The Great Celery Incident of 1988 | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Great Celery Incident of 1988

WARNING:

Gross blog post ahead.

(grosser than, you know, usual)

You've been warned.


*************************

Well...looks like it's another of Lilu's TMI days here on "Mental Poo."

Saying there's "Too Much Information" here on Mental Poo is like saying there's too much cat in my Sweet and Sour Chicken at the Chinese restaurant.

Redundant redundancy.

A while back, I wrote a post about taking my daughter on her first ever loop coaster ride.

In that post, was this picture:


If you're wondering what a picture of Diana Ross getting nailed from behind has to do with an article about my daughter going on a roller coaster, then you don't know me very well.

This is how my mind works.

Scientists from around the world have yet to figure out why.

I've digressed.



Regardless, the above picture was actually an inside joke and 'tip of the hat' to my buddy, Jim - a guy I used to work with YEARS ago.

Knowing that he'd know what this was, I sent him this email prior to posting that article:

*****************

Hey Jim…today’s post has a tip of the hat to you in it.

See if you can pick it up.


*****************

Shortly afterward, I get his email reply:

*****************
OMFG!

Dude….

You’re killing me. How did you even remember this?

Only you could tie the “great celery incident of 1988” into your blog.

*****************

The Great Celery Incident of 1988.

Here...in Jim's very own words...

Is his recap of the story.

It's long...you might want to take breaks.

Especially when you start to feel nauseous.

And you will.

Enjoy.

*****************

I don’t remember it that well myself…..

Here is what a do remember:

My girlfriend Donna lived at home with her parents. Occasionally I would stay over at her parent’s house (if there was room- she had 5 other siblings also living at home).

This was back in the 80’s and her parents did not allow us to sleep in the same room.

On this particular night one of her brothers was away from home so I was able to sleep in the bedroom right next to hers.

Since I didn’t have to drive home, that meant I could drink massive quantities of alcohol. So we walked downtown, hit a few bars and got hammered.

On the way home we decided to play “hide the salami” at her house.


We both said “good night” really loud (in case her parents were listening), then Donna snuck into my room.

We tried to be discreet, we were very quiet and we kept the lights off.

Here comes the TMI part:

For some strange reason, I prefer the “doggie-style” position when I am plastered.

So Donna got on all fours and I plowed ahead into the darkness (remember, it was very dark and I was very hammered).

However, instead of the expected “loosey goosey”...

...I got the unexpected “righty tighty”.

Then Donna gasped:

“That’s the wrong one!”

I had never done buttsex before.

Yay me.

Since it actually felt pretty good, I said “Why don’t we try it?”

All I heard was a drunken “Oh, OK”.

* blink

Green light, GO!

That is all I needed to hear and the reaming commenced.


She started making some pretty funny noises at this point, so I (quickly) finished up and she waddled back to her room to sleep.

I had to pee so I quietly went into the bathroom.

After “little elvis” took the stage I looked down.

Something didn’t seem right.

There was something...

...ATTACHED to him.

I turned on the second (much brighter) light.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

There was something green stuck to my dick.

I pried it off with a piece of toilet paper and looked closely at it.

(Editor's note: Um...Jim...you looked CLOSELY at it? Dude..wtf.)

It was a piece of…

Celery.



Yep.

Celery.

A piece of celery was stuck to my dick.

Awesome.

It was in pretty good shape too...kinda like the “magic bullet” from the Kennedy assassination.

Not quite pristine, but still re-edible.

(Editor's note: Never let Jim write for you ever again. Ever.)

I flushed the evidence down the toilet and went to bed.

The next morning Donna said something about “me taking advantage of her last night” and she never wanted “to do that again."

Blah blah blah. Whatever.


Note:

I had seen anal sex in porno movies before this event, but I had never seen any shit (or food) hanging around.

Apparently, they must do some prep work before filming.

*****************

* cricket

You still there?

Shit. I'm surprised I still am.

But..

Maybe now you know how I've never been able to forget this story.

And now you won't, either.

You're welcome.

Little Elvis has left the building.

..and he took his celery with him.

Moog out.

63 comments:

adrienzgirl said...

Holy Veggies Batman! That's just not right. She musta been some sort of freak. I have never heard of this, EVER!

Gives new meaning to the words "vegetable dip"! Bwahahahaha!

Roger the Shrubber said...

Since I know Jim really well, I asked him "why he looks closely at things that are stuck to his dick".

He said that:

A)He was intoxicated
B)He is not used to seeing "near pristine" things attached to his dick, this made him very curious.
c)He was intoxicated

JenJen said...

TEARS! that was fucking awesome. Love it.
Not the buttsex part.
but the part where..you know, the rest.

Fucking hilarious.

Travis said...

I have no words.

Words fail me.

Why the hell do I want pimento cheese?

Mike said...

That chick needs to chew her food.

Ed Adams said...

Never tried the buttsex.

Too gay.

But, I would totally eat that celery.

Vodka Logic said...

Hilarious but I will deny every saying that lol

blueskies2day said...

"RE-EDIBLE"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

That is the first time a TMIT has made me feel this sick.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

OMG! That was freakin funny. Though, I don't understand how celery would look so prestine or re-edible, unless.... well, you can go there if you'd like.

LOL @ ED, are you serious dude, too gay???? I don't believe you!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Jim is my new hero.

JD at I Do Things said...

HA!

I prefer doggy style even when I'm not drunk, but from now on I'll be careful to chew all my salad ingredients.

Me-Me King said...

What? No movie? Damn!

Roger the Shrubber said...

Jim says that Mike got it right.
Donna did not chew her food well.
This allowed the celery to make the entire trip nearly unblemished.

Jim finds this amusing because Donna had a hard time giving a blow job without dragging her teeth.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I expected a lot from this entry. What could possibly have exited Donna's butt onto your little worm? Poop? A piece of colon? Donny Osmond? I think "celery" wasn't even on my list.

CatLadyLarew said...

This post totally exceeded my expectations! Tears streaming down my face! OMFG!

carissajaded said...

Oh my GODDD OH my GOD holy ashit mother of my soul i have noooo words!!! This has supassed anything I ever thought I would read. Oh my gosh, I have nothing else to say. I cannot stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moooooog35 said...

I'm going to let 'Roger the Shrubber' handle all these comments as he's, um, *cough*, really tight with Jim.

Just like Donna's sphincter.

Yeah.

I said it.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Tears...you brought me to tears of laughter with this story...TEARS!!!

Just A Girl said...

I'm not even grossed out. I'm just laughing so hard on the inside that tears are coming out on the outside.

Jen said...

I could totally see corn or raisins or even bits of apple, maybe even a dwarf or two but the re-edible celery was a surprise.

This has certainly set the bar higher, or lowered it completely, for what is appropriate to talk about on a blog. I might have to tell the story about how my ex like to have nose sex.

Tater Tot Mom said...

I have no words except that story is fucking awesome! Hilarious! I did not see that coming... :)

bikramyogachick said...

Congratulations! I think that is the most disturbing TMI yet. Nice work!

Kris said...

I have heard that before the big anal scene, the actors/actresses, whichever is on the recieving end of things do a prepenema the day before. *ahem*

I think I just made up a new word.

Prepenema.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

This is definitely a first for me. lol Celery?? lol

Jill said...

now, had you said carrots, I'd have thought you were with my friend, Razorblade Brain (http://razorbladebrain.blogspot.com/2009/09/why-roger-rabbit-and-bugs-bunny-are.html).

Brutalism said...

'Donna's sphincter' should be the name of a band. (Or is it already?)

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Look, I just want to say that there are professionals out there who can help you and your friends with your mental issues. It's expensive, sure, but I think you'll feel much better in time, especially as the darkness begins to lift and you start to realize that the world can be a sweet place that's more about chirping birds and sunrises than it is about having a piece of undigested celery stuck to your cock with shit. I did not expect anything like this today, and so I'm going back to bed until I can start fresh tomorrow.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Yes, Jim and I are "tight".

Jim would like to thank Moooog for letting him share this historic event with all of you. He has been holding this inside for more than twenty years. His therapist wants him to release.

Me-me: Jim wishes he had made a movie. He would be a rich man today.

Assasin: It was not a little worm. Jim is hung like a horse. See next comment.

JenJen, Cat Lady, Just a Girl and Lee: You are in tears? Talk to Donna. Those funny noises she made must have been accompanied by tears. See previous comment.

Jen: Please share, the bar can't get any lower.

Kris: Jim recommends the Prepenema. It is worth the hassle.

Waltsense.com said...

Buttbumping can lead to gross stuff but its usually on the brown side...not green. Classic story and love it! Do you eat celery with your wings now??

surveygirl46 said...

So in other words she got "her salad tossed"?..

Dr Zibbs said...

That is gross.

Roger the Shrubber said...

MikeWJ: If Moooog gives you a "Gross Blog Warning" and you ignore it, you deserve to have your day ruined. Also, there was no shit detected upon close inspection of the celery.

Joshua said...

Absolutely hysterical. 100%, Grade A, Top Shelf. And I'll never eat celery again.

-Joshua

Roger the Shrubber said...

Waltsense: I can't speak for Donna, but I still love to eat celery. I just make sure I chew it up real good. You never know when....oh never mind.

Surveygirl: No, I would say that she got her salad pureed. That one lousy piece of celery slipped throught the crack. Damn, this is really starting to bug me.

Swirl Girl said...

I am fucking speechless - well not really.

Note to self: stay away from fibrous undigestibles (like celery and corn and spinich and beets) when attempting the salad toss.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Well I'm guessing it's a good thing she didn't have chili or a sloppy joe... How would you really know it was was re-edible?

Toe said...

Hmmm...I heard of corn but never celery.

Clevelandpoet said...

epic.

I knew a girl who used celery to masturbate more than once I don't know if she used the rear entrance when she did though!

Becky..AMHW said...

What? No hot wings and bleu cheese?

You got gypped.

kys said...

LMFAO!!!

What is wrong with me that I guessed (correctly) where this story was going?

Don't answer that.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Bird Shit: I classified that piece of celery re-edible after close visual inspection. It looked like nice and fresh. It looked so good, it could have just come out of the produce aisle. If someone served that celery to you in a salad, you would have eaten it.

Becky: I didn't feel gypped at the time. I still got a piece of ass.

Looking back now, yes, you are right. Now I feel cheated.

That Evil Temptress! What a filthy whore.....slut!

I should have gone back for sloppy seconds after flushing the evidence.

I feel better now.

Kellie said...

He should have tried it again a day after she ate some corn. I think corn would be much more acceptable to find stuck to your penis. Right? Right??? *crickets* Well, whatever.

Coffeypot said...

Now that's some funny shit...uh celery.

Don said...

Celery huh? At least she eats well. Otherwise you may have been covered in chili!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

OK, now I'm warned. And, OK, there wasn't any shit. So what was it that stuck the celery to aforementioned foreskin? I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

And, OK, I honestly can't believe we're having this discussion. I'm waiting for Larry Flynt to chime in from Hell or wherever he his right now with some words of wisdom, if that's possible at this point.

This is one of the most repugnant yet bizarrely fascinating stories I've ever heard. I'm trying to approach it with what I'd describe as "medical curiosity." I figure that might keep me from throwing up or writing off the future of human civilization. :)

Malach the Merciless said...

You homo!

Knucklehead said...

Oh jeez. This one definitely pegs the needle at 10 on the Moog-o-Spaz-mometer.

Congratulations?

Mars said...

Ok #1, NOT SURPRISED.

#2. Some things, not so good for public consumption. I am trying to be nice here, however; that was Best Friends with the Dirty Sanchez and let's face it. NO ONE wants that.

Sorcerer said...

ROFLMAO!!!

awesome writeup!

санжог said...

My friend who is a Russian, had a similar incident, instead of a celery he had tomato peel on his weener.

He got scared that he caught something horrible from that woman. He did indeed!!

But man I got to give it to you man you are hilarious.

Moooooog35 said...

Roger the Shrubber is fucking killing me today.

Killing me.

My one comment outside of Roger's responses:

Mars: FYI...I think you have Dirty Sanchez confused. There was no poo in this tale...only veggies. Veggie. One veggie.

Oh, look. I just threw up.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Kellie: Yes, corn would have been more acceptable. It would have been less likely to "stick" to little elvis. Also, it would have been easier to identify in a dimly lit bathroom.

MikeWJ: That is a really gross question that requires a really gross answer. Jim is not an expert at identifying body secretions, but the adhesive appeared to be..... semen.

I can't believe you are asking me such gross questions either. Do you rubber neck at car accidents?

Malach: Dad? I didn't know you got your computer fixed.

nonamedufus said...

OK, that's it. I'm never eating celery and Cheez-Whiz again.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Are you sure it was celery? Maybe you should have licked it, to be sure.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Steam: Yes, I am sure it was celery. I wish that I hadn't flushed it away. It would would have been extremely informative to everyone if I could have posted a picture of that celery on this blog. You would all be amazed at its near pristine condition.

Stacie's Madness said...

omg, this is hilarious...

Bonehead said...

Very funny...but....ecchhh!

I suppose if you had wound up with salad stuck to Little E after engaging your girlfriend through a more standard method you could have referred to her as a
"vag-etarian"?

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Shit, yes, I rubberneck at accidents. And thanks for putting this story in the same category as a car wreck. Now I know you haven't hit bottom. Well, actually, you did hit bottom, but not the bottom I'm talking about. :)

ettarose said...

Don't feel like you are the only one. A woman I know will always be referred to as "butter bean" Yep same reason. I gotta tell you moooooog, when you pop the seal on a dookey chute with no prior preparation you gotta suffer the consequences.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMFG! And that is YET ANOTHER reason I could NEVER have butt sex!

Moooooog35 said...

Um...

Had to follow up here...

Meleah: You could NEVER have butt sex because you don't want to find celery on your penis?!

You freak me out, woman.

You freak. Me. Out.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Meleah: Moooog is right. Don't let the "leftovers" bother you. Just be sure to chew your food well and let the "reamer" take care of the clean up. All you have to do is relax and enjoy the "sensational" experience.

A Vapid Blonde said...

What is wrong with you people? Celery?
Corn?
Dwarves?
Donny fucking Osmond?

What else have you all forced out of someones ass and inspected too closely?

Next I am thinking a clown is going to pop out. Or five, just like a clown car.

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