The Joys of Homo-nership | Mental Poo

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Joys of Homo-nership

Figured I’d jot down some memories and things I’ve found/discovered since moving into my new house.



Said ‘thanks and goodbye’ to my movers and tipped them $60. Then went to move my dresser a little and it collapsed because why WOULD they want to tell me that they actually snapped the legs off the thing and then ever-so-gingerly set it up so that it was barely standing on it's own? Also, someone please call 911 because I’m pretty sure my arm is crushed.

Just met my neighbor, Ed, and his giant dog named “Champ.” Ed would not make eye contact and appeared to be staring at a cloud the entire time we talked while his dog spit all over my pants. Good to know that I’m not going to be the creepiest guy in the neighborhood.

Walked up my front steps and saw that a spider built a giant web on my railing. I may have to sell this house if this shit keeps up.

Found a red button next to my kitchen light switches. When I pressed it, my garage door in the basement opened. That makes sense.

Every inch of cabinet and closet space in my apartment was taken. Here, I have so many cabinets I don’t know what to put in them. I'm considering breaking up my silverware into their individual pieces and just scattering them throughout my drawers just to take up space.

Just found out my bedroom ceiling fan only spins in reverse which is awesome because nothing says ‘I’m comfortable sleeping in the summer’ like having a nice, cool patch of ceiling WTF.

As far as I can tell, this switch is either disconnected or is operating a time portal elsewhere in the universe.

Heard this while out in my backyard from the front of my house:
Putt-putt-putt..DAMMIT. Putt-putt-putt..DAMMIT! putt-putt..DAMMIT DAMMIT!
Came out front and there was my neighbor, Ed – who is in his mid-40’s and 6 feet tall – trying to ride a mini-dirtbike that was maybe 8 inches tall up the street but it kept stalling.
*locks door*

I hope my builders hurry up and finish my central air conditioning because the fact that it’s 83 degrees in my house at 9 pm is making me think that the former owner’s claim of ‘this house stays pretty cool’ was bullshit.

I will never ever never ever ever build a fire in this fireplace because I once drove a nail into my knee trying to hang a picture. “Handy” is NOT my middle name.

My neighbor’s wife across the street is named “Kelly” and she tends to her garden wearing white short-shorts. She’s not necessarily pretty but, hey, butt crack is butt crack. Also, I love having blinds.

Oh, look…Ed is on his front steps clipping his toenails.

Seriously. What does THIS switch go to?! How many are like this?!

I was pretty positive my house was haunted and then I realized it was the two Glade automatic air-fresheners click-clacking every 20 minutes. Also, I should be on GhostHunters.

Just met another neighbor named, Matt.
Matt: “We kind of keep to ourselves.”
Me: “I don’t.”

My flower beds in the front of my house are filled with plants that may or may not be weeds so I’m using the old, ‘If it has thorns or pulls out of the ground easily, it shouldn’t be there in the first place’ method of cleaning that shit up.

Just came home and Ed and his dog are IN MY YARD UNDER MY TREE like they’re SUPPOSED to be there.
Ed: “Hey. Getting acclimated to the neighborhood?”
Me: “Sadly. Yes.”

My one-car garage is tiny, damp, and has a single 40-watt light bulb in it that barely lights it up. I feel that this is where I should build my dungeon.

Son: "Daddy, what does this switch do?"
Me: "I DON'T KNOW!!"

The washing machine that came with the house has to be unplugged for 10 minutes after every load before it can start up again. We have so much in common.

I put fertilizer on my lawn this morning and when I came back in the house I realized that I had stepped in dog shit in my own lawn and I DON'T EVEN OWN A DOG.

I’m going to kill Ed.


..the adventure continues...


Lynn MacDonald said...

hahaha...i really liked this post. It was just you being really funny about your neighbors but with your own "attitude".

One day you'll find out what the switch goes to...and then immediately regret it.

I was just up your way (I was in Vermont). Glad i'm home now.

Ryan said...

Ed is actually slowly moving onto your lawn.

Next week, expect a tent.

Christina_the_wench said...

Start digging holes in your backyard the size of a body. Ed might just fall in or it will scare him enough to stay the hell out of your yard. PLUS you'll be THAT guy in the hood.


Sarah Tokeley said...

Hell, he's going to move into the garage :)

Pat said...

I think your garage sounds like the ideal place to hide/keep Ed's body.

You have so much cabinet space that you can rent some out to me....there's never enough space in a trailer! I'll swing on by.

If the dog continues to crap on your lawn, let the dog shit get hard, collect it, then spell out "Fuck you" on Ed's lawn. I think he'll get the hint.

Vinny C said...

In some neighborhoods the neighbors bring you a fruit basket, in some they are the fruit baskets.

anna said...

omg so it was you who kept switching my bedroom light on and off! Don't touch that switch again! ever!

Knight said...

Simple solution to this Ed issue. Bear Traps.

Anonymous said...

I guess you've figured out why the former owner moved.

Vodka Logic said...

Every neighborhood has an Ed and Champ.....and a switch to nowhere. I keep hoping ours will signal the TARDIS

PS, don't fool yourself, I see you and Ed becoming great friends.

Anonymous said...

Maybe some of your switches go to Ed's house and they turn his shit on and off and this is how he gets revenge upon you. No, not just you. Your entire house.

VEG said...

I think those switches operate a hidden webcam attached to a 60 inch, HD TV somewhere in Ed's house and everytime you press one, he is filming you through secret peephole cameras all over your house, especially in your bathroom. You're welcome.

Also? That wasn't DOG shit...

Chunky Mama said...

Welcome home!
Great post. :)

Unknown said...

This post and the responses were great! I'll be chuckling all day!

Abby said...

I like Ed...he's a social guy, in that creepy stalker sort of way. And as for the switch...good luck with that. I've owned my home for 6 years now and still have a mystery switch. Sometimes we (my son and I) pretend that it's a "get this party started switch" and we flicker it before jamming out. Don't judge.

Don said...

Excellent post! And welcome back!

Sounds like a not so fun move in! Why in the world would the movers break something and then cover it up! AND except a bonus to boot! This world is falling apart, at least in your area of it it seems!


terri c said...

Awesome. I had a neighbor once whom I named "Drunk and Stupid." He acquired a girlfriend, "Drunk and Belligerent," and the days and nights were full of screaming fights in the parking lot, threats to run each over with cars, etc. They got along so badly they decided to get married, and that was my salvation, because they kept on fighting until she got pregnant and they then needed to move!! to a bigger place!!!!

The Wannabe Housewife said...

Your new house sounds amazing! Full of surprises and possible time portals?


Ed sounds like new neighbor best friend potential. I mean, honestly.

I look forward to updated posts on your home adventure...possibly from the future, or maybe even the past depending on how your time portal works.

AtYourCervix said...

The ceiling fan? You simply undo it (errr, ex-husband knew how to do this) and then flip the blades over. Re-screw the blades back in place. Voila! Reverse air flow.

Or some shit like that.

Chris said...

Dude, I totally hear you on this shit. Bought a house a year ago, and my "Ed" is actually named "Rick" and has a comment on everything I do in the yard from weeding to taking a dip in the pool.

And I have electrical outlets two inches below the ceiling, but none anywhere on the back patio or porch.

My bedroom ceiling fan only works intermittently, with no discernible cause of glitchery.

And two light switches, literally three feet apart, control the same light.

Odd indeed.

badlarry said...

Just met another neighbor named, Matt.
Matt: “We kind of keep to ourselves.”
Me: “I don’t.”

You'd have earned my undying loyalty if only you'd have said that while fluttering your eyelashes at him suggestively.

Melissa Hicks said...

On the plus side, I'm really hoping you found yourself a DIY project you can take pride in fixing with that 40 watt bulb...otherwise, I'm going to have to read everyday. Watching you kill yourself one switch at a time is bound to be funny.

Anonymous said...

My "Ed" is an old woman I call Maxine. Her little dog runs around the neighborhood shitting in EVERYONE'S yard (but her own, of course).

And after living in my new house for two months, I still don't know what one of the switches in the living room is for:)

meleah rebeccah said...

Yay! Congrats on moving into your new house. Good luck figuring out all of those switches. And I have a pretty good feeling that "ED" will be providing lots more blog-fodder in the future.

Stephanie Iris said...

I ate when I move into an apartment and it turns out to be a lot more ghetto than I remember.

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