Motivational Filler - Panic

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Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


Great.

There go my African American readers.

(no one leaves)

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.

Labor Pains

Off today.

Here in the United States today is 'Labor Day.'

As such, I have no post today...

...as I'll be taking a well-deserved day off from all of the hard work I do and ha hahahahahahahaha!!

Oh.

Oh man.

Almost got through that without laughing.

THAT was hard work.

Good one.

Regardless, to celebrate my fucking laziness...I'm doing something today that I very rarely do.

Masturbate.

HA! Just seeing if you were paying attention.

Seriously...if I masturbate any more, I'll need a prosthetic.

No.

Today, I'm posting a touching, heartfelt story that my buddy Jim sent me via email.

In the spirit of the holiday, I think it's appropriate.

Enjoy.

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This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later...

Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs...

...and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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Awesome.

Happy Labor Day, everyone.

Later folks.

See ya tomorrow.

Bill Gets Me Wet

Please bear with me, as I'm still a little...

..well..

OVERWHELMED.

You see, recently...

I met Bill.

Oh.

Oh, Bill.

Honestly, I didn't think a long distance relationship would ever work between us.

Bill, you see, is from the Caribbean.

But he made his way up north, and when I finally decided to go see him, he was a mere 279 miles away.

Seems far...but...

But...

Bill intrigued me.

So I made the trip.

And..

We met.

I was impressed.


And that's when Bill made his move on me.

At first Bill was...

Gentle.

As he started in low, near my ankles, I thought:

"I can do this...I'm a grown man...I shouldn't...I shouldn't be afraid..."

But as Bill continued to tease my toes and feet...

I could tell that the pace was going to quicken shortly.

And...sure enough, a mere second or so later...

Bill was already at my knees.

Waves of excitement lapped at me.

I realized then...

Oh..OH GOD.

My shorts were soaked.


Still taken aback by the speed of all of this...

..I let him continue.

And that's about the time my kids started screaming.

"HELP!! DADDY!! AAAAHHHH!!"

Because we were basically being washed out to fucking sea.

Hurricane Bill.

Why?

What were you thinking?

Dude. Seriously.

I'm totally into the vagina.

Well..not INTO it...

...it's not the third Saturday of the month yet.

Stupid rules.


Hurricane Bill had stationed itself about 270 miles off the coast of New England recently, and we decided to take the kids to see the waves.

Mistake.

You see...we heard that the beaches were only allowing people to go into the surf up to their ankles.

So we went up to our ankles.

Keep in mind that 'ankle height' on a normal person is roughly 'thigh high' when you're barely over five feet tall.

I'm awesome.

So...we went in only ankle deep.

Which was fine...

Until the fucking tsunami came.

('tsunami' is pronounced: BIG FUCKING WAVE)

Without warning, and my kids on each arm...

...a wave about 12 feet high crashed offshore...

...ultimately sending a wall of water over 3 feet high onto the beach.

My son is, like, 3-foot 6.

Honestly, I'm not much bigger.


The water crashed into us and pushed us back...trying to rip my kids from my arms.

I have never felt anything like it.

EVER.

Luckily, I am really jacked and strong and built like a tiny Terminator but the one where he's still all covered in skin and muscle and not just the metal parts showing because that would be fucking freaky so I was able to hold both kids up and out of the water as their arms wrapped around mine.

That's right.

I'm THAT awesome.


It's at this point, though, that the fucking wave hits the seawall behind us.

Actually..it hit in front of us...

Because at this point I've turned around and am trying to run back to dry land holding my two kids while screaming like a little girl.

Feel free to scratch that 'awesome' comment above.

The wave RETURNING to the sea was actually HIGHER than the one that washed in.

Fuck all that is fuckable. This is gonna suck ass.

Luckily, I was able to use my heat vision and evaporate all the water.

Wait..wait...nevermind. That's Superman.

Eh...same thing, really.

(yep...back to awesome)


With my kids still screaming and clinging to me, we managed to get back to shore.

My kids were drenched.

I was drenched.

My wife - who was actually ON dry land - was wet.

(..takes a fucking hurricane for that to happen...go figure..)

Yay.

This sure is comfy!

And I picked a great day to wear dark underwear with beige shorts.

Having cheated certain death by water, we headed home.

Bill turned out to be a prick.

Guy blows into town...

Gets me all wet, then just...just...

LEAVES.

Jerk.

Oh well...

I see tropical storm Erika is up next.

That bitch is mine.

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Sidebar:

On a more serious note, a few miles north of where we were, 20 people were washed into the Atlantic by a similar "rogue wave" of Hurricane Bill.

Sadly, one of these people - a 7 year old girl - died.

This post is NOT to make light of that tragedy.

Any my sincere condolences to the family of that little girl.

Moog out.

Headline: "Apple Falls From Tree, Stays Close By"

Before I start today...

LiLu and I finally tag-teamed and are doing a guest post over on Maxie's blog for 'Would You Rather...?' Wednesday.

No genitalia was harmed in the making of that post.

Unfortunately.

ONWARD!!

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Yep, he's mine alright.

My six year old son, Cam.

Although I've had my suspicions that he may be the spawn of the UPS guy...

(seriously...when your six year old puts your own schlong to shame, you gotta be a little suspicious)

...I now know he's mine for sure.

The Scene: Chuck E. Cheese

Motivation: Waiting to play the 'Deal or No Deal' game

On a related note:

My weekends fucking suck.

My daughter had sleepovers and playdates and all kinds of shit going on over the weekend, so my son was feeling a bit left out.

Me: "Hey. The UPS guy is here. I didn't know they delivered on Sunday."

Wife: "Um....HEY! Why don't you take Cam to Chuck E. Cheese?"

Fine.

I took my son to Chuck E. Cheese.

Not sure why she made me take the phone off the hook, though. But whatever.


Before I left though, my wife looked at my son and said:

Wife: "Play a game of 'Deal or No Deal' for me!"

Deal or No Deal.

There's a game in Chuck E. Cheese where you do the whole 'pick a briefcase' thing in an attempt to win tickets so you can buy shit at the counter that you'll throw out in a week anyway.

I suck at investing.


However, during our entire time there, the Deal or No Deal game was being played by other people.

This upset my son who now had something to do specifically for his mom.

So instead we went on a simulator ride right next to the Deal or No Deal game and waited for the people to get the fuck off it.

Ladies:

If you're ever looking for a cheap orgasm, go to Chuck E. Cheese and ride the friggin' Mad Wave Motion Theater.

It only costs a quarter.

The last time I got an orgasm this cheap, I also got a really bad case of genital warts and a black eye from the monkey.

I've digressed.


On the quick orgasm front, I recommend the "Arctic Run" simulation for this goal.

Jesus H. Christ.

I thought my fucking teeth were going to fall out.

That thing vibrated so violently that I believe it shook a little bit of poo out of me.

Me: (to next rider): "You might want to spray some Lysol on that first."

So, as I'm violently shaking for twenty minutes like Portia De Rossi and Ellen Degeneres at a vibrator festival...

...we keep checking to see who's on the Deal or No Deal game.

Great.

Fat fucking bald guy.


My son is getting frustrated.

Son: "Oh, man."

Me: "B-b-b-b-e p-p-p-p-patient...it will c-c-c-c-clear up."

Son: "Okay, okay. Let's ride this again!"

Me: "Oh No! Here c-c-c-comes K-K-K-Kennny...to... k-k-k-kill me!"

Kevin Kline is genius.

After three more rides...

(Oh! Look! My molar fell out!)

...my son looks over again at the Deal or No Deal game.

An old woman is now playing it.

Dammit.

Here's where I know he's my kid.

Because he looks up and also sees the old lady.

Now he's really aggravated.

Pissed off, he looks at me and says:

"Oh, GREAT. Now grandma's playing it."

Fucking. Awesome.

Seeing as she's only two feet away, she looks over all pissed.

I'm laughing.

Yep.

My kid.

I tried to call my wife to tell her but the phone was still off the damn hook.

Weird.

Motivational Filler - Soulmates

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Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


So...

Touching.

(points at crotch)

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.