Twix or Tweets - the wisdom of children edition | Mental Poo

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Twix or Tweets - the wisdom of children edition

Today I present to you some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

There's a skew on this one, though:

These Tweets are all about things my kids say or do.



Daughter: "Is 'Fockers' a bad word?' Me: "No, honey. It's just a name in the movie." Daughter: "Oh. I'm thinking of F-U-C-K."

Son: "Daddy. I just saw an ant. We should probably call a terminator." Me: "I think that may be a little overkill."

Daughter keeps calling me in the bathroom to show me bubbles she's making by blowing through her boobs. And then I killed myself.

My favorite part of church today was when my son started clapping after the first song. We don't go much.

Daughter opening bathroom door: "DID YOU HEAR THOSE BURPS?!" Me: "Um. No." Daughter: "Awwwww." Yep. My little princess.

Just watched my son stand up to wipe his butt. Pretty sure this explains WHY I HAVE ANTS IN MY BATHROOM.

Son: "I've decided to replace some of my silly style with cool." Me: "Um. Good morning?"

At church: Son: "What are we singing?" Me: "I have no idea." Son: "Oh. Okay. I'm just gonna lip-synch it, then."

You know your kids play too much iPod when they think our action against Libya should include launching birds at their pigs.

Son: "Trying to say something clearly when you're burping is like trying to find the perfect wave." MOVE OVER, SOCRATES!

Let's go ahead and add 'put down the chopsticks and go to bed' to the list of things I never thought I'd say until I became a dad

Called my 7-yr old son this morning. Me: "What are you doing at school today?" Son: "Hold on..let me check my agenda." Love that boy.

Son: "You know what would be cool?" Me: "What would be cool?" Son: "If they made bras for men." Me: *blank stare*

Got in a fight with my daughter because she wouldn't stop talking in a British accent. Please tell me other people go through this shit.

My son is making up words to the Charlie Brown song. So far he has, "Abraham Lincoln knows how to fly..." That kid is GENIUS.

Playing charades with my kids. My son has guessed: Yeti, Dead Yeti, UFO, Dead UFO and Cheese. I was a banana. I love charades.

Me: "Do you know what P.O.V means?" Daughter: "Point of view." Son: "No. It means 'Private Opening.'" And then I died laughing.

Son: "Hail Mary, full of grace..forgive us our me, too, because I forget the rest of this song."

My son is behind me right now saying "Body parts, body parts..blood." I don't know why, and I'm not turning around to find out.

My 10 year old just asked me to check if her bra straps were tangled. And then I killed myself.


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Ed said...

Kids say the most bizaar, and yet hilarious, things.

They totally make being a parent fun. If not for my kids, there's noway I'd be a dad.

Yeah, figure that out.

Dorn said...

List made my morning. Sad little life I lead huh? Thanks for the laughs!

Knight said...

I laughed out loud several times and now my coworkers know something is wrong with me because spending reports aren't that funny.

So, how does she blow bubbles through her boobs?

Vinny C said...

They're becoming experts at creating the perfect combination of "WTF?" & hilarious. You have trained them well.

Pat said...

Geez. And I have to come up with humor all on my own. No fair.

Unknown said...

It's like you were born tobe a single dad, what with all the burping and poop. Also, can your daughter teach me how to motorboat myself? Because that's awesome.

If I Were God... said...

I think you owe us a video of the boob bubbles thing. Actually, my phone takes great video -I can be there in 10 minutes.

VEG said...


The Wannabe Housewife said...

Your children totally make me want to have my own.

badlarry said...

"Got in a fight with my daughter because she wouldn't stop talking in a British accent. Please tell me other people go through this shit."

I have a niece who saw an old Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs imitated a gangster character in it. She talked like that for a week.

Even in school, and while visiting my sister-in-law's parents.

I shit you not.

Unknown said...

Kids are brilliant! Love these tweets!

Moooooog35 said...

Ed: Every day is like Mad Libs but with actual sentences.

Dorn: Not everyone's life can be as exciting as mine. OOOH! The View is on!

Knight: I will need to give you a tutorial..kind of, like, I show you then let you try.

Vinny: Like they could come out ANY other way.

Pat: I know. Sometimes this stuff just manifests itself.

Sarah: She's too young but I'm available for tutorials.

Momma: Pretty sure BOTH those things happened during his Communion mass which was the first and last time I'd been in a church in, like, 20 years.

If: Dude. I'm hoping you're talking about ME doing it..otherwise I'm calling the cops.

Veggie: Ah...the 'Bro'/'Manziere.'

Wannabe: Mine are free to a good home.

Badlarry: OMG THAT IS AMAZING. Now I must try it.

Eva: They are a certain special, that's for sure.

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

In the Adam Sandler movie "Just Go With It," the daughter does the British accent thing, so apparently you're not alone. Though I'm not sure discovering your kid is similar to anything in Hollywood is comforting. Maybe if you talked like The Godfather the whole time she did it she'd stop?

notactuallygod said...

what makes you think I'm not a cop?
-in my squad car right now
-outside your house

okay, I'm not really a cop.

ClevelandPoet said...

these make want kids and not want kids at the same time.

luckily I have two young nephews to entertain me with funny comments.

meleah rebeccah said...

"My 10 year old just asked me to check if her bra straps were tangled. And then I killed myself."

And that's why I'm glad I only have a son! I could never handle a daughter!

Kara said...

There are many days I stare into the mirror and wonder how what I'm looking at produced the things I'm listening to.

So enjoyed your children's tweets.

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