Dictators Who Could be Saved by the Bell | Mental Poo

Monday, April 18, 2011

Dictators Who Could be Saved by the Bell

So I was annoyingly failing trying to make Mario Lopez unattractive in a completely heterosexual-yet-comfortable-with-my-own-non-homesexuality way when I thought back to my "Hitler moustache post" and wondered to myself:

What would happen if the most EVIL people in the world had Mario's features?

You don't have to ask me twice, people.


Bad Guy #1: Joseph Stalin

Joseph Stalin was the Soviet Leader from 1922 until blah blah blah that's what the Hell Wikipedia is for, people.


Joseph Stalin-Lopez

Please bear with me as I only have shitty Microsoft Paint on this thing so maybe, like, squint your eyes or some shit to get the true effect of this.

What I think I ended up with here is something that looks like the guy who played "The Bear Jew" in "Inglorious Basterds" but with a really bad makeup job.

Regardless, there's no way Joseph Stalin-Lopez ain't pullin' some legendary Babushka tail with those dimples.

Please note I didn't have to touch Stalin's hair AT ALL so I'm pretty sure that means that Mario Lopez is a Communist or - at the very least - is giving us a bullshit line about his Mexican heritage.

Saved by the Bell? More like "Saved by the Stateless and Classless Society Structured Upon Common Ownership of the Means of Production."

We're watching you, Mario. Or should I say, Mariovsky?

Bad Guy #2: Kim Jong Il

Kim Jong Il is the guy who runs one of the Koreas and I think it's North but it might be South and that ISN'T me saying that 'they all look alike' (they do) but I kind of only watch sports on the news and do the Sudoku in the paper unless Garfield has Nermal in it.

Nermal. What crazy shenanigans will you get Garfield into next?!


Kim Jong Il-Lopez


Two things are now abundantlly clear to me:

1) Microsoft Paint is NOT even a little close to being a photo editor AT ALL, and

2) This is what Urkel would have looked like if he had Elvis and Lucy Liu as parents.

Kim Jong Il-Lopez' looks say, "Sure I'm some creepy Asian-American-rock-icon-hybrid, but I have no interest in nuking my neighbors because I'm kind of busy doing tech support at Best Buy."

We are the world, Kim Jong Il.

We are the world.

Bad Guy #3: Ayatollah Khomenei

So this guy was a bad guy in Iran who may or may not have done bad shit but I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan didn't like the guy and anyone Ronald Reagan didn't like, well, I don't like you, either.

Yeah. I'm looking at YOU, Ron Reagan, Junior.

Regardless, by the time you read this I may be dead or in hiding or dead while in hiding because as I was making this post I Tweeted:

..and then no one replied to me so THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN YOU ASSHOLES.

Well..it's too late now so LET'S LOPEZIFY HIM!

Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez

Well, it's now painfully obvious that matching skin tones with Mario isn't the easiest thing when using a free drawing tool on Windows 7 (nice job, Bill Gates) so OOOOH I have Corel something or other so let's see if I can turn this into a painting!

(2 hours later after fucking with brush tones and blends and online help and SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU, BILL GATES..)

And now the softer yet much more rugged Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez says to the world, "Hey world. Yeah. I'm over here. *wink* Let's forget about our religious and political differences and ignore how we treat our women and let's just rip off our political burkhas and fling off our flip-flops as you ignore my complete lack of hygiene and we make sweet, sweet love together on a bed instead of, like, camel hair or whatever the fuck we screw on in Iran."

Can Mario Lopez bring true peace to the Middle East?

I'm beginning to think it's possible.

Don't worry. I have more.

I just have to come out of hiding first.

Moog Rushdie out.


Mike said...

You did this without once mentioning Hitler.

I'm proud of you.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

You have proved to me once again that dimples make everybody look a lot friendlier. I'd say: beware of serial killers with dimples!

John said...

I'm pretty sure Gaddafi would look rocking with Tiffany Amber Thiessen's rack.

jack mehoff said...

i quote don rickels: ill see to it that you never work again and that you wind up tearing tickets off in kuwait!!! salei malie malie kaliemacha and everybody's suckin sand

Elly Lou said...

I am overcome by the need to chew on Mario's jawline. PS have you tried GIMP? It's free. For photo editing. Not that I'm saying you need help in that department. Ahem.

Unknown said...

You make Satlin look hot and Kim Jong look like a burn victim. I like it!

Anonymous said...

"..and then no one replied to me so THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN YOU ASSHOLES."

You're welcome from another fatwa-less lunatic.

DB Stewart said...

What John said.

Unknown said...

You crack me up, and obviously have too much time on your hands!

Handflapper said...

Finally, someone has found a use for the previously useless Mario Lopez. Kudos to you, sir.

laughingmom said...

I think Stalin-Lopez looks like Reagan.

notactuallygod said...

Fun post, dood. But MS paint really limited you here, Rod. If only there were some program out there that would let you easily alter a PHOTO. SHOP around and I'm sure you'll find one.

Stacey said...

You totally seem heterosexual. Really.
Stalin really does have nice hair!

Chris said...

Okay, Ayatollah Lopez looks vaguely like a young Andre the Giant.

Or something.

meleah rebeccah said...

Ayatollah Khomenei = Sean Connery. *CRACKED ME THE HELL UP!

Thanks for the Monday laughs!

Pat said...

I just KNOW you're doing this during business hours. So to think you got PAID to do this makes me wonder why you didn't come up with a masterpiece of art, you know?

Emma_ps said...

This amused me so much I was laughing out loud , good use of your time and Mario Lopez !

J.J. in L.A. said...

Kim Jong Il is kinda cute Lopezified. And Stalin kinda looks like Adam Arkin.

Sarah said...

Kim Jong Adorable, you mean. Who's the cutest wittle psycopaff weader?

VEG said...

Am I the only one who sees that Stalin Lopez looks uncannily like Ronald Reagan? I think I'm on to something big.

Anonymous said...

I am impressed with your patience and your excessive amount of time on your hands. Kudos, Sir!

katsidhe said...

OMG that was brilliant! Haha!

C... said...

LMAO ... trust me my brother has hair like that and we're Mexican so yea ... we are not terrorists and that last one made him look like Lou Ferigno gone a bit pretty.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Who knew Kim Jong Il could look so hot? You did my friend, you did.

Christina_the_wench said...

Somewhere out there, Zach Morris is crying himself to sleep. Damn you.

MrsBlogAlot said...

I think I just heard Mary Hart howling with laughter...oh wait, that was me!

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: I wanted to go with kindler, gentler dictators this time around.

Absence: Have you seen mine? Dictatorlicious!

John: Seriously. Who wouldn't.

Jack: yes. what?

Elly: I have tried gimp. OH. The editor. No I haven't.

Brooke: It's how I roll.

Quirky: wimp.

dbs: four of them.


Eva: That's not time on my hands. I NEED A WETNAP, STAT!

Handflapper: You're welcome.

laughing: Not sure how I missed that one.

notactually: I'm confused.

Trucking: you sound cute.

I mean..um...ARGH.

Chris: Andre the Giant was young?!?!

meleah: you're welcome.

Pat: not fair, isn't it?

Emma: think you're the first to ever say that?

JJ: We should make this a drinking game.

Sarah: RIGHT?!

Veggie: Actually..someone beat you to it.

Jewels: hahaha. patience. you're funny.

katsidhe: *blushes

C: Hm. Now I feel like eating Mexican.


Cynicism: It's a gift. Or curse. Not sure.

Christina: ..while Screech gets his ass handed to him.

Mrsblogalot: YOU HOWL?!

*calls you

Chelle: I know. Makes me want to be one.


Ms. Faustus said...

Kim can't lighten up. He's ronery.

PBJdreamer said...


you are so creative, but keep it G rated over at my place ok?

thanks babe

that is all

A Beer for the Shower said...

A.C. Slater...who'd have thought any of you chumps would have careers after that ungodly stupid show?

Auto Title Loans said...

So what you're saying is that dimples and a nice smile is the way to world domination? If only these leaders were bloggers and read your post. I'm sure they would think twice about their facial hair in the morning.

badlarry said...

It might just be me, but I think Kim Jong Il-Lopez looks like the late comedian Greg Giraldo.

Rug Cleaning Los Angeles said...

Oh my goodness this is hilarious. Frankenstein with better hair and teeth! Ha! What a funny idea, love it.


SEO Los Angeles said...

Ok, so the Lopez features do really help others look kinder and more approachable, except for Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez. That one just looks like an evil version of Lopez.

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