Ten bucks says her sex toys are modified roman candles.
Let me explain.
I took my kids YET AGAIN to see a Monster Truck show here in New Hampshire.
I decided to go again because it's just not a successful weekend unless you've been somewhere that required you to have foam shoved two inches deep into your ears.
That's what she said.
But then we get there and SONOFABITCH the first time I fire up the camera I get the 'Battery is Dead' message and YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME because although I did NOT see an epic mullet in my section I DID see the creepiest shirt I've ever seen on a guy and because now I can't take a picture I have to friggin' draw it for you:
So I'm seeing this guy walk up the stairs with his spiked blonde hair and this SPARKLY ANGEL SHIRT and I look over at my buddy Rob who is 220 pounds and responsible for breaking my hand not ONCE but TWICE in karate and say:
"Dude. I'm totally getting you that shirt."
Somehow, I predict broken hand #3 is in my future.
But before the show starts, we get..
Yes. Cannon lady.
A lady who gets shot out of a goddamn CANNON?!?!! And I'm all, like, holy shit that's pretty hot and then she gets out and SHE'S pretty hot and I'm all thinking:
"How do you possibly satisfy a woman who gets shot out of a fucking cannon?"
Seriously - how do you satisfy a human cannonball chick?
I mean, I have my signature moves and shit (rhythm method) but all I can think of is being down in her business and doing swirly things and pump fakes - wait, that's football - and she's be all doing her nails and whistling, going 'Dude. I get SHOT OUT OF A CANNON. Pick it up!'
And that's why Rule #235 of my dating handbook says:
"NO CANNON LADIES! Impossible to please."
The more you know.
Then the trucks come out and do shit and the hicks in the audience are all, "GRAVE DIGGER WE LOVE YOUUUUUUU!" and I'm like, "Dude...it's a fucking truck" and then 1,000 cans of Schlitz come raining down and then sparkly angel shirt guy starts throwing travel packs of lube at me.
Then the next intermission we get:
So Radical Rob is this guy who climbs into a big box (that's what she said) with TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE (pussy) and then...
THEY BLOW THE BOX UP.
Like 'boom' but WAY louder and I don't think I have a font that goes that big.
So we all do the countdown from ten and this is where you know you're in a Monster Truck show because you're the only one who is actually counting correctly and then HOLY SHITFUCK the box blows up with Radical Rob inside.
Then the smoke clears and it turns out that he survived - which, honestly, kind of sucks because I paid 25 bucks for these fucking tickets and I don't even get to see ONE VIOLENT DEATH?!
Then they introduce him:
"..and he's married to The Cannon Lady..."
He's married to The Cannon Lady.
I suppose that makes sense. Cuz I'm guessing that if there's one guy who can satisfy a woman who gets shot out of a goddamn cannon it's gonna be a guy who blows himself up every day.
Speaking of blowing himself, I'm still trying to figure out where that guy got the sparkly angel shirt.
My buddy's gonna love it.