Tis the Season - You are a Dick | Mental Poo

Monday, December 21, 2009

Tis the Season - You are a Dick

"Woe to you, oh earth and sea
For the Devil sends the beast with wrath
Because he knows the time is short
Let him who hath understanding
Reckon the number of the beast
For it is a human number
Its number is six hundred and sixty six"

- Iron Maiden

Woe to you, oh you stupid, stupid fuckshit
For the Midget Man of Steel sends the beast with wrath
Because he is short (hereditary)
Let him who hath Internet Access and maybe a Facebook account
Reckon the number of the breast (boobies = funny)
For it is a human member (see what I did there?)
Its number is Moooooog35

- Midget Man of Steel


Forgive him, father...he knows not what he does.

Also, father...get off of me.

Seriously, I'm not 8 any more.

I've digressed.

I got hate mail the other day.

Yes, me.

Offender of NO ONE.

On a related note:

Sometimes I make myself laugh.

I got something from this blog/social network/advertising site that I had a new ad from a site (someone who wanted to be shown on my site) that was pending approval.

When I went to check it out, I saw..


Fine. Writing. About. Dogs.



I immediately rejected it without even looking at it any further.

I have shit to do.


This porn isn't gonna watch itself.

Regardless, two seconds later (literally)...

..I get this email:


From: Rich Sands

To: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

Subject: You are a dick

Hey fuckface - Before you reject ads as "not relevant" look at the fucking site.

My site is all original writing, most of it humorous, about dogs.

Why don't you read a little and learn something about being funny. That you're a short, premature ejaculating, junk shaving, serial shitting, little loser, does not make you funny.

It makes you sad, so I was flipping a few EC's to your shitty site to encourage your pathetic ass so maybe you wouldn't take your own life.

Thanks for saving me the trouble, you fucking dick sucker! Kill your family, then kill yourself.




Wow, dude.

Prozac much?

I mean...

..it's not the first time I've heard something like that.

But usually it's after I ask something like:

"Are you sure that it's mine?"

Hormones make women CRAZY.


I sent him this response:


From: midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com

To: Rich Sands

Subject: Re: You are a dick

"You sound nice."


Then I waited for another response.

I waited and waited and waited and it never came.

(I have the exact opposite problem)

So I decided to check it out his website, then came up with another response which is STILL sitting in the "drafts" folder of my email.

Here it is:



FYI - just checked your site.

HILARIOUSLY funny. You're right. I've never known true comedy until I've seen your writing.

How can 14 followers and one commenter be wrong?

I KNOW. That's what I was thinking, too.


But I never sent it.

Because, is this guy for real?

Is he seriously pissed, kidding around, or just looking for traffic?

I almost didn't write THIS post, because why give the guy exposure, right?

I sent this to Lilu for her opinion, who then just asked:

"I really, really just want to know what he means by "serial shitting"."

Way to focus there, Lilu.

But then I figured:


The last time I did this, I got some awesome backup and bitchin' responses from you guys.


You in?

Good. Let's go.

From his email:

"My site is all original writing, most of it humorous, about dogs."

Okay, Rich. Gotcha.

Let's see here...let's find some good funny dog material..

"I have a bone to pick with the vet. Ordinarily, I enjoy picking bones (I am, lest you forget, a dog)"

What the fuck? You're a fucking dog?

OH. You're writing your posts AS a dog.

You, sir, are GENIUS.


This will be like reading Marmaduke but in much longer, blog post form.

What will Marmaduke do next?! OMG OMG OMG I can't wait to find out!

Marmaduke be crazy.

"When that deranged vet says that I'm overweight, he's just demonstrating his ignorance. What he calls, "overweight," I call, "famine-proof." A smart dog like me knows trouble often lurks right around the corner. With an extra 10% or so bodyweight, I will be able to face that trouble head on, without crippling hunger thwarting my ability to plan and think clearly."

Sides. Hurt. So badly.


How you are relegated to a life as a pet/sitter dog walker (reach for the stars, they say) and not doing stand-up or starring in Rob Schneider movies is a mystery for the ages.

Serial shitting. Seriously.

Explain that to us.

Sorry. Just kind of driving me nuts.

Then I got bored and stopped looking at his site because, honestly, if I want to read funny things about dogs I'll instead stick a knife in my eye socket because I just realized that apparently I'm a guy who likes to read funny things about dogs.

So, instead, I immediately started following him on Twitter and then sent him a 'friend request' on Facebook and then became a follower of his blog and convinced two other people to do the exact same thing.


I guess I am kind of a dick.

Huh. Guy was right the whole time.

Go figure.

You wanna play?

Of COURSE you do.

Here's Rich's site:

Website: From the Den of the Dog


Oh...by the way. He has his phone number on his website.

Not that I'd condone any of that. Or anything else for that matter.*

* legal disclaimer

Thanks for the post idea, Rich.





Like, literally, two minutes AFTER I finished this fucking post but BEFORE I posted it, this guy Rich sent me..

..wait for it..



And it wasn't just like an, "I'm sorry" apology it was like a "I'm really sorry and I'm fucked up and people around me are dying or crippled or are dying from being crippled" and I'm all, like, 'OH COME ON!'

So, yeah, I felt bad and almost didn't put this up. But, honestly, I was really fucking PISSED so - believe it or not - I actually TONED THIS POST WAY DOWN and removed a bunch of his contact info prior to posting because when you're fucked up and surrounded by crippled dying people I can see how you can be mean.

To see Rich's actual apology email to me AND my reply to him about why I was still posting this, click here.

Am I a dick for still posting this?



But he started it (I'm 5). And I still don't know if he is playing me.

If you want to still berate this guy after that, have at it. Trust me...he's waiting for it.

But maybe be a little gentle about it.

This guy has enough fucking issues.


Griffin said...

I'm sooo gonna have to troll this @55hat for you, not that you need a troll, but hey, I'm phuckin' bored today, so what's a guy to do...And pr0n is not an option while I'm at the office.

JenJen said...

Um. I'm not calling you a dick any more.
Imma ascared....

Dual Mom said...

That was so funny, I'd kinda like to piss you off just to have you react.

June said...

Did he ever explain serial shit to you?

You're a dick head with a heart.
Damn, what a guy.

Ducky said...

The whole time I'm laughing and thinking "awww...comeone Mooooog the guy is probably special ed. (I can say that cuz I work w/them). I mean really...cut the guy some slack". And then I read your email volley and I'm like "SCOOOORE! I was SO right on!"

I think its sweet that you only half-roundhoused his ass...Tis the season and all...

Maxie said...

Since when is shaving your pubes a bad thing?

BigSis said...

My life is so boring, but today I'm grateful for that!

Lee said...

Is that HIS fat ass dog?? Should we call the SPCA on him and have him put in a cage? We have his phone number....we can call the dog catcher and have him put away with the rest of the dogs running around without a clue. I am a dog lover, but some dogs need to be put down.

Unknown said...

I gotta say, you never disappoint!

Donnie said...

So what is serial shitting?! You and Rich sound like you could be soul mates of the best kind if he would only open up to you more and explain things like serial shitting.

Travis said...

Really, I think we might be twins.

Like, you got more of the funniness, and I got the looks, the height, and the ability to climax 45 seconds in instead of 30.

So yeah.

Good post.

Mike said...

"....That you're a short, premature ejaculating, junk shaving, serial shitting,...."

I'm pretty sure writing about that stuff DOES make you funny. Perhaps your 500+ subscribers are wrong? Must be!

Malach the Merciless said...


LBluca77 said...

Seriously I NEVER get hate mail and it really bothers me.

You're so lucky.

Just A Girl said...

I kind of agree with your bipolar assessment. That's a seriously harsh email to send someone for just rejecting their ad request. And then all of a sudden "Sorry dude I was out of line but maybe still kill yourself."

Freaaaky. But I'm with lbluca - I never get hate mail. It's bullshit.

Grizzly Bear said...

First I want to thank you for finding the perfect shirt for my boyfriend because he is a dick. LOL

Thank you for adding new words to my vocabulary that I never knew existed.

THANK YOU GOD it isn't me your are talking about. ROFL......

Good day!

Anonymous said...

I don't know man, "...short, premature ejaculating, junk shaving, serial shitting..." it's like he KNOWS you! :) Maybe the dude just had a lousy day and rejection sends him into a frenzy? Maybe he needs a nice long wank and a beer.

Narm said...

Man, instead of asking you to off your family he should just send them his blog - this "I'm a dog" shit is KILLING me.

Moooooog35 said...

Veggie: Is that all I have to do to get a nice wank and a beer?


I'll be home around 2.

Narm: LOL - you, sir, are the wind beneath my wings.

Except not as gay.

Anonymous said...

OK I forgive you for your premature ejaculation!

rachaelgking said...

I'll forgive him if he just explains what the FUCK serial shitting is.


Ed said...

I say he's fair game.

Retard or not.

Of course, I won't be participating, because I'm nicer than you.

Ed said...

I say he's fair game.

Retard or not.

Of course, I won't be participating, because I'm nicer than you.

Susan Higgins said...

Note to self... don't piss off Moog, EVER!

rwwells said...

Now if this guy would just include his satanic dog, Snoopifer, sidekick to angry Charlie Brown, in his blog than that would be funny and there wouldn't be all this dick being tossed around.

Gawd, that sounded bad!

Moooooog35 said...

Secretia: Wow. Well..THERE'S a first.

Lilu: I know, I know..then he just all disappeared leaving us to wonder.

It's like waterboarding but less wet.

Ed Adams: Awww..tugs at my heartstrings.

You're just way more whipped than I am.

Cooking: You missed putting 'pussy' in a sentence. Sucks to be not 100%, doesn't it.

I know how that feels.


Susan: *snap in Z formation

* unsnaps because man that was wicked gay

rwwells: I'm disturbed on many different levels here, now.


http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Is a serial shitter one of those guys who leaves bags of flaming dog shit on people's doorsteps and then rings the doorbell and runs away? Of course, he probably uses his own shit in the bag instead of the dog's. Maybe.

http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.com said...

Then again, he did write about dogs eating their dead owner and that sort of writing does have some merit... you know, for being weird and shit. The true test, though, is whether he thought it was funny that the dogs ate their dead owner. (That kind of stuff cracks me up every time.)

Vodka Logic said...

I like Dual MOms reply. I want to piss you off too...

Moooooog35 said...

Meleah: You see me for who I really am.

A short sex machine.

Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

CatLady: All I know is when I eat Grape Nuts that STUFF DOES NOT DIGEST.

Then I become a cereal shitter.

Thank you, I'm here all week.

Vodka: Go for it.

Like Mr. T said in Rocky 3..the prediction for the fight?


Not really. But sounded REALLY cool didn't it?

Jay Ferris said...

Am I the only one who thinks that Rich should write and illustrate Christmas cards?

Casey said...

So like.. I think you're my hero. I am far too lazy to visit the sites of my hate mailers. Though in looking at your post, I see that was clearly a mistake.

Then again most of my haters are morbidly obese broads that are pissed because I have a nice ass and they have several sub par rolls that are often mistaken as asses. But I digress, anyone who posts as a dog and then gets angry over you not putting up a crummy little picture is kind of asking for it, apology or not. It's like the new kid in school that rides around on a broom horse with a cowboy hat.. it's only a matter of time before he gets his ass kick.. or in this case roasted

bikramyogachick said...

Wait, shaving your junk is bad?
Serial Shitting: well, if he's not going to tell us what the hell that is then it's fair game. New entry for the urban dictionary. I know you can come up with something both disgusting and hilarious!

Moooooog35 said...

Jay: Yes. I think you really are.

Just sayin'.

Casey: See what you've been missing?

Now you know. You have to go read the other one (Bloo) - it's SO much meaner. Plus I got my readers in on the action. Super bonus.

Bikram: No. Shaving your junk is NOT bad.

It's colder, sure. But not bad.

I shall do my best on urban dictionary!! Great idea!

MrsBlogAlot said...

Now my sides REALLY hurt so badly!!!

So what's on your list for tomorrow?

UberGrumpy said...

Maybe he really is a dog

UberGrumpy said...

P.S. Love your 'to do' list

Anonymous said...

Hey! Funny stuff!

Unknown said...

That was frickin hilarious, dude. Was about to open a can of woop ass on the dude then decided to keep reading and the poor dog dude has crippled dying people around him. Bless.

I have annoying, hungry children around me so I guess I can sympathise.

Claudya Martinez said...

I just don't believe that you wash your hands after you masturbate and before you drink fluids, so I don't know whether to believe the rest of this post.

Moooooog35 said...

MrsBlogalot: Stay tuned where the Jewish people take a turn at becoming irate at me!

UberGrumpy: if he IS a dog and can type, I'm totally kidnapping him and going all USA Sideshow with him.

Aunt Juicebox: Maybe he's brilliantly retarded. Can they do that?

Ginger: I hear 'Psycho' music in this guy's future...

Christiejolu: Thanks. Although I was going for 'dark drama' on this so I guess I missed the mark.

Alex: My children aren't hungry..but they are WICKED annoying.

Unknown Mami: I have to wash, otherwise the paper cup just sticks to them.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Matt said...

Mastrubation dehydration is a total myth. If it were true I would have been hospitalized by now.

and blind.

BugginWord said...

I'm so disappointed in you! You toned it down?! Why'd you go and do that for?

JD at I Do Things said...

Shoot. I left an awesome comment but I may have been dumped in the spammer because I dared to include a link. ANYway, this guy has several EC cards. If you have the time and inclination, go to his site and page back maybe 2 or 3 pages of older posts. He has a poll where he asks his readers which EC logo he should go with.

There's one in particular that, had he used instead of his dog logo? Might've changed this WHOLE freaking exchange.

You just have to see it to believe it.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I've never received any hate mail, but I'd like to. Can you refer this dude to my site? Thanks, in advance.

Gauche said...

I leave this blog for a month and this is what I come back to? good Lord Moog.

Moooooog35 said...

Matt: you and me both, brotha..you and me both.

Bugginword: In the interest of keeping this blog NC-17, I did that.

I know. Not sure what I was thinking, either.

JD: OH WTF...really? Why DIDN'T HE USE THAT ONE?!?!?

It defies thinking. The fact that he DIDN'T use the chick on the leash leads me to believe he deserved this even more.

How do you NOT use that?!?!?

MikeWJ: Just tell him you aren't using his ad. Be patient..it will happen for you.

Gauche: I can't gauge if you're saying this is good or bad.

Have you seen the Bible Wii game video yet? Maybe that will make you feel more comfortable.

But probably not.

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