The Handicapable Asshole | Mental Poo

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

The Handicapable Asshole


Like the title of this post comes as news to anyone.

Shocker.

No..not that the title is actually shocking...

...I was just thinking of stinking my pinky in someone's bum.

My mind...

...it wanders, sometimes.


Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I'm a complete and utter asshole.

And all the colored girls say, "duh."

I never understood that line in the song.

Whatever.


I had come out of the gym and into the locker room the other day, all set to take my shower.

There, standing in front of me, was one of my coworkers, Randy.

No - it wasn't my boss and I didn't see his testicles.

This time.

That came earlier in the day when I had my 'review.'

I've digressed.

Randy was standing there in a towel...waiting.

Randy: "There's a line for the showers."

Shit.

I suppose I shall have to continue standing here in my glistening muscly sweatitude while normally straight men try to keep their hands from groping me uncontrollably.

It's my cross to bear.

I deal with it.


Five minutes later...we're still both there waiting for the showers.

FIVE AWKWARD SEMI-HOMO-EROTIC-TOWEL-WEARING MINUTES and not a single person has come out.

I hate waiting.

So...

Did I continue to sit and wait patiently?

HELL no.

Remember:

I'm an asshole.

Instead...

I went around the corner and flushed every single toilet in the locker room (two).

Not. Enough.

I then went to every faucet and turned the hot water on full blast.

There.

That should do it.

Fuckwads.


By the time I'd gone back into the shower area, I had successfully cold-water blasted one of those ignorant showering asshats out.

I'm awesome.

So, of course...

Randy immediately took the one open stall.

Ugh.

Mother of all that is anal and flowery!

When do I get to shower?!

(The Flowery Anal Mothers would be a great name for a rock band)


(yes...it made it onto the shirt!)

So, I peered down at the handicap shower stall...then walked down to it.

The curtain was closed.

But the shower wasn't on.

So I used it.


Yes.

I used the handicap shower.

On a related note:

Sitting down in the shower is a fucking blast.

Cripples are SO lucky.

Hey...the 'no leg' thing totally sucks...don't get me wrong here.

But as far as shower privileges go they have it made.

Seats.

Bars to hold onto.

Little massaging shower head thingy.

It's like attending Mardi Gras but you need a wheelchair to qualify for the parade.

I've gone off topic.


By the time I got out of the shower, Randy was drying off.

Me: "Hey...Randy..you know...the handicapped stall was open the whole time."

Randy: "What?"

Me: "Yeah. I just used it."

Randy: "You know, I saw the curtain was closed and figured someone was using it."

Me: "Yeah...but even if someone was using it...it's the HANDICAP stall. Just drag the friggin' guy out and take your shower."

That was my line.

Just drag the friggin' handicapped guy out and take your shower.

Yep.

I'm an asshole.

But I'm a sparkly clean muscly one.

Don't hate.

47 comments:

Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

Do I sense a home bathroom renovation in your future?

Elly Lou said...

Handicapped people pee in the shower, too. You totally sat in someone's love cheese.

Plaid Guru said...

haha....i love you?

MJenks said...

Unless you were snoodling, I don't think it was that homoerotic.

JenJen said...

I was distracted at the sweaty muscles. Was there more?

Daffy said...

I'm still stuck on the three fingers....

ummm not literally....

Travis said...

I guess ol Daff has never heard of "2 in the pink, one in the stink?"

Either way, I've been wrestling with sitting down in the shower for quite some time now, and your pro/con picture sealed it.

Hell, I might even get a wheelchair.

bikramyogachick said...

I couldn't make it past "two men in nothing but a towel".
My mind...it also wanders....

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Your world collide too much and I see a lot of bromance in your future!

Hopefully, you are done having children because you may get punished for that or just renovate your bathroom and get one of those tub you walk in and sit. Its like getting cooked by natives.

Ziva said...

You're not an asshole, you're an opportunist. Had you actually dragged a one-legged man out from the stall and then used his wheelchair while you showered, then you would have been an asshole.

...unless you were in a hurry and apologized for doing it, of course. Then you still would have been an opportunist.

metsuke said...

Your words are so much the fun to reading. I am big fan and also like the good time for showers.

Mike said...

Luckily for you I'm pretty sure being male and under 5'3" in height is actually considered a handicap so you wouldn't have gotten in trouble anyways.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Ah, my dear, but at times, being an asshole pays off. As you have seen. You experienced a joy few people get to see- the handicapped shower. You should give yourself a pat on the back...

Or a lap dance.

Maxie said...

I really, really thought this was going to end with you guys showering together.

Just saying.

LB said...

Karma is watching you...

Alex said...

Karma be damned, sitting in the shower is frickin awesome.

Moooooog35 said...

jessica: AND a self-hobbling adventure!

Elly: Pee is love cheese?

Plaid: Mom?

Mjenks: I left out the towel-snapping scene on purpose.

jenJen: I don't know. I got distracted, too.

Daffy: Somehow..I'm so not surprised.

Travis: Dude. I wouldn't sit down in YOUR shower. We know what you do.

bikram: You should see the photos stored on my camera phone.

Wannabe: Unless this vasectomy reverses itself, yes...I'm done.

Ziva: I live for validation such as this.

metsuke: the hell?

Mike: So is being an utter douchebag, so you're safe as well.

Yay us!

Christina: If I could give myself a lap dance, I wouldn't be here right now.

Maxie: There is always something to be said for the imagination, right?

RIGHT?!

LB: I'm DOOMED.

Alex: I know. Wait. What?

Vodka Logic said...

Hey if there are no handicaps around I say use it.. so you're not a complete asshole.. hope that helps.

Mrsblogalot said...

Wait. Being an asshole is not a handicap?

Sarah said...

You just can't wash off that kind of stink.

Laurie said...

Is little dick's considered a handicap?

Not that you have one, or that I would know, but you know...if you're juiced, I've heard stories...

I'll shut up now.

john said...

Dude, you are wrong in so many possible ways, I can't even explain anymore why I keep on reading you...

Summer said...

Am I wrong for being ecstatic when handicap facilities are open? CUZ I'm definitely not above using their shit. It's always better and cleaner.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Never mind all that. Now about this "little massaging shower head" thing...

kathcom said...

I totally agree about sitting in the shower...and not weeping on the floor in a Glenn Close in Big Chill way. But it is a bit weird to think of other people's bare asses--and handicapped, too?--gross! I prefer to think the seat is self cleaning.

And "dragging the guys friggin' ass out of the shower" is a great line. So what if you're an asshole? Now you'll never have to wait for the shower again.

Brutalism said...

Oh, Moooooog -- Don't think of yourself as a handicapable asshole...think of yourself as a "differently abled" asshole...

Moooooog35 said...

Vodka: Wait..there really ARE handicaps?

I thought someone made that shit up.

Mrsblogalot: No. It totally is. That's why I get to park up close without a sticker.

Sarah: I know..I still smell of onions.

?

Laurie: STOP BEGGING FOR PHOTOS.

It's unbecoming.

Just ASK.

John: You keep reading because you secretly love my hot bum.

Summer: It's not cleaner after I'm done with it.

Veggie: I've been waiting.

No surprise here that you're the one.

Kathcom: It IS self cleaning. Like soap...and Nicole Richie.

Brutalism: Thank you. I feel so much better now. Although I do believe I'm now disqualified for the Olympics.

The Blue Zoo said...

I just have to get that asshole T-shirt for my husbands asshole friend. Im sure he would love it!

Eva Gallant said...

I am constantly amazed.

LMJ said...

HANDICap baths are the best shit ever!!! i love all the space!!!!

you can stretch your feet while u take a sh*t!!!

Malach the Merciless said...

I don't speak like that, we are all one car accident away from having to use those all the time

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

OMG, the handicaps get ALL the good stuff, don't they? Geez!!

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

never sit on the shower seat. fecal matter kills.

Ed said...

The best part of this post was the T-shirt with the picture of your face on it.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Dude, you're so going to hell already that you're playing with house money at this point.

Wicked Shawn said...

That whole post was "shocking" bwahahaha

Moooooog35 said...

Blue Zoo: I know..I wish I'd thought of it.

RICH!

Eva: Try to keep 'em guessing. That's my motto. That, and 'I THINK this will fit in there.'

LMJ: I was talking more about the shower, but if that's where you shit, more power to you.

Malach: Ironically, my sciatica is pinched to the point of nearly crippling me.

Payback SUCKS.

Anything: RIGHT?!

Claire: Why are all you women pooping in the handicap shower?

Ed: Touche'.

Woops...spelled that wrong.

Douche.

Chris: Shit like that is why I don't go to Vegas.

Don said...

I want one of those t-shirts. I love raspberry doughnuts!!!
Don't forget handicap parking spots and ramps instead of stairs for handicap people to go along with the shower thingy.

Me-Me King said...

After reading Don's comment, I'm concerned about his choice of doughnuts.

Lizzy and Elle said...

I have awesome visuals in my mind

btw we took stuff

Jay Ferris said...

This is the main reason why all my one night stands take place at nursing homes.

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MommaKiss said...

I'm posting after that anon douchebag? What the fuck?

So - I am really considering moving to Guam. Where I never have access to things like the internet. And pictures like that juice head. It's burning my eyes. He's like the nastiest of nasty.

also? shocker would NEVER work on me. I take 0 in the stink.

MommaKiss said...

p.s. Can I borrow the a-hole of the week picture?

meleah rebeccah said...

And once again, you have managed to make something society would consider to be a "taboo" subject, into a friggen HILARIOUS blog post.

Thank you for making me laugh out loud. As always!

[Sorry I have NOT been snarky or witty with my comments lately.]

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

My uncle just died. If you see him when you get to hell, say hello for me.

twin said...

i ventured over here from cynicism 101...

i read your xmas list post...kids are awesome.

then i landed on this post next.

fucking great! funny stuff!

i've always considered myself the asshole for NOT using the handicap shower at the gym...when I really really want to. i mean...seriously...how often do you actually see a handicapped person using it? anyway...

this has cheered me up immensely.

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