Conversations with the Wife - Part 1

One of my most popular blog bits is my 'conversations with the girlfriend' posts.

Well, as of November something (ducks out of the way of flying pan), said girlfriend is now the wife.

Please send money. I accept PayPal.

BUT, the conversations - luckily - haven't stopped.

Enjoy.

If you want more of these, you can find them in my new book, "Perhaps I've Said Too Much" - available here.

You knew there had to be a hook, didn't you?

Obviously.

Shower Struggles

If you read my last post about my fiancee moving into the house with her 2 kids, then you know that, well..

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

Today's topic:

Hygiene

1) Showering

My one bottle of Axe Body Wash has been supplemented with 15 bottles of conditioner, shampoos, kids shampoo and no less than 43 face cloths.

Not only does the shower now smell like a fruit stand, but I'm sure I will be raided by the Center for Disease Control shortly for whatever is growing in the face cloths.

I'm not quite clear on the need for 5 facecloths is, but there must be one because it would be otherwise silly to have SO MUCH TERRYCLOTH in one place, right?

RIGHT?!

The problem with having so much stuff in the confined space of a shower is a matter of confinement. Now, a typical episode of showering consists of this:

- turn on shower
- get into shower
- reach for body wash
- Kiwi shampoo falls on floor
- bend over to pick up Kiwi shampoo
- put shampoo back on shelf
- red facecloth falls on floor
- grab red face cloth
- put red face cloth back
- red face cloth nicks blue facecloth as you're putting it back
- blue face cloth falls on floor
- soap bar slides over and knocks watermelon kids shampoo on floor
- pick up watermelon shampoo and facecloth
- while standing up, soap bar slides off
- soap bar lands on foot
- yell 'ouch' and reflexively knock every face cloth onto the floor
- drop everything, exit shower, stay filthy for 3 days

2) I have discovered that females shed at an alarming rate.

I discover this every day when I take a shower and realize I'm standing in 3 inches of water.

This requires me to reach down and remove what appears to be either one of the Tribbles from Star Trek or the stand-in for Cousin It from the Addams Family.

This is immediately followed by 15 minutes of gagging.

Granted, I am losing my hair at an alarming rate but I have so little of it now that any time some of mine falls out there is a small ceremony and private burial.

3) My razors went missing.

One day I went to shave while in the shower (2 birds, one stone) and realized that my razor had been tossed out. It had been replaced by a 5-blade contraption with a lubricating strip so wide that a plane could land on it.

I don't know how people actually shave with these things but it became painfully clear to me that I could not fit the razor under my nose with the giant lube strip so for a week - until I could get a new razor - it totally looked like I was trying to bring the Hitler look back into style.

I wonder if Eva Braun had this much shit.

My house is uber fluffy now.

When we last talked about my divorce status, I was living alone with part-time kids and part-time sex. 

I had my kids 3 or 4 nights a week, and saw my fiancee (who lived 3- minutes away) once or twice a week. The other 2 or 3 nights and days were spent alone.

My alone time was basically comprised of walking around my house naked, eating oreos and playing XBox. Sometimes I did all 3 at once. Sometimes I only did 2 of them at one time. 

Related: oreos crumbs are hard to get out of your pubic region.

Then my fiancee moved in with her 2 kids. 

Things have since changed. 

Today's topic:

Furniture:

1) I now own slip-covers. 

I had no idea we needed slip covers or - honestly - what slip covers were actually for.

All I know now is that every other day I have to fix my furniture because it's wrinkly. So, basically, I am now the owner of wrinkly adjustable couches and chairs.

Yelling things like, "OH MY GOD WILL YOU SIT ON THE CHAIR THE RIGHT WAY?!? You're pulling out the slip cover!" is commonplace. Also, I am beginning to enjoy sitting on the floor in order to avoid having to tuck slip covers back into place every 3 minutes because SO MANY WRINKLES.

It's like sitting on Jessica Tandy.

2) Pillows

Seriously.

Our bed has no less than 14 pillows on it.

Big pillows.

Little pillows.

Throw pillows.

LONG TUBULAR PILLOWS.

I don't even know what those big tube pillow things are for. Like..lumbar support? To use as columns for pillow forts? I have no fucking idea.

It now takes me 15 minutes to clear pillows off before I can climb into bed. I usually have to carb-load the night before so I have enough energy to get rid of all the goddamn pillows.

On the bright side, there are no slip covers on the bed so at least I get to sleep on it. Until my fiancee starts snoring. Then I'm out on the couch. The wrinkly, wrinkly couch.

Sonofabitch.

Nutritious Death

I stood in the kitchen, staring at the ceiling...mouth agape.

What the...?

The normally white ceiling was speckled with dots. Some larger than others. Some darker than others.

"Oh no."

MOLD.

My adult ADD mind began racing.

I would have to call mold inspectors. The entire house would have to be checked.

I would have to call a remediation service and have the mold removed and the areas treated.

If it was as bad as it looked, I might even have to relocate the family for a bit while it was being treated.

"I don't have this kind of money," I thought to myself.

I climbed up on the counter to take a closer look. The area was about a foot square in total, but there was SO MUCH of the red, blue and purple chunky mold that..

WAIT A MINUTE.

Red? Blue?

Purple?

CHUNKY?!

It was then that I looked down and noticed that the spot was directly over the base of our blender.

The same blender where my fiancee makes her fruit smoothies every morning.

I also vaguely remember being in the bathroom and hearing her scream at her children, "YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COVER ON!!"

Ah.

That makes more sense.

Now I'll just have to pay for pest control to get rid of these ants that were attracted to the 10 pounds of fruit splattered about the kitchen, instead.

Awesome.

The Girlfriend Chronicles - I love you as much as a Korean import

After the success of my previous "Girlfriend Chronicles," posts, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

And you should probably send Kerri a sympathy card or something after reading these.

She puts up with a LOT.

Enjoy!

*****************

Seriously.

I can only afford to love you to Korea.

I think that's in a Van Halen song.

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

The Girlfriend Chronicles and the happy colon therapy session

My girlfriend, Kerri, sent me this email out of the blue for a Groupon she received:

Ummm....

My reply:

Seriously.

I don't remember ever looking that giddy about something.

My appointment is next Wednesday.

The Girlfriend Chronicles goes Cinco de WTF-O

After the success of my previous "Girlfriend Chronicles," posts, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

And you should probably send Kerri a sympathy card or something after reading these.

She puts up with a LOT.

Enjoy!

*****************

..and then on Facebook everyone corrected me because it's called a 'tilde' not a 'tilda' and guess who has two thumbs and really doesn't give a shit?

Then..

For some reason Kerri plays all these games on Facebook (or, as she says, her "son plays them" (rolls eyes)) and then all these game achievements get posted on her page so it's not uncommon to see shit like this:

Reach for the stars, baby.

Reach for the stars.

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

I'm so romantic it makes me want to plagiarize shit

Today is October 17th which represents the 2-year anniversary of when my girlfriend, Kerri, and I met on Match.com which is a story in itself and involves Susan Boyle.

True story.

Regardless, to show how much Kerri means to me I sometimes go crazy romantic and post shit on her Facebook page.

Like this.

Happy dating anniversary, honey.

Love,

Steve Perry

The Girlfriend Chronicles - Take 4

After the success of my previous "Girlfriend Chronicles," posts, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

And you should probably send Kerri a sympathy card or something after reading these.

She puts up with a LOT.

Enjoy!

*****************











...and then Kerri turned 40!!

Gah.





To preface this last one, be advised that Kerri has a 3-year old daughter nicknamed "Ash" but not because she's on fire. We put that out before it got to that point.

PHEW.


Truer words? Never spoken.

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.

The Vacation Tweets that Never Were and Could Never Be Until I Got Back and Wrote This. I WIN.

After almost 2 years of dating, my girlfriend, Kerri, and I finally got a weekend away all to ourselves without children or work or any stresses of life other than me figuring out if I was going to go over my credit card limit paying for the effing thing.

Regardless, I was very excited to spend 2 nights in the White Mountains of New Hampshire...

..until...

Kerri: "Hey. How about we not do Facebook or Twitter all weekend."

*face goes pale

Ugh. FINE.

So I didn't get on Facebook but I DID manage to sneak in 3 Tweets on Twitter (which were automatically posted to Facebook so I totally broke the deal, like, 30 seconds into it):



That said, I present to you some Tweets that WOULD have been made had I not agreed to the deal in the first place.

THE COMMUTE






The latter one really pisses me off because you see 'MOOSE CROSSING' signs EVERYWHERE and no effing moose. None. I saw a turkey with turkey babies, though. I guess maybe that counts.

THE HOTEL









THE MASSAGE

The hotel we stayed in had a spa. As a nice little touch, I booked Kerri and I a 'couples massage' for the night we arrived. Please note that I had never had a massage before. And probably won't ever again. They touch your feet. Gross.







SIGHTSEEING











Then we headed home and I picked up my kids who began annoying the shit out of me withing the first 3 minutes and I was wishing I was back up north checking out the sights and fake-pushing Kerri off of steep cliffs and continuing my search for mythical moose.

Come to think of it, maybe that's what was in the room upstairs thumping around.

Gordon Ramsey should look into that.

The Girlfriend Chronicles - take 3

After the success of the first "Girlfriend Chronicles," and then the second one, I figured I'd share some more excerpts with you guys of some chat conversations between my girlfriend and I.

It's okay to be jealous.

This, though, is kind of special because Kerri will be celebrating her 40th birthday on Friday, which means I am now on the prowl for something younger.

Just kidding, babe.*

*not kidding **

** Honey if you're still reading this I am TOTALLY kidding

Enjoy!

*****************
In this first one, I had sent out an invite on Facebook to the party I was throwing for her but since she was now going to be elderly I wanted to make it something special and thus called it her '40th Birthday EXTRAVAGANZA.'

The problem is that I had no ideas on how to make it an extravaganza other than to get everyone completely shitfaced.












Ah. Sometimes she gives as she gets.

*wink

So, to all you single ladies out there, remember:

Sure, you may die alone. But it could be worse.

You could be MY girlfriend.