No Sooner a Nooner than an Afternooner is a Goner | Mental Poo

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No Sooner a Nooner than an Afternooner is a Goner


Hold on one second.

I'm admiring this title.

Sometimes I'm brilliant.


On a related note:

This is not one of those times.

This post falls under the category of another 'My Wife - She Taunts Me' article.

For other versions of this, feel free to click here and here.

Don't worry..this one doesn't have Rachael Ray in it.

Thank God.


My wife, being a teacher, had a few days over the summer where she was alone.

Alone at home.

Alone at home without the kids.

* boing

You see where I'm going with this, right?

If so, let me know...the whole 'Rachael Ray' thing made my brain throw up.

I mean, hot...kinda...but she opens her mouth and all you want to do is punch her in the throat.

So where was I?

Oh yeah.

Nooners.


So, obviously, with me being a guy and having a penis and thinking about sex every seven seconds and OMG OMG I love Scarlett Johansson's boobs and the hot redhead on the first floor wore a skirt today with hooker boots and great now I have to go masturbate.

(20 seconds later)

Okay..so with my wife being home alone, and a mere 7 miles away from my work...

I figured I'd shoot her up for a 'nooner.'

Afternoon Delight, if you will.

..or..in my case...

Ten Seconds to Love.

I'm pathetic.


So, the first day my wife was home...I sent this email:

******************

To: Mrs. Moog
From: Mr. Moog

Nooner?

******************

That's it.

Just a simple 'nooner?' request.

Then I sent it.

About 5 minutes later I get a phone call from her.

I figure she's taking me up on this.

Me: "Heeeeeey."

(I'm Fonzie)

Me: "You ready for your nooner?"

Wife: "Ugh. REALLY? I get ONE day all to myself. Just leave me alone."

Um...

I'm guessing that's a 'not today, my love.'


In her defense, I really really suck.

But a week or so later...

BAM!

Another nooner opportunity arises!

Wife home..no kids.

Let's give this another shot.

The email goes out (I save them in 'Drafts' for just such emergencies):

******************

To:
Mrs. Moog
From: Mr. Moog

Nooner?

******************

And I wait.

5 minutes later...

No phone call.

1/2 hour later...

No phone call.

No return email, either.

Nothing.

She just...

IGNORED ME.

Jesus H. Christ.

WTF.

If Seinfeld had a Nooner Nazi I'd be the guy in line saying 'Oh..oh...that nooner looks good...can I have that with a BJ, too? Oh..wait...maybe we'll just skip the foreplay since I'm on lunch break..' and he'd be all stern and angry and slamming his nooner spatulas and screaming "NO NOONER FOR YOU!!"


0-for-2.

So, the last time my wife was home alone for the summer without kids, I didn't even bother.

I didn't even mention it.

But she did.

I get home and get...

THIS:

Wife: "I was going to email you today to see if you wanted a nooner."

* blink

Me: "REALLY?!"

Wife: "Then I realized that it was 12:15 so it was already too late."

Then she laughed.

I laughed, too.

She's really pretty funny.

But yeah...my wife...

She taunts me.

29 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

Maybe Mrs. Moog doesn't like to hurry with her sex trying to squeeze in all that bliss in just an hour

adrienzgirl said...

Yeah, so me and the hubs have the same double standard here. He lacks any romantical expressions whatsoever, I get "wanna play hide the sausage?" or "i'd like to make a deposit to the sperm bank, please."

Gotta give it to him, at least I get a please, BUT I typically decline. I am moved by those sweet propositions, but a girl's got to have some standards.

So, being that I have standards, they are typically double. So I often just blurt out "wanna bump uglies?" or some such other romantical phrase. AND, I expect a prompt performance....and I usually get a "WTF?" after the deed.

:D Happy Monday!

Travis said...

That camera guy picture made me laugh.

The thing is, I'm just about positive I'd beat you off the line.

I will bust a nut putting on a heavily lubed condom.

I keep it real.

Maybe I shouldn't.

Becky..AMHW said...

This is in no way any commentary on this post or you or your wife or really have anything to do with your side of the computer screen whatsoever but...

I could use a nnnnooon...nap.

Shawna said...

Ur wife is HILARIOUS!! I love her!! :D

MommaKiss said...

I love the laughing. Gotta say, tho - I'm with her on this (sorry) - if I get a day to myself, I want to be by myself! And perhaps a small battery operated object, but yeah - ALONE. You lose.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: An hour?

She'd have a full 55 minutes left afterwards to do whatever she wanted.

I'm not a machine, woman.

Adrienz: He's awake after?

Weird.

Travis: Thanks for that visual, Travis.

And by 'thanks' I mean 'notsomuch.'

Becky: I could use a nap too. Move over.

Shawna: You have no idea.

Momma: What is WITH you women?

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

HA...12:15...she's my kinda woman.

Mrsblogalot said...

This was so damn funny I almost didn't catch the "coupling" unicorns up on top.

Your wife is definitely one funny one!

Elly Lou said...

As far as the domestic goddesses go, you really don't pick Rachel? I never pegged you as a Ina Garten kinda guy...

Sarah P said...

Even I like Scarlett Johansson's boobs. I mean, Ah-OOOOOOO-ga! Right? Ga-ZOW.

Kellie said...

You'd think she'd be more open to the idea and all since you're such a quick draw McGraw. I mean, all she'd have to do is give you 2 minutes and then the rest of the day is hers to enjoy.

Jay Ferris said...

All these years my wife has been telling me that a nooner is when I come and she fixes me lunch. And even then I can't get that from her.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

Your wife is obviously the brilliant one in the family.....

Alex said...

Your wife rocks. Way to screw with a guys head.

Eva Gallant said...

gotta love your wife! lol

I wrote a post about a nooner:

http://wrestlingretirement.blogspot.com/2009/08/time-for-nooner.html

check it out.

Don said...

Make a date with her and slip her a roofie in her drink and then date rape her. Even your wife deserves to remember how it used to be when y'all went out together. Precious memories and shit.

Malach the Merciless said...

You got life insurance? I do, I hold it over my wife's head.

Daffy said...

I got no standards...we used to do nooners...three oclockers...eleven amers....then we got married.

WTF?

I'm still hot and I'm still waaay younger than he is. I'd still like a nooner. I told him I'd pretend to be his girlfriend - he rolled his eyes.

FML

You are not alone

Jen said...

I came home early one day while the now ex was laid off. I was trying to cheer him up and all so I said as I entered the house "Hey babe why don't you take off your pants and give me something to suck on" or something like that. Had he not been talking to his mother at that moment I might have gotten lucky.

meleah rebeccah said...

Seriously, your wife IS awesome! And funny.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Why does that bubble in your illustration say, "Me Wanting Set?" Do you mean an erector set? That must be what you mean. All men want an erector set.

Moooooog35 said...

Lee: She's every woman's woman.

Mrsblogalot: Yes. It's constant funny around here.

Constant funny.

Elly: She is in my list of top 10 people I'd off if I could. Yes, I have a list. Watch your step around here.

Sarah: I KNOW, RIGHT?

Epic.

Kellie: I know..I mean, really...it takes longer to actually walk up the stairs to the bedroom for chrissakes.

I'm awesome.

Jay: Really? I get lunch from her all the time. Interesting.

Princess: OOh...big reach there.

Alex: It's what women do best.

Eva: Always gotta play the trump card, don't ya?

Don: What went wrong in your childhood? Just curious.

Malach: GENIUS!

Now..to go get life insurance!

Daffy: Your husband is gay, fyi.

No man turns that down. NO. MAN.

Jen: Was he carrying a lollipop in his pocket? I don't get it.

Ohhhhhhhh.

Meleah: I'll pass that on. No I won't.

MikeWJ: I can see how that looks like 'set' if, you know, you're an idiot.

Thanks for pointing it out!

Brutalism said...

So wait a minute, Mrs. Moog did not swoon over the can't-miss combo of the "Nooner?" e-mail and the Fonzie greeting? Is she dead inside?

Ann's Rants said...

That analogy is just about perfect.

JenJen said...

What want to know is: how did she get both you and the kids out of the house at the same time???
My idol.
Oh? I'm with MK. Batteries.

Tizroc said...

Sometimes I wonder if my wife has been secretly taking some crazy herbal supplement. I mean I cannot get a second to myself, and haven't slept in days! I am not allowed to go anywhere without supervision. The car, the bedroom... while the kids are at school... while the kids play on the Wii.. No time or place is sacred to this woman. She removed the lock from the bedroom and replaced with with a key only deadbolt. Only she has the key. Oh lord save me... just.. you know not any time soon.. K?

mepsipax said...

Damn, that was fucked up. However, I don't want to hear it. My gf lives an hour and a half away.... and she is about to move many states away. I am about to look like popeye yo.

Vodka Logic said...

I love your wife..

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