Twix or Tweets - Vicodin Edition | Mental Poo

Friday, March 26, 2010

Twix or Tweets - Vicodin Edition

Pain and Suffering.


The latest rage for asshole lazy bloggers is to self-promote themselves by reposting some of their own Twitter Tweets as blog posts.

I am now stooping to this level.

Actually, I'm 5'-2" tall.

No stooping required. Already there.


Below are some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.

There's a skew on this one, though:

In the beginning of March, I had a herniated disc which caused sciatica and then I couldn't bend my legs or even f'ing POOP for the Love of God without screaming (no different than usual - I eat big) and it was Hell.

Then I had surgery to remove the herniated disc and my doctor prescribed Vicodin.

Vicodin's Marketing Slogan:

Vicodin: Blue butterflies are pretty and my shoe is a yellow bliss potato! I'm so wasted.

These are my Tweets that were shot out of my brain while on Vicodin.

If you were the unfortunate recipient of these TO YOUR PHONE, please move along and again...

I'M SO, SO Sorry.

(check the timestamps on each Tweet)


JUST came home from my herniated disc surgery and boy is my L5 vertebrae tired! God, that was stupid. I blame the pain meds.
3:56 PM Mar 6th via web

Surgeon wrote a big 'R' on my ass cheek. He said it was for 'right' which should have bothered me since you learn that shit in kindergarten.
3:58 PM Mar 6th via web

I'm thinking that big 'R' written on my ass will help the general population remember my name instead of calling me 'bitch' all the time.

3:59 PM Mar 6th via web

I love pain meds but it's causing me to write Tweets uncontrollably. And by 'uncontrollably' I mean 'controlled but really really dumb.'

4:01 PM Mar 6th via web

Before these meds wear off I have to document the idea I had for an invention that lets people with sciatica to poo while hanging in the air
4:08 PM Mar 6th via web'death penalty' hanging...FYI. I think you pretty much poop when that happens automatically.
4:08 PM Mar 6th via web

Not sure how you wipe while dangling, though. Maybe this hanging poop contraption is just the drugs talking. HAHA. Kidding. IT'S GENIUS!

4:09 PM Mar 6th via web

The hospital I was in had ROOM SERVICE. That's right. Now you can get food that tastes like Oprah's taint after a marathon ON DEMAND.

4:19 PM Mar 6th via web

Doctor asked if I had any questions for him. I did. Sadly, he did not know the 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck' answer, either.
4:39 PM Mar 6th via web

My Vicodin has worn off. My apologies for my last 267 Tweets. Oh..look. It's time for another dose. BUCKLE UP, PEOPLE!!
7:08 PM Mar 6th via web

You think they'd put hot sauce on a Hawaiian pizza so you get all the authenticity of a volcanic eruption on it's way out.
7:16 PM Mar 6th via web

My throat is killing me from that thing they shove down it during surgery. But you know, I never hear Jenna Jameson complain.
7:32 PM Mar 6th via web

Going to "Alice in Wonderland." I'm on painkillers so I predict MUCH TERROR...and not just from looking at Helena Bonham Carter.
7:55 AM Mar 7th via web

After surgery my doctor told me not to handle anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Great. NOW how am I supposed to masturbate?
9:29 AM Mar 7th


If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.



Salt said...

"I love pain meds but it's causing me to write Tweets uncontrollably. And by 'uncontrollably' I mean 'controlled but really really dumb.' "

It was at this point where I had to go follow you on Twitter. The rest was just a huge bonus.

Let us know how the patent process goes for you poop contraption!

Salt said...

And that was supposed to be "your" poop contraption. I didn't even take any drugs today.

Captain Dumbass said...

I think Vicodin could actually help a lot of people on Twitter.

GunDiva said...

I was just thinking that your sentence structure and punctuation while on Vicodin is much better than many of my college students who are (supposedly) un-medicated.

Vicodin is funny :)

Kernut said...

You have the funniest tweets! Sorry to laugh at your pain.

I think the "R" was so they could remember who you were. My friend almost had his kidney removed when he was just there for knee surgery. Gotta love Kaiser. Or not.

'Alice in Wonderland' while on drugs - an event that must have been worthy of a post. Did I miss it? I had to give up drugs and such, so I can only live vicariously now through those who have drugs and a blog.

life in the mom lane said...

Been there- done that with the whole herniated disc, sciatica & the resulting surgery (10 yrs ago)- so I feel your pain- I hope you're feeling better. Vicodin is great stuff...everyone should be on it.

I just found your blog through Mrs. Blogalot and have been reading back through your posts- you are freaking hysterical- I had tears rolling down my face last night reading...I am now a devoted follower! =) said...

Those tweets were almost as funny the second time around. Big question, though... did they give you a lifetime supply of Vicodin?

MrsBlogAlot said...

HaHaHaHa!!!!!!!!I am seeing blury right now from the 'how much wood could a.....' Laughing and crying so much at work is really not going to be good for my 'you shouldn't fire me because' speech!

Buggys said...

I too had a Vicodin excursion recently. It was a lovely cruise and I will definately go again if given the chance.

kathcom said...

I'm going to spend the rest of the day picturing junk that weighs more than a gallon of milk. Thanks, moooooog!

Momma Fargo said...

And I just said at work I was tired of their stupid I just pooped, but I forgot I ate corn. Now I find you have also stooped or not stooped to that level. At least you didn't tell us what it looked like. I am sure you are saving that for another episode, hopefully without pics. LOL.

Unknown said...

Belly laugh funny, as usual. But I am curious how you happen to be familiar with the taste of Oprah's taint?

Ziva said...

More than a gallon, huh? Interesting...

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh, writing while stoned.....akin to drinking and driving or drunk dialing!!!

My bfff and I got high as kites and decided to make to do lists once. I really should blog about it because it was friggin' hysterical!

Vicodin doesn't do it for me, when I get hurt I need Percs or Darvs.

Kellie said...

I love reading your facebook updates. I'm rarely on twitter. You give me a good laugh when I'm home being a knocked up loser. So thanks for that!

injaynesworld said...

Well, damn... You had way more fun on that stuff than I did. All it did for me is sending me into uncontrollable sobbing. I can't quite imagine how I would tweet that...

Jessica said...

I loved your opiate-induced tweets! said...

Seriously, if you ever find out how many wood chucks it takes, you MUST let me know.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

A doctor once gave me something like 10 bottles of Vicodin. I wish I'd taken them.

Dorothy said...

Well, if this is how you really feel I'm coming back to see how you really feel again..this is a riot.

Dorothy from grammology

Loco YaYa said...

here via travis. not sure why. but i just sat here and read like the last year of freaking posts at work. i work 17 hr days. so i had a lot of reading time.

shit you are funny.

Jen said...

I wish more people who tweet all day long would take Vicodin, I'd pay more attention. How long will the doctor let you take them?

Maxie said...

Thank you for rehashing the worst day of my life.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

So you actually do anything BUT type out funny stuff on the computer? Just wondering...because you're awesome, and by "awesome" I mean "short".

meleah rebeccah said...

These were all hilarious when I read them on twitter and facebook. My favorite one is still:

"My Vicodin has worn off. My apologies for my last 267 Tweets. Oh..look. It's time for another dose. BUCKLE UP, PEOPLE!!"

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