How to Light the Cannon Lady's Fuse | Mental Poo

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How to Light the Cannon Lady's Fuse


Ten bucks says her sex toys are modified roman candles.

Let me explain.

I took my kids YET AGAIN to see a Monster Truck show here in New Hampshire.

I decided to go again because it's just not a successful weekend unless you've been somewhere that required you to have foam shoved two inches deep into your ears.

That's what she said.

What?

But then we get there and SONOFABITCH the first time I fire up the camera I get the 'Battery is Dead' message and YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME because although I did NOT see an epic mullet in my section I DID see the creepiest shirt I've ever seen on a guy and because now I can't take a picture I have to friggin' draw it for you:


So I'm seeing this guy walk up the stairs with his spiked blonde hair and this SPARKLY ANGEL SHIRT and I look over at my buddy Rob who is 220 pounds and responsible for breaking my hand not ONCE but TWICE in karate and say:

"Dude. I'm totally getting you that shirt."

Somehow, I predict broken hand #3 is in my future.

But before the show starts, we get..

CANNON LADY.

Yes. Cannon lady.


HOLY SHIT.

A lady who gets shot out of a goddamn CANNON?!?!! And I'm all, like, holy shit that's pretty hot and then she gets out and SHE'S pretty hot and I'm all thinking:

"How do you possibly satisfy a woman who gets shot out of a fucking cannon?"


Seriously - how do you satisfy a human cannonball chick?

I mean, I have my signature moves and shit (rhythm method) but all I can think of is being down in her business and doing swirly things and pump fakes - wait, that's football - and she's be all doing her nails and whistling, going 'Dude. I get SHOT OUT OF A CANNON. Pick it up!'

And that's why Rule #235 of my dating handbook says:

"NO CANNON LADIES! Impossible to please."

The more you know.


Then the trucks come out and do shit and the hicks in the audience are all, "GRAVE DIGGER WE LOVE YOUUUUUUU!" and I'm like, "Dude...it's a fucking truck" and then 1,000 cans of Schlitz come raining down and then sparkly angel shirt guy starts throwing travel packs of lube at me.

Typical.

Then the next intermission we get:

RADICAL ROB

So Radical Rob is this guy who climbs into a big box (that's what she said) with TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE (pussy) and then...

THEY BLOW THE BOX UP.

Like, yeah.

Like 'boom' but WAY louder and I don't think I have a font that goes that big.

So we all do the countdown from ten and this is where you know you're in a Monster Truck show because you're the only one who is actually counting correctly and then HOLY SHITFUCK the box blows up with Radical Rob inside.


Then the smoke clears and it turns out that he survived - which, honestly, kind of sucks because I paid 25 bucks for these fucking tickets and I don't even get to see ONE VIOLENT DEATH?!

Gyp.


Then they introduce him:

"..and he's married to The Cannon Lady..."

Oh.

He's married to The Cannon Lady.

I suppose that makes sense. Cuz I'm guessing that if there's one guy who can satisfy a woman who gets shot out of a goddamn cannon it's gonna be a guy who blows himself up every day.

Speaking of blowing himself, I'm still trying to figure out where that guy got the sparkly angel shirt.

My buddy's gonna love it.

51 comments:

kate said...

We didn't get to see a Canon Lady OR Dynamite Guy when we went to the monster truck show here...we did, however, get to see the guy who lit himself on fire and jumped off of a 30 foot crane. He was all alone, though. Where is that guy's Canon Lady?

JenJen said...

lordy what a white trash mess. I loved the "more cannons -->" graphic. Giggle.

Travis said...

Your artwork is amazing. You should do a children's book or some shit.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I'd suggest the opera or perhaps a nice play in a theatre.

Christiejolu said...

Wow! Can't say I have ever been to a Monster truck show, If I say it sounds like a fun time would you believe me? LOL!

meleah rebeccah said...

Um... I have never even considered going to a Monster truck show. [Until NOW]. I really wish you had gotten a photo of the Sparkly Angel Shirt. That must have been truly comical.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Nothing like the smell of gasoline and being blown up to make ya smile.

Momma Fargo said...

You need a bomb suit for one...add that to your rule book...love your rule book.

I'm thinking you probably should not take Travis's advice on a children's book...maybe a soft porn/comedy book for dysfunctional lovers.

And finally...are you sure you were not at a mullet convention?

Ben said...

This post could have used an oversized image of an eagle standing by a flag.

Brutalism said...

Every time a bell rings a friend gets a sparkly angel wing shirt...Or something like that.

Actually, maybe that should be amended to "every time the audience gets pelted with Schlitz" a friend gets a sparkly angel wing shirt.

All I know is that I'm looking for a cannon.

Yankee Girl said...

I am so sorry you didn't get to see a guy blow his head off at the show. That would have made for an awesome post. This one is just so-so.

I mean, yes, seeing a woman get shot out of a cannon is cool, but nothing is as cool as decapitation.

Moooooog35 said...

Kate: SOMEONE GET THAT GUY A CANNON LADY!!!

Also, gives new meaning to 'great balls of fire.'

JenJen: White trash is the most fun trash.

True story.

Travis: I fear for our children.

Wannabe: I would only go to an opera if I was struck deaf at the monster truck show.

Christiejolu: The bestest part is watching the babies - YES..PEOPLE BRING BABIES - scream because you've just killed their eardrums you stupid fuckshits.

Meleah: I Googled and Googled it but nothing even CLOSE came up.

Lee: WHAT?! WHAT?!

Momma: I didn't see a single mullet this time.

Tragic.

Ben: ..and yet you didn't supply one.

WTF.

Brutalism: The only bells ringing are in my ears which totally explains that guy's shirt.

Moooooog35 said...

yankee Girl: Thank you. A 'so so' post was what I was shooting for.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Are you sure it was a dude in the wing shirt? It is New Hampshire after all. (I've met a lot of dykes from there, just saying.)

Did you keep the tubes of lube? I'm thinking those may come in handy when looking for cannons. (ha, ha, in handy! I crack myself up!)

Coffeypot said...

I think it's soooo swweeeeettt that you want to by your bestest buddy a sparkly t-shirt. Make it match the sparkling thong you bought him earlier.

Mrsblogalot said...

I'm only slightly sad that there was no mullet this time and a little low that nobody actually got blown to bits but I hardly even noticed because I was busy cracking up over your "signature moves and shit"!

Mike said...

You might not have gotten to pay for seeing people die, but I figure it's like a lottery - you pay for the CHANCE to see him die. The more times he does it yadda yadda.

Summer said...

Not only was that the most awesome story, by far, I've ever heard, but I'm obsessing over sparkly angel shirt guy.

Don said...

If I hear one moron say that everybody in Ms. is a fucking redneck, I'm coming to N.H. in my pickup with all of the gun racks full and shoot your twinkly t-shirt fucking ass. Sheesh!

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You totally make me want to go to a monster car show now!

Miss Spoken said...

Didn't they used to call you Cannon Girl in High School?

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Getting shot out of the cannon WITH the cannon girl....now there's an idea for a date night! She's a pro, she'll show you the ropes if you're gun shy...

J said...

I hear the whole monster truck thing every time i visit my in-laws, being that they love that crap and mom-in-law is a total gravedigger groupie, so i hear ya buddy.

However, being that I have total OCD or AADD (self diagnosed of course) I couldn't help but wonder how long it took you to draw that shirt (the detailing was amazing.) Also, is that is your handwriting in your rule book? If so, you have amazing penmanship.

Sarah P said...

Blow up guy is going to blow you up for trying to nail his wife's cannons.

$25 for how many tickets, now?

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

i love that you called boobs cannon's

Ed said...

They never do cool shit like that at our Monster Jams.

We always get the naked clowns racing on minibikes while holding chainsaws.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Well that's just incredible. And just like you with Cannon lady, I suppose no woman can measure up for Radical Rob if he not only blows himself (up) every day, but does the sexy business with a woman who shoot herself out of a cannon on a regular basis.

Also? Your video is the most I've ever attended a monster truck show before. So thanks for that.

LiLu said...

You can have your daughter bedazzle his name on the shirt, too!

Moooooog35 said...

MadWoman: It was a guy. Trust me. We were staring quite a bit.

Coffey: So says the guy I bought the sparkly thong for.

Mrsblogalot: Rhythm method. Works every time. Every time meaning never.

Mike: JESUS. How many of these things do I have to go to, then?!

Summer: You and 1500 other weird people.

Don: Everybody in MS is a fucking redneck.

BRING IT ON!

Tee: That was not my intent. My apologies.

Miss: SECRETS ARE SUPPOSED TO REMAIN SECRETS!!

Shitty: Ooooooh. Somehow, I don't think Radical Rob will allow it.

J: It took me upwards of ten minutes. But it was at work so I round it up to the nearest hour so I can get paid for it.

Sarah: He'll have to catch me first. I may not fly from a cannon, but I can run like the wind.

Alexa: You're welcome.

Ed: You sure that's not your Sunday barbeque?

Nanny: Why does a woman need to measure up? Jesus. Just lay there and I'm good.

You women get so particular.

Lilu: I fear you've been peeking into my Bedazzler drawer again.

Cheeky monkey.

CatLadyLarew said...

$25 and you weren't splattered with human entrails? Definitely ask for your money back... or 20 minutes with the cannon lady.

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG!! You are so, frigging HILARIOUS! So, Sparkly Wing Guy threw LUBE at you? Um...I'm....speechless!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG!! You are so, frigging HILARIOUS! So, Sparkly Wing Guy threw LUBE at you? Um...I'm....speechless!

Elly Lou said...

I'm pretty sure you owe me a margarita now...or at least a can of Schlitz.

http://www.amourrocks.com/men-s-angel-wings-t-shirt-1263-0.html

hiphophippie.com said...

It's obvious that I need a monster truck rally in my life. I also need a guy who blows himself up everyday.

Malach the Merciless said...

That last line, I would buy that t-shirt

Colby said...

I never imagined I'd go to a Monster Truck show, but I think the people-watching aspect of it alone might be worthwhile. You have opened my eyes.

Daffy said...

I really like things that go boom.

Canon lady is pretty hot. I bet she'd totally leave fire box douche for you if you had that sparklie wing shirt...

Eva Gallant said...

Somehow, I just didn't picture you as a monster truck show kinda' guy.

Wicked Shawn said...

I've never gone to one of these things, always assumed people would see me and somehow just know I was only there to mock them. However, this could be worth risking life and limb. I must see mullets and men in glittery winged shirts and possible decapitations. Oh yes, I must!!!!

Maxie said...

Damn it. Elly Lou totally beat me to the punch. You can get the bedazzled angel wing shirt on e-bay for only 12.99. Guess what you're getting for your birthday.

Try to contain yourself till then. I know you probably can't stand it.

LB said...

Holy crap! I don't ever remember a Monster Truck show being so entertaining. Dude, I'm sure Cannon Lady would love you, little pee-pee and all.

Moooooog35 said...

CatLady: I KNOW, right? You'd figure entrails were included in the admission price.

The hell.

Anything: Welcome to my life.

Elly: FAIL! Wrong shirt!!

Seriously. That one is way less feminine than the one I saw. Please note the colors on the wings. That's pretty exact except I couldn't get the sparkly stuff.

That's what she said.

hiphop: If I could blow myself, I'd never leave the house.

Oh. UP. Nevermind.

Malach: "My buddy's gonna love it"..?

Dude. That's just weird.

Colby: SO worth the ear damage.

Daffy: I know..the search continues...

Eva: I'm not. That's what makes it all the more bizarre.

Wicked: People who go to monster truck shows don't understand the concept of 'mocking.' You should be safe.

Maxie: WRONG SHIRT!! KEEP LOOKING BITCHES!!

LB: You make me sound so endearing.

MommaKiss said...

What the fuck am I missing by working so much! Christ!

For the record, doing your nails while participating in "the signature moves" is just rude. I mean, not like I'd know...I'm just guessing.

bikramyogachick said...

I'm not quite sure why you subject yourself to all of that. Great blog fodder is really the only reason!

SoccerMom said...

Only at a "truck show" and county fairs can you see so much white trash and mullets in one afternoon. Sounds like you had one kick ass time.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Re: Travis's comment and your response, I fear for your children too, but maybe for a different reason. Maybe it's that YOU are their father. ;)

Knucklehead said...

I went to a KISS concert back in the 90's at Dodger Stadium and as part of the pre-show they had a performer called "Dynamite Lady" complete with her own theme song. She got in a wooden box and then someone shoved dynamite into her box and, um, yeah, and then she exploded. Or something like that.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Rednecks. They're just fantastic, aren't they?

Simply "T" said...

"So we all do the countdown from ten and this is where you know you're in a Monster Truck show because you're the only one who is actually counting correctly"

I actually spit out my drink reading this. HAHA

Happy Horseshit said...

Is #237 "don't say anything horrible about Gerard Butler"? The pen was in my way.

Happy Horseshit said...

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA BLOGGER APPROVAL? WTF JUST HAPPENED HERE.

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