So I was annoyingly failing trying to make Mario Lopez unattractive in a completely heterosexual-yet-comfortable-with-my-own-non-homesexuality way when I thought back to my "Hitler moustache post" and wondered to myself:
What would happen if the most EVIL people in the world had Mario's features?
You don't have to ask me twice, people.
LET'S GO TO THE TAPE!
Bad Guy #1: Joseph Stalin
Joseph Stalin was the Soviet Leader from 1922 until blah blah blah that's what the Hell Wikipedia is for, people.
Let's LOPEZIFY HIM!
Please bear with me as I only have shitty Microsoft Paint on this thing so maybe, like, squint your eyes or some shit to get the true effect of this.
What I think I ended up with here is something that looks like the guy who played "The Bear Jew" in "Inglorious Basterds" but with a really bad makeup job.
Regardless, there's no way Joseph Stalin-Lopez ain't pullin' some legendary Babushka tail with those dimples.
Please note I didn't have to touch Stalin's hair AT ALL so I'm pretty sure that means that Mario Lopez is a Communist or - at the very least - is giving us a bullshit line about his Mexican heritage.
Saved by the Bell? More like "Saved by the Stateless and Classless Society Structured Upon Common Ownership of the Means of Production."
We're watching you, Mario. Or should I say, Mariovsky?
Bad Guy #2: Kim Jong Il
Kim Jong Il is the guy who runs one of the Koreas and I think it's North but it might be South and that ISN'T me saying that 'they all look alike' (they do) but I kind of only watch sports on the news and do the Sudoku in the paper unless Garfield has Nermal in it.
Nermal. What crazy shenanigans will you get Garfield into next?!
Let's LOPEZIFY HIM!
Kim Jong Il-Lopez
Two things are now abundantlly clear to me:
1) Microsoft Paint is NOT even a little close to being a photo editor AT ALL, and
2) This is what Urkel would have looked like if he had Elvis and Lucy Liu as parents.
Kim Jong Il-Lopez' looks say, "Sure I'm some creepy Asian-American-rock-icon-hybrid, but I have no interest in nuking my neighbors because I'm kind of busy doing tech support at Best Buy."
We are the world, Kim Jong Il.
We are the world.
Bad Guy #3: Ayatollah Khomenei
So this guy was a bad guy in Iran who may or may not have done bad shit but I'm pretty sure Ronald Reagan didn't like the guy and anyone Ronald Reagan didn't like, well, I don't like you, either.
Yeah. I'm looking at YOU, Ron Reagan, Junior.
Regardless, by the time you read this I may be dead or in hiding or dead while in hiding because as I was making this post I Tweeted:
..and then no one replied to me so THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN YOU ASSHOLES.
Well..it's too late now so LET'S LOPEZIFY HIM!
Well, it's now painfully obvious that matching skin tones with Mario isn't the easiest thing when using a free drawing tool on Windows 7 (nice job, Bill Gates) so OOOOH I have Corel something or other so let's see if I can turn this into a painting!
(2 hours later after fucking with brush tones and blends and online help and SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU, BILL GATES..)
And now the softer yet much more rugged Ayatollah Khomenei-Lopez says to the world, "Hey world. Yeah. I'm over here. *wink* Let's forget about our religious and political differences and ignore how we treat our women and let's just rip off our political burkhas and fling off our flip-flops as you ignore my complete lack of hygiene and we make sweet, sweet love together on a bed instead of, like, camel hair or whatever the fuck we screw on in Iran."
Can Mario Lopez bring true peace to the Middle East?
I'm beginning to think it's possible.
Don't worry. I have more.
I just have to come out of hiding first.
Moog Rushdie out.