Cake Boss

*deep voice*

I have a special set of skills.

Skills I have honed over, like, a year or something.

My skills suck.

Unless we're talking about designing pictures for birthday cakes. Then my skills approach mediocre-status.

I'm not sure how this all started, but with the advent of grocery store bakeries being able to take any picture and put it on a cake, my entire world opened up. Food tasted better. Colors were more vibrant. The air smelled cleaner.

I cling to the stupid things in life.

What these bakeries can do is to take any picture you give them, turn it into some kind of edible photo, and lie it on a cake.

Oh, Christ. I hope it's edible. Maybe I should read the instructions.

Nah. I've already eaten 14 of these pictures and haven't died ye-







I'll continue.

So I've started, instead, to design my own pictures for birthday cakes for the kids.

It all started with my son's birthday a few years ago. We were at the beach and he had an ice cream. I snapped a photo of him making the most ridiculous face with it.

On a side note, immediately after taking the photo, the ice cream fell off his cone and onto the ground and laughter ensued for the next 20 minutes or so.

I took that photo and, since we had both just become black belts, came up with this for his cake:

I cannot love this picture enough.

FYI, when singing 'happy birthday' and you put a cake in front of someone with this picture on it, the reaction is truly magical.

Next up was my daughter's birthday, and she was into Star Trek at the time, so....

I think this came out quite stunning.

Fast-forward one year where Star Trek took a back seat to her liking a goth band named "Black Veil Brides" and this is what I came up with:

Yes. That's black icing.

This is what it's like having an emo teen, by the way.

Then it was my step-daughter's turn and OH I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHAT SHE WAS INTO.

I honestly wish she'd let it go.

See what I did there?

I STILL GOT IT.

BUT...the king of all cakes made it's appearance last weekend.

My stepson, turning 10.

What does my stepson enjoy?

Pugs and Narwhals.

Yes.

Pugs. And. Narwhals.

On a side note, my wife had no idea that narwhals were real animals up until about a month ago, just in case you're wondering what kind of education you need to be a dental hygienist.

Love you, babe.

So, with pugs and narwhals in mind, this is what he got on his cake:

His face, on a pug's body, riding a narwhal.

GENIUS.

Also magical is the reaction of his grandmother when she saw the cake and was all, 'the fuck is that?'

I'll tell you what the fuck it is:

MAGICAL.

Want one? I'm available for parties. Price negotiable.

The Jimmy Dean Birthday Masquerade

One of our friends had her 40th birthday recently.

Normally this would put her out of my list of 'people I want to bang' but she's pretty and has great big boobs and probably a vagina. In reality, all I'm interested in is the last thing.

I forgot where I was going with this.

OH.

She decided to have her birthday party as a "Gothic Masquerade" party in the middle of downtown Salem, Massachusetts in the middle of October. Here's a picture of me and my fiancee, Kerri, at the party:

ROWR!

I'm, like, either a sexy tiny Zorro or a Robin gone emo.

As you can imagine, the party was..um...interesting.

Here are a couple of things we saw:

1) A very tall quite-obviously-gay man, dressed as a Nazi/German soldier dancing by himself with his John Lennon glasses pulled down to the tip of his nose as he looked at everyone over them.

I'm not saying John Lennon was a gay Nazi. I'm just saying that they wear the same shades.

2) A small bald man with a mask only covering his mouth, doing Tai Chi in the middle of the dance floor.

3) Batman

I was sad about seeing Batman because that was my original costume idea. I figured I could just tell the birthday girl I thought she said "Gotham Masquerade" party.

Although, we all felt safer with him there.

4) The Jimmy Dean commercial sun guy. See?

He's standing right behind me in this picture:

Although you can't see the rest of his ensemble, I can tell you that it included sandals and socks, and a dress.

Not a kilt. A dress.

As we were leaving I made it a point to tell him how much I enjoy his breakfast sandwiches, but did so well outside of earshot of Nazi erotic dancing guy with John Lennon sunglasses because you never know what will set those guys off.

I can only Imagine.

It's almost my birthday. BUY MY DAMN COOKIES.

In lieu of a weekly wrapup, and since it's almost my birthday (wink), I've decided to just go pimp out my new page of cookies over at The Bitter Baking Company.

For those of you who don't remember the story, check out the post that started it all...along with Erin's follow up that, well, cemented the deal.

Amazing.

When you go there, you'll see a "Mental Poo" category which the lovely Erin (I'm guessing here, I have no idea what she looks like) put together to showcase all of the CUSTOM COOKIES she can make for you with slogans written by yours truly.


You can choose from Mother's Day cookies like this:



Or Birthday cookies like this:


Or even relationship cookies, like this:



Awesome, right?

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!