My bicep is free of Carrot Tops and Epsteins!! | Mental Poo

Friday, May 06, 2011

My bicep is free of Carrot Tops and Epsteins!!

As you read this, I'm under anesthesia.

Sadly, "Anesthesia" is not the name of a Playboy bunny.



I tore my left bicep for the second time in 8 months so I figured I'd just keep adding to the frequent-surgical-candidate 'rewards' points I get from my orthopedist from my shoulder surgery and hand reconstruction and, someday, hope to get myself a nice tote bag.

Which I'll probably have to carry in my right arm because, you know, my left arm SUCKS.

Just like when I had my ruptured disc repaired, they had to take MRI's.

On a side note: OMG DID ANYONE SAVE THE RECEIPT WHEN THE BOUGHT ME BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO RETURN THIS BODY FOR A SURGERY-FREE MODEL

Seriously. WTF.

Regardless, just like they did for my back MRI they give you the CD of all the pictures at which point I decide to look through them and then I SEE THINGS and it turns out I should probably get a labotomy.

Here are some things I saw in my bicep MRI images:


I guess that explains why when I bend my arm the wrong way I go, "Ouuuuuuuch."

Why he isn't healing the damn thing with his magic finger, though, I have no idea.

Weirder still, one of the hospitals I had the choice of doing the surgery was named 'The Elliot.'

Spooky.


GAH.

It's like Batman's enemy, 'Two-Face' except instead of a 'hopeful politician turned evil villain' it's 'standard distal bicep MRI.'

So, you know, nothing like Two-Face AT ALL.

Please note that before I saw the scared guy I actually drew this as an angry mime with his chapeau draped over his face.

I know. Sometimes I even want to run from myself, too.


I know that the Cowardly Lion is a bit of a stretch here but in my defense I'm pretty lazy.

Ok..one more..

..um..


...which prompted this Tweet:


I added in the finger for visual clarification.

It's called 'professionalism,' people.

Or..you know..my arm-vagina is starting to mess with my head.

See you on the other side.

Moog out.

28 comments:

C... said...

HA! that's just wrong. How the hell do you tear your bicep?

SarcasmInAction said...

Be safe today while you're under anastasia.
I sure hope when you wake up they have totally removed the arm vagina, and not just relocated it to say, oh I don't know...your crotch area.
Or your forehead.

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

Maybe you should get ET put his magic finger in your bicep vagina. I'm pretty sure that would solve everything AND feel pretty good.

Mike said...

If you cut your arm off it'll grow back problem free, right?

laughingmom said...

Good luck with the surgery. Were you under some type of anesthesia when you were looking at these images???

Eva Gallant said...

I guess that means you're a pussy!

Elly Lou said...

A bicep vagina can only lead to a bicep uterus. And you know what that means...

John said...

This is funny & everything . . . but, um, OUCH! Hope you're either back to normal (whatever the hell "normal" is for you) soon, or that they at least give you the fun pills to take.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Didja know that a vagina in your calf makes you a cow?

Knight said...

I know exactly how to make your arm vagina feel better.

Still waiting on that number.

Brutalism said...

Hope it all goes well today, freak show. Looking forward to the vicodin tweets.

jack mehoff said...

beat that fucker like it owes me money....is an expression. take it easy on yourself. you need a safe word....

how bout...

moroccan monacle

Coffeypot said...

Having a vagina so far up your arm is kinda useless (unless you are a contortionists.) Just stick with your hand.

Cognitive Dissenter said...

You don't need surgery. You need a vibrator.

So. Cal. Gal said...

I didn't see the cowardly lion...I saw the Elephant Man. And I sooooo saw a vagina!

But the finger helped.

Kris said...

I do not even have a comment.

Just giggling.

I would offer to kiss it and make it better.

But ummm . . . no.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I was thinking Vincent Price. Way creepier than the cowardly lion.

Also your vagina is huge!!!

Knatolee said...

God knows what the surgeons will do with that. Probably send you to Thailand!

SisterMerryHellish said...

I hope it went well! And that you somehow managed to write a post while under anesthesia...or Anastasia.

Either will do.

Tricia said...

I'd highly suggest you poke your biznatch into that arm-vagina and wiggle around. Let us know how it goes.

Opto-Mom said...

Does this mean you can get pregnant now?

And thanks for the finger picture. That totally clarified things for me!

Hope you feel better soon so you can carry lots of tote bags!

A Vapid Blonde said...

Okay, so I am looking more at your X-rays because my doctors didn't give me mine of my right fang boob to take home this week. (Yes I was poked and proded this week, so on and so forth)

First picture I totally see a sad cartoon turtle. Which when you google that it comes up with a picture of Maggie Gyllenngalallashhat. Makes perfect sense. Or this guy

The second X-Ray I see dychotomous fruit


The third picture is still Vincent Price, I don't care what anyone says.

If this comment gets eaten by your bicep vagina I am going to punch you in it.

With both fists.

Happy healing Moooooog35!

Dazee Dreamer said...

Drinking milk and reading your post at the same time is not a good idea. omg, loved the bicep vagina.

Greg said...

You might not have torn the muscle in your bicep if you weren't using the vagina in your arm to masturbate with...Now would you?

LilPixi said...

Your vagina is pretty big there. Great, now I'm gonna have the words "bicep vagina" in my head all day.

Pat said...

I bet this means I could beat you in arm wrestling! I WAS the 6th grade arm wrestling champ! I beat EVERYBODY except some guy named Jack. Really! And like Eva said, now that we know you're a pussy, I can beat you hands down!

Madge said...

Dude! Pic three is totally the devil! No wonder you are hurting, better have somebody shave your head Damian and look for 666 on your scalp!

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