Even though my son works for Hard Rock Cafe, I still love him | Mental Poo

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Even though my son works for Hard Rock Cafe, I still love him

Some of you may remember that from time to time I do giveaways from the Hard Rock Cafe in Seminole, Florida even though I live in New Hampshire.

I have no idea why.

My last giveaway was to promote a Bob Saget appearance and the ONLY reason I agreed to do it is because of the awesome back-and-forth I had with Ben, the rep from Hard Rock who will probably end up being my gay soulmate if I ever actually 'go gay.'

Get ready, Ben.

Get ready.

One day out of the blue I get this email from Ben:

Since I'm a relatively nice guy unless I really don't like you or it's a weekday or weekend, I said 'sure' and answered Ben's questions.

Here is what I sent him:



Moooooog35 (actual name withheld due to restrictions stated in Jessica Alba's 'restraining order' - such a bitch sometimes, seriously)

Old enough to be your father and probably am. Also: I love you, son.

Questionnaire Answerer, obviously.

Watching porn, masturbating, masturbating while watching porn, obsessively cleaning hands

only if you buy me dinner first. *wink*. Actually a hamster. Seriously. But you only get to see him if you buy me dinner first *wink again, but this time with sultry hand-on-hip positioning*

Fun facts:
I once won the coveted title of "World's Greatest Perpetual Liar." True story.

How did you start blogging?
With a computer hooked to the Internet. Honestly, Ben, these questions are kind of stupid.

What made you want to start a blog?
The promise of fame and fortune and the hope that, one day, I'll have my survey questions discussed in a presentation. WIN.

What about blogging do you enjoy? What keeps you doing it? What do you hateabout it?
I like making people laugh and then tell me that I'm awesome - especially women because I enjoy vaginas a lot. Like, a lot. Maybe too much. brb...hand washing time.

Okay. I'm back.

The part I hate about blogging is not making money at it yet. My therapy doesn't pay for itself, yo.

How can marketers better communicate with you?
Oooh. Telepathy would be cool. Either that, or by something like a bat-signal nut it would have to be in the northern sky because my apartment only has two windows. I have mold.

What other than money can they offer you that would make you want to post?
Fame and maybe something to have Jessica's restraining order pulled. This full-size paper mache' likeness is getting wrinkled in the back of my Kia.

When a marketer or promoter reaches out to you what can they do to make you more agreeable to posting their content?
Give me something I WANT to talk about or promote. Like my own pilot on Fox. Or a live viewing of Carrot Top's execution. I'd be happy with either, really.

The following Monday, I got this:

Way to go, Ben. Way to go.

But no need to thank me. It's a father's job.

I'm proud of you. Even if you do work for Hard Rock Cafe.


Ed said...

Awwww. Makes a father proud.

*wipes a tear*

Hard Rock sounds like Hard Cock. Maybe that's why Ben chose to work there.

Vinny C said...

Couldn't help but notice that you said earlier that he was your potential soul mate should you ever switch teams but also your son.

Really. Creepy.

Anonymous said...

And as always, people at work are staring at me. It's a wonder I still have a job reading you at work.

SarcasmInAction said...

Ben, if you read this, THANKS for my Hard Rock Cafe "survival" kit! I'm still alive, so it's clearly WORKING, Score.

jack mehoff said...

ben should loose his jobby job for spelling questionnaire wrong

just sayin...maebie spelng isnnta imporktante ate tha hard cock buffett

Unknown said...

I have to stop reading your posts at work - I'm getting in trouble for the laughing..

Minka said...

Seriously, you're not making $$$ at this shit yet? That doesn't bode well for the rest of us. You're obviously hilarious (to those of us who enjoy totally twisted, fucked up perverse, dry humor), and obviously kinda fucked up, because a "normal" (whatever that means, 'cause I have no idea) person could never be that funny in those kinds of ways (see above).

As they (whoever they are) say, there is always some truth in the best humor... so.... those of us who read and enjoy your blogs are no doubt also going... Hmmm.... (in between bouts of laughter, of course).

As a member of the kinda fucked-up club, I salute you for taking it to glorious literary heights. And damn, don't get too much therapy -- they'll analyze the funny right out of you. Doesn't it suck that fixing our mental problems usually kills the shit that makes us interesting? Life is some tricky, ironic shit.

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: Oh. I knew how that felt a loooong time ago.

Ed: Nothing gets past you, my friend.

Vinny: I know. Hindsight, am I right?

Joshua: YOU HAVE A JOB?!

Sarcasm: Yay!

Jack: Veery observiant!

Flute: I'm sorry... but you had me at your avatar.


Minka: No. I'm not making money. Do you know why? BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT THAT SHIRT UP THERE.

Go. Thanks in advance.

VEG said...

Hey Ben! I did NOT receive my Hard Rock survival kit and I have cried myself to sleep every night since! Did you balk at shipping it to Canada? We need to survive TOO you know. More than most. I mean have you been here in WINTER, Ben?

Sobbing real tears here, Ben.

VEG said...

Also Mooooogykins. You are MENTAL. Which I appreciate as always. :)

Sandra said...

Will you remember the little people when you're rich and famous? I have a vagina...just sayin'...

Ann said...

You are awesome.

Unknown said...

I can see it all now....You on the big screen, me telling my friends, "yeah, I met him at some bar in New Hampshire when he was still and unknown Emcee."

The Onion said...

I dig. I wish someone would ask me some soul searching questions that I could answer in a witty-yet-blithe way. ;-)


Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Hey - once I finish my doctorate I will provide your therapy for free! I promise not to analyze the funny out of you. I love the funny!! You are AWESOME!

Mike said...

If only they paid you for this stuff. They should. I don't know who they are.

It seems that your problem is not knowing who they are, and you should go find them.

Good luck!

A Vapid Blonde said...

Hard. Rock. Semin. Ole!

I see all the subliminal shit going on here. Yes I do.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that you didn't cost your son his job with your answers. What a good Papa you are to take time out of your busy masturbation schedule to help him move up the corporate ladder closer to the teeth he needs to suckle...isn't that whats up there? hmm...I should google that.

badlarry said...

moog said...

Get ready, Ben.

Get ready.

So now that you've got the pre-emptive foreplay out of the way, does this mean that if you ever meet Ben face to face he'd better be ready for the loving?

So. Cal. Gal said...

I bet you got a jump in followership. Probably from mostly hot chicks. I see a lot of hand washing in your future.

Elisa said...

"Or a live viewing of Carrot Top's execution" - That would make me so very happy!

meleah rebeccah said...

Seriously, you should get paid for this. Pure. Comedy. Gold.

Jen said...

I know we've talked about this before..if you want to make some money you have to actually put an ad or two up on the site. I'm sure everyone would give you a pity/mercy click every time they stopped by. Besides, your ads would be really cool based on what you write about. Alternatively you could partner with a sex toy distributor or hand sanitizer manufacturer.

Anonymous said...

...or both.

Pearl said...

I LOLed. I rarely LOL, but this one did it.


Anonymous said...

Ben can't spell. Also, mixes up his to/too and his lewd/lude words.

Peggy Sue Brister said...

I love that shirt. I say that phrase EVERY SINGLE TIME I get in my car and have to drive. My kids are so sick of hearing it they get in the car and just say WE KNOW MOM YOU HATE PEOPLE. If that shirt wasn't see it from space yellow I would buy one. I am not brave enough to pull that bright ass yellow off. If you sold it in white or black I would be all over it.

Love the blog.

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