She's Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady....Bug. | Mental Poo

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

She's Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady....Bug.


Meetings bug me.

In this case, though...

I mean it LITERALLY.

Today I was in a meeting filled with 20 people.

I fucking HATE meetings.

Regardless, I sat in the corner of the room near the window, next to my friend Kristin.

As I was sitting down, I noticed her.

No, not Kristin.

I notice Kristin every morning and, since we sit in the same cube, tend to look her up and down longingly while biting my lower lip mouthing stuff like 'oh, yeah' and fake twiddle her hair while her back is turned to me.

I have issues.


No...it wasn't Kristin I noticed near the window.

There, on the window sill...

..a ladybug.

Awww.

However, this was a business meeting after all.

Important people.

Hot topics of discussion.

No time to play with a ladybug.

So what did I do?

Well...

I did what anyone would do:

I immediately picked up the ladybug and named it "Lucy" for some fucking reason and then proceeded to pat it and pretend to tickle it as it walked all over my hands while Kristin laughed with her hand over her mouth and I whispered shit like, 'she's a goood girl...yes she iiiis...' and there was Dan with the missing tooth sitting on the other side of me all like, 'THE FUCK?!' and by the time the meeting was over I learned absolutely nothing and may or may not have answered a question about a network protocol by randomly yelling out 'I LIKE BLUE!'

That's me in meetings.


And I wonder why I have no clue what I'm supposed to be doing here.

For those of you wondering, I released Lucy back into the wild after the meeting where she was probably immediately eaten by a spider or died in the 30-degree weather.

It's just like they say:

"If you love something, set it free.

But sometimes it gets eaten by spiders or dies in the cold and maybe it would still be alive if we could just stop having these stupid fucking meetings."


Huh.

Maybe I should have just left her alone.


*********************

UPDATE!

I needed a way...somehow...to express my angst about this whole ordeal.

And now...

THE VIDEO TRIBUTE TO LUCY

(yeah..that's me singing):



I'm sad.

In many more ways than one, obviously.

Moog out.

63 comments:

Me-Me King said...

LOL!!! Oh, the many faces of moooooog. I love your video! I'm impressed you were able to find so many lady bug photos, especially the beached lady bug whale. Great job!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

If it helps, I think ladybugs hibernate in the winter. I read it in a book, so it must be true, right?

Just A Girl said...

Oh Moog, I'm CRYING.

You know, from laughing at your voice. I mean...your blog. Yep.

Ed Adams said...

You should have stuck her down your pants to live with all the other bugs.

They she could have been safe and warm and made friends.

That's what I do.

Ed Adams said...

Then...not they.

Fucking Y

Hey, that sounds like a question.

LiLu said...

The music at the end... fade to black...

My heart is weeping, it's so touching.

In the pants.

What?

Travis said...

If I had your talent, I'd take over the world.

I'm going to miss the shit outta Lucy.

I love you, Moog.

Damn. I did it again.

Coffeypot said...

Just watched your video and I must say, don't give up your day job for a music career. You should have take Lucy back to your desk and kept her prisnor. Ladybugs bring good luck.

Narm said...

But if there were no meetings - how we would be able to plan the next meeting? We'd be screwed!

Big Mama Cass said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg i am dying! Laughing so hard. You totally have a singing career if that "too many meetings" doesn't work out!!! :)

adrienzgirl said...

OMG, Moog you are my next lovah for sure! That was fucking awesomeness for real!

Who knew you were so multi-talented?

Stacie's Madness said...

all I can say is...


wow.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You are a true humanitarium Mr. Moooooog. Well...a ladybugatarium maybe. One day you'll be in some deep trouble, like maybe ninjas will corner you in the woods and demand to see your naked ass and a flock (flock??? Really???) of ladybugs will show up to defend you, all because you released Lucy to the wild.

It brings tears to my eyes, really.

Toe said...

Oh my moog. Just oh my.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I don't give a fuck about ladybugs or meetings. Could you please tell us more about Kristen? With photos, please? Thank you.

Moooooog35 said...

Me-Me: THAT'S A WOMAN?!?!?

Mjenks: I'm hoping she flew to Florida..since ladybugs migrate and shit. Right? RIGHT?!

Just a Girl: So, you're saying I should pull back this application to sing for David Hasselhoff?

Ed: I thought crabs ate bugs.

Oh. Look. I made myself vomit.

Lilu: It's like 'Candle in the Wind' but nothing like that at all.

Travis: I will take that as a complement even though I am, in all honesty, a bit frightened of you.

Coffee: If I quit my day job I'd have no time to make these videos. It's where the magic happens.

Narm: I think you just made a black hole.

That's what she said.

What?

Big Mama: I sing good? Great..and I already tore up the application to sing for Hasselhoff. THANKS A LOT, "JUST A GIRL!"

Adrienz: I am multi-talented in a multitude of ways that may or may not be equivalent to a number less than one.

HA! MATH!

Stacie: I'm going to take that as a good 'wow' and not a 'wow..that was all ass.'

Veggie: What the Hell is an army of ladybugs going to do to protect me? Cute people to death?

Toe: You sound like my doctor checking my prostate.

MikeWJ: There...I put some links to some 'Kristin' stories in the post.

Enjoy reading that...and THEN tell me you still want pics.

You've been warned.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

ummmm....hmmmmmm....ahhhhhh....keep your day job...well, maybe not even keep that...my dog started howling during your song, guess she feels bad for lucy or sorry for you...not sure which.

Becky..AMHW said...

Well...I got off.

Thanks.

Malicious Intent said...

I am sending you my fucking therapist bill. I finally figured out why I been going for the past year. YOU, DAMNIT! YOU!

Helen McGinn said...

Well, I originally came her from Headaches, Hotflashes and Hormones page because I liked the cut of your jib! Now that I see you are a crazed freak, I'm really glad that I did. You ladybug lovin' laddie of a lassie called Lucy you.

Tater Tot Mom said...

I heard no part of the song after I saw that huge beached ladybug whale creature thing! What the hell was that!

Swirl Girl said...

Dude- I want your job. That's all I have to say!

Kudos to the ladybug lover!

Moooooog35 said...

Lee: Your dog has phenomenal taste.

Maybe I read that wrong.

Becky: Color me surprised.

MI: Riiiiiight. Like you needed another reason for more therapy.

Sure ya did.

Helen: Welcome and may I say, holy crap...you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Tater Tot: I know...I went blind on or around that same slide.

SwirlGirl: You can have it, but it will cost you a million dollar book deal.

Have your people call my people.

Thanks in advance.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

I am not a person who thinks lady bugs are cute. bugs are bugs are bugs. thank you.

JenJen said...

thought for sure you were going to say you crushed it between your fingers to hear it snap.

nonamedufus said...

Lady bugs go somewhere in our kitchen to sleep in the fall. In the spring they start to come out and I find them crawling everywhere. Squish, squish, squish in a kleenex or paper towel...like shooting fish in a barrel.

Don said...

I went to school with a girl named Lucy, and I hate ladybugs. It's a no win situation for me if I were to say "sorry", but love is never having to say you're sorry. I hated that fucking movie too!

CatLadyLarew said...

Such a bittersweet ballad... how will you ever move on with your life, Moooooog?

M.J. said...

I wish there were someone like you in my meetings. You and Lucy. That would really spice things up.

bikramyogachick said...

Why can't I have a pervy cubicle mate who pretends to twirl my hair when I'm not looking? Some girls have ALL the luck!

Yankee Girl said...

So I just read this quote that said something along the lines of people having meetings as a way to make themselves feel better when they can't be masturbating.

My suggestion? Hide out in the private bathroom before the meeting and tug one out. Maybe it'll make you zen enough to last through the meeting with losing your fucking mind. That's what I do. Plus, getting paid to masturbate is one of the greatest things in the world.

Moooooog35 said...

Martinis: Except for ladybugs, right? Well..maybe just Lucy, right? RIGHT?!

* cricket

woops..wrong bug.

JenJen: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that and continue crocheting this ladybug potholder.

Oh, look. I'm gay.

Nonamedufus: I'm the same way..except, you know...she was in a MEETING. It's, like, bug destiny or some shit.

Don: Wow, dude. Run out of Xanax today?

CatLady: Well..Kate Winslet did it after Titanic..but, then again, she had that giant fucking diamond so I guess I'm not sure.

MJ: You don't want me in your meetings. It's like 'showtime' and I'm the ass on stage.

Actually, maybe I'll rent myself out.

Bikram: Some girls have all the luck...and some girls just have a sexual predator in their cube.

poTAto..poTAHto.

YankeeGirl: Going to a meeting makes you feel better when you can't masturbate?

That's exactly why I masturbate in meetings.

Two birds, one stone.

Also, one giant Human Resources fiasco, but whatever.

Ann's Rants said...

AND HE turned out to be an asian beetle.

(sorry)

Moving tribute, nonetheless.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

OK, I've done the additional recommended reading, and I'm going to have to retract my request for photos of Kristin, who's gone from being rather sexy in my imagination to being rather, well, let's just say less than appealing in what is now my soiled imagination. Although I'm pretty sure there are men out there--many of them German or Japanese--who would find her very appealing indeed. And thanks, Moooog, for saving me from making a tragic mistake. And now I'm going to check out Yankee Girl's blog because she seems to know an awful lot about masturbation, including getting paid to masturbate, which, I admit, is intriguing despite the fact that it makes me feel dirty to even think about it.

justjp said...

Dude, like when on a date, you have the bail out call set up for you. Have a secretary or co-worker come in and say there is an urgent call for you... then you have the choice to bail or not.

The Peach Tart said...

Damn meetings. Don't those people know that lady bugs are much more important.

kys said...

Surely everyone at your office isn't as crazy as you. ???

kys said...

Surely everyone at your office isn't as crazy as you. ???

Mike said...

That song brought a tear to my eye.

No wait, that was the dog farting.

Never mind.

Malach the Merciless said...

Your like a modern day Gordon Lightfoot

L said...

I really love your version of what happens when you set something you love free...the whole getting eaten by the spiders and shit. It's much more realistic. Great song, BTW...well, sort of. (Still laughing over here.)

Josh Almighty said...

If you love something - set it free
If it's a beetle - let it be.

Moooooog35 said...

Ann's Rants: I think I'd know a female ladybug when I see one.

Maybe not.

Shit.

MikeWJ: TOLD YOU. Also, let me know how that pay-for-spray thing works..I'd be a friggin' Billionaire by now.

justjp: That's brilliant!! Where do I get a secretary?

Peach: I KNOW. The fuck?

Kys: I think that's a pretty safe assumption, yes.

Mike: The dog farts bring tears to your eyes? Might want to not have your face so close up in there. I know it will be tough, but you can do it.

Malach: YES! Who?

L: OMG I should have done it to that Sting song. Sonofabitch.

Did someone say sequel?

Josh: True poetry. It's really bad, but I guess it still counts as poetry.

Joshua said...

Reminds me of the shit I used to do in meetings...until I started leading the meetings. Promotions without pay suck.

-Joshua

miss. chief said...

I have those ladybug boots, but I'm too ashamed to wear them.

Roger the Shrubber said...

Is that Ernie Wong sitting next to you in the meeting?

Dude, this video will go viral and you will have record contract in 2 weeks.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

Totally going to put a dance routine with that song. Something sexy like an interpretive dance.

leigh said...

amazing.

GingerMandy said...

if i were that lady bug i may have just sacrificed myself to the spider or some other wild animal after what i had just gone through. i would also like to make an interpretive dance to that song... i don't know why. i just have the urge.

Jen said...

Love the video! I'm also intrigued by the whole masturbation for pay idea. I could seriously really get into a job like that. I'm not really sure what that has to do with lady bugs but nothing ever makes a whole lot of sense here since I usually read you in the morning before I have started to drink. The last lady bug I saw bit me so I crushed her myself, Bitch!

Moooooog35 said...

Josh: You used to sing romantic ballads to ladybugs?

Dude. You're fucked.

Miss.Chief: Role playing with you must be awesome.

Roger: If by 'viral' you mean '71' hits, then yes...it's gone viral.

Bird Shit: Don't forget to post it to Youporn...I mean, um, Youtube!

Leigh: Thank you. You DO mean me, right?

Ginger: I think Bird Shit is beating you to the dance thing.

I SENSE A CATFIGHT!!

Jen: Ha. You said 'get into' a job about masturbation.

Nicely done.

Also..LADYBUGS BITE?!? How small ARE you?!

mnmtatgirl said...

Right now there are thousands of dead fucking ladybugs all over my damn house. And come February, there will be thousands of live ladyfucking bugs around my house trying to escape. I will lose an hour or so of my life for two damn weeks vacuuming up their carcasses. DO you know they spit blood or something when they die and stick to whatever surface they perish on? It's gross and it stains. And you are trying to save them- and fucking name one???.... I have white powder crap all over every entrance to my house trying to kill them all... KILL THEM ALL.
And they do bite... they are total useless fuckers.

meleah rebeccah said...

I am CRYING laughing. This is so HILARIOUS...that I just have to post this every where I can on the internet!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your choices of images in that montage are just perfection. Especially Sad Ronald and the mushroom cloud. Tipping my hat to you.

surveygirl46 said...

very impressive Mooog...

Malach the Merciless said...

You had your ladybug? I HAD AN ENTIRE WOMEN'S CENTER AT MY BECKONING CALL TODAY!

Phillipia said...

OMG, are you related to Neil Diamond?

Moooooog35 said...

mnmtatgirl: Dude..relax. Ladybugs.

Just. Ladybugs.

Meleah: Good luck! We're all pulling for you.

Literally.

Steam Me Up: I found the Ronald McDonald one strangely appropriate. I have no idea why.

surveygirl: No woman has ever said that to me before.

Malach: I don't know what that means but WOOHOO!

Philippia: More like related to Jimmy Topaz.

territerri said...

I hate to break it to you, but on Tuesday night, the cleaning crew was busy doing their nightly cleaning in the conference room. One of the crew members was a Coccinellidaephobic and she blasted Lucy with her Lysol. Poor Lucy's lungs couldn't take the poisonous fumes. She fought the good fight, but it was all in vain. She soon was flushed... I mean flew off to ladybug heaven.

I'm sorry. Someone had to be honest with you.

Mars said...

That was gayer then your celery post.

Moooooog35 said...

territerri: Shit.

This is like the day Kennedy was assassinated, or when Lennon was shot or when Britney Spears showed up bald.

I'll never forget it.

Mars: How can an anal sex post that includes a healthy vegetable be gay? Unless you were thinking about guys when you were reading it...which is probably your point.

On a related note: Can't argue with you on this post, though.

Lauren said...

So, I was going to follow you anyway, because your blog is hilarious. And then at the bottom of a post I saw a link to this one. Anyone who does a ladybug post is a-ok in my book.

BugginWord said...

Suddenly my whole attitude towards lady bugs has changed. I...well...well, damn.

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