Enabling my Twitter fetish, one book at a time

Well, today is the day that "The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets" goes on sale!

You can get your copy right here.

I managed to squeeze my way into the book by making some Tweets that were somehow deemed worthy of publicizing to more than my 5 followers on Twitter.

Like this one:

That said, you'll also find a shit-ton of other really funny people making their own Tweets about parenthood and why you'd probably be best to avoid becoming a parent if you're not one already.

Go get it.

Also, I already got paid for my input so I get no future royalties by asking you to buy the book. It's THAT funny.

I may need to restructure my contract for the next one.

And then there was this cameo...

Just going to pimp out a few of my friends over at The Science of Parenthood today.

They have a new book coming out THIS FRIDAY, April 17th, 2015:

I can tell you that, yes, I have read the book and, yes, it is hilarious.

However when I say I've 'read' it I mean 'I've read my Tweets in it' because I am one of the contributors to the book!

WOOT.

Honestly, the book is pretty awesome and hysterical. There are a TON of awesome comedians in it who have plenty to Tweet about in regards to parenting. Even if you're not a parent, you'll find this book seriously fucking hysterical. It's really pretty awesome.

I'll update the post with the link when it's available. In the meantime, go find Science of Parenthood here:

The Science of Parenthood web site

Twitter

Facebook

Tell them I sent you and you will receive absolutely no special treatment.

This is what I get for not asking them for star treatment.

Why Corporate America should stop responding to my Tweets

Couple of conversations from my Twitter account.

First, a little back-and-forth with Wendys:

 

Then...

If you've ever seen the "Cinnamon Toast Crunch" commercials where the cereal comes alive and then they, like, EAT EACH OTHER...you'll know of what I speak.

So disturbing.

Oddly, neither responded after that.

So much for customer service.

This is why my portfolio sucks.

I was on Twitter when I noticed that my 'suggestions' on who to follow included Scottrade, the online brokers.

The following exchange followed:

It's been a few days now and I still haven't heard from Scott.

Like I'm going to invest my $35 with THOSE guys. Right.

Some more dirty conversations - you may never look at 'stocking stuffers' quite the same again

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My next Tweet - Kardashians and Taylor Swift and dog poop, OH MY!

I haven't done this for a while and was in my second day back at work after almost 3 weeks of vacation so I figured I was due to eff off for a bit.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that my Tweets are kind of a mess, but this link right here will take your Tweets, mix them up, and come up with suggestions for your next one.

Results may vary.

Here are some of the ones they came up with for me. Admittedly, most of them sound like they're being delivered by Yoda, but whatever.

Enjoy:

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Months from now we will learn that, yes, there is a back man trapped in Kim Kardashian's ultrasound.

You heard it here first.

My deli cheese can be such an asshole.

At least my blanket has manners.

Wife burning. Baby Jesus. Snow blowing.

What's the question here?

OH MY GOD, GABRIELLE, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP PISSING OFF YOUR BLONDE?!

I think we already know that Taylor Swift only loves for dramatic effect.

See? You can't put ANYTHING past those assholes driving Land Rovers.

This one doesn't make sense to me.

Why would I move when I have my preferred porn on my lawn RIGHT HERE?!

Head shaker, that one.

All I know is that, yes, if it's crossable, there's going to be much discomfort.

Ah. Words to live by:

Never forget balls.

Never forget balls.
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