impressed.

Is that child recipe on

Kevenj said...

Nice, but do they clean windows?

Anonymous said...

I saw a notice for a "School BBQ Fundraiser" the other day. I shall steer clear.

Coffeypot said...

If you want to toughen them up stop using meat tenderizer. I suggest adding garlic, too.

That reminds me of the new douche I saw on the shelf. It is made of alum and honey and chicken fat. The slogan says, “It’s tighter on the peter, sweeter on the eater and finger-licking good.” I don’t know what this has to do with cooking kids, it’s just a though that came to me. Coffeypot out!

Blonde Goddess said...

Some people prefer to poach their children.
This leaves the outside firm but the inside soft and runny.
Some people use toast to sop that stuff up.

Kellie said...

That Dahmer picture is the best thing I've seen all day. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

mmmm ehhhh I am not sure I understand it... but I don't give a fuck and neither you do.

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMMM - Kids

Malicious Intent said...

A good homemade marinade with a red wine vinegar, brown mustard and a few herbs will help. Just marinade over night in fridge (you may need to bolt lock it so they don't try to get out.) I find grilling afterwords yields the best results. You should not have jiggly and soft, but crispy and tender.

Of course, don't let kids eat fast food, watch to much tv, play to many video games or allow them to stay inside helps too.
Treadmills never hurt either for those who try to whine about the weather.

Moooooog35 said...

rs27: I found it on

I swear if there's a real site with that name, we're all doomed.

KJ: Yes. Blue. What?

Tiggy: Excellent plan. Also stay away from 'Girl Scout Cookies.'

Coffepot: Dude. Where the fuck do you shop?

BG: Mmmm. Toasty.

Kellie: Any time I can bring a smile to someone's face using Jeffrey Dahmer's likeness, I'm happy.

That happens rarely, FYI.

Funky: Nor do I understand 'FunkyEmoticons', but whatever tickles your pickle.

Malach: Dad?

MI: Too much work. This is why I go out to eat.

fiona said...

That's one cage of sexy maids ya got there Moog! I'm impressed.

Thinkinfyou said...

There are some really sick people out there. Thankfully,they have you to turn to!

Coffeypot said...

I shop at Mistress Desdemona’s House of Pain and Groceries.

Going Like Sixty said...

Mrs. 60 passed a big clot (or maybe a small child) she'll bring it and let you decide if it's yours.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm late, I was 1. shoving a pig in a barrel and 2. shoving a bottle in a pig.

For the record, I'm a kidcanibal, a boylermaker, a grrlanimal.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"Cannophile" does have a bit of a ring to it. You've just coined a new term. Congratulations.

Pearl said...

This is the perfect opportunity to use that crock pot.

You pop them in before you leave for work, a can of cream of mushroom soup, a couple onions and some parsley and dinner will be waiting for you after work.


AngryMan said...

You better send in that retainer.

Narm said...

Bullshit on being the first pedophile! I had a letter once and I love the kids.

Anonymous said...

cannophile is my new favorite word.

Moooooog35 said...

Fiona: get what you pay for.

Thinkin: Nice to know I'm wanted.


Coffee: I know. I'm the mistress.

(insert suspense music here)

Going60: Um.


BBQ: Thanks for clarifying! Go away now!

Nanny: I coin more terms than Obama coins free money for people who don't need it.

Pearl: mmm...nothing says 'yummy' like slow roasted juvenile.

Thanks for the tip.

Angry: There's nothing wrong with my teeth.

Meleah: She's back and now more depressed than ever! Hooray!

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