OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

So, yeah...

THIS JUST HAPPENED:

Post by Ross Cavins-Tim Caviness.

HOLY. CRAPOLA.

Now adding "As Seen on TV" stickers to every cover of my book.

Get it HERE

Tropical Storm Isaac, MasterChef reverse-racism, and my most recent brushes with fame

I thought this was appropriate since TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY and all.

My PayPal address is midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com if you want to send me a great big cash gift.

Thanks in advance.

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A couple of cool things happened last week.

FIRST:

If you watch the show, "MasterChef" in the United States then you know that the judges panel is made up of Gordon Ramsey, Graham Elliot and some guy named Joe who is just generally mean to people and bites his fork.

Regardless, during one of the challenges, Graham presented three dishes that he serves in his own restaurant and asked a contestant to recreate one of them in the kitchen. This is how he introduced the dishes:

"This dish was eaten by Oprah Winfrey."

"This dish was ordered by Jay-Z."

"THIS dish..was eaten by President Barack Obama."

..and then a light bulb went off in my head in which I promptly Tweeted this:


Then...just a short time later...

I received THIS email from Twitter:


Yes. Graham Elliot retweeted it to his 39k followers and then I died.

THEN:

Tropical Storm Isaac was in the news all last week, so one morning I Tweeted this to my man-crush Boston Fox 25 Morning News Anchor Gene Lavanchy because they were talking about postponing the Republican National Convention. I also included his co-anchor, Shannon Mulaire, because she's smoking hot:


Then Gene told me via Twitter to 'watch "Mail Call" this morning' which is when they read their viewer input and...

...well...

THIS:


It looked even better on the big screen, people. True story.

Now if someone would just pay me to do this stuff full-time, I'd be all set.

*echo

Besides my employer, I mean.

I should probably do some work.

Moog out.

The Urinal Cake that Loved Me

Was watching the news the other day when they ran this story:


"DETROIT (AP) — Michigan hopes to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special message in men's bathrooms featuring an attention-getting woman's voice.

A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely."

This prompted this Tweet to my local news anchor and man-crush, Gene Lavanchy:


Then I started thinking how awesome it would be if I could figure out how to do that, and what other things I would make the urinal cake say as you started peeing on it.

"Hey. Did you have asparagus yesterday?"

"You should probably have that mole checked out."

"You complete me."

"nom nom nom nom nom nom nom"

*just some gargling noises

"How YOU doin?"

"Your urine reeks of broken dreams."

"Hahahaha. With that thing you better hope she really likes your personality."

"This urinal will self-destruct in 3...2..."

"I know you don't want to hear this right now, but your parents are ashamed of you."

"Your pee is luke warm. Just like your chances with the girl you're hitting on."

"Psssst. Kiss me. I'm really a beautiful princess."

I'm just wondering how many really drunk guys would fall for that last one.

Aside from me, I mean.

If Gene Lavanchy wasn't considering a restraining order before, he's probably dialing up the cops right now

A little while ago I professed a bromance between myself and a local Fox 25 News Anchor named Gene Lavanchy.

It was borderline creepy, I have to admit - but what completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants, completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants so who am I to call this 'wrong.'

I just scared myself a little there.

Regardless, Gene and I still go back and forth on Twitter so he really has no one else to blame for this but himself.

Enjoy some more of our repartee.

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Before I get rolling, I have to mention Gene's co-host, Shannon Mulaire, who is pretty hot and can certainly play with the big boys when it comes to dishing it back.

Case in point:


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Then they did a fluff piece where there would be a parallel-parking competition between the morning hosts.


Notice he cc'd Shannon on that one.

That-a-boy, Gene.

That-a-boy.

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Then in February we had received approximately 1/2" of snow here in New England which is typically 999-1/2" less than usual so the weather woman, Cindy, was talking about the uncommonly mild weather.

Please note that around mid-conversation here, Gene actually reads my Tweet on the air.


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Then?

VALENTINE'S DAY.



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One of the top stories on this day was about someone posting a video on YouTube of two girls totally beating the bejeezus out of each other for, like, 5 minutes. I know. AWESOME.

But the topic at hand was how outrageous it was for all the people surrounding the fight to continue filming but not try to stop it.

And thus begins Gene and I's transgression:



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For some reason the Boston Bruins goalie, Tim Thomas, went off on a month-long anti-Obama thing and that's all that anyone could talk about on the news.


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HEADLINE: "JetBlue pilot goes crazy mid-flight. Passengers subdue him."


Then I found out later on that Gene actually read that on-air but I missed it.

So this followed:


Yes.

Now I know.

HOWEVER, I did NOT miss this on-air mention when the main story was how a local elementary school wanted to change the lyrics to that song, "I'm Proud to be an American" from "God bless the USA" to "I love the USA."


Cheesy, I know.

But I do what I can.

In a completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love kind of way, of course.

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UPDATE!

This happened just this morning:

Fox was doing a story on how the CIA foiled another 'Underwear Bomb Plot' by Al Qaida.

I'm in love with Fox News Anchor Gene Lavanchy and I don't care if the whole world knows it

Please mark your calendars appropriately as the day that I was delivered a restraining order by a Fox News Anchor.

Before I leave for work every morning (notice I did not say 'go to work' because 'arriving at the building' and 'actually doing work' are two completely different things) I turn on the Boston Fox News station because:

a) I need background noise for all the games I am CRUSHING my opponents in of Words with Friends, and
17) I like the anchors

Specifically, I'm a big fan of Gene Lavanchy because he doesn't take anything too seriously and I think we have the same sense of humor and even though I don't swing that way, I think we would get along swimmingly just bantering while sitting around in a sauna.

Or a bar.

A straight bar.

This is just a simple bromance, people.

You know? Gay bar, straight bar. Whatever. His choice. I'm flexible because I'D BE AT A BAR WITH GENE LAVANCHY!

*jazz hands*

It has gotten to the point where my girlfriend has threatened to beat up Gene because I'm all, like, "Gene said this.." and "Gene said that" and, in her defense, it's probably really annoying to hear someone go on and on like this when you're trying to have sex with them.

The more you know.

Regardless, I thought I'd bring you just a few of our Twitter conversations because I'm kind of proud of the fact that Gene actually responds to me and it's usually not in the form of a court summons.

Enjoy.

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This whole thing started when I made a comment about a story of a local meteorologist who GOT LOST IN AN APPLE ORCHARD and had to call 9-1-1 to get out. My comment about the meteorologist got my first-ever response back from Gene directly:




..and a Twittermance was born (trademark pending)

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Research?

Sure it is, Gene. Sure it is.

But I will never judge you, my friend.

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There was a headline about Mark Wahlberg stating that if he was on one of the 9/11 planes with his kids that he would have been able to stop the hijacking and land the plane safely.

*blink*

I know. I had the same reaction.

I Tweeted this to Gene:



A few minutes later, this happens and I got so excited that it immediately went up on my Facebook page and Youtube Channel:



OMG RIGHT?!

Sure, Gene completely botches the delivery and completely ruins the joke but in his defense the word 'happening' IS kind of tough to say under the pressure of cameras.

The part that I cut off at the end, though, is that another anchor on the show quoted Dane Cook with a very similar remark - but the movie he used was "Rock Star."

Dane Cook: stealing my thunder since, like, whenever he showed up and got famous.



*insert Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath my Wings" song here

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Then we got snow up here and it turned out to be kind of slippery so I sent this to Gene suggesting that their morning meteorologist, Cindy, use this in her forecasts to, you know, get an edge on other stations. YOU'RE WELCOME, CINDY.



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One morning, Fox did a fluff piece about this study, resulting in yet another Twittermance between me and my Gene-o:



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One day, people in Boston were shocked to find out that Gene's longtime co-host, Kim Carrigan, was fired so now when someone disappears for a day on the show we all assume the worst (that they were sent to cover American Idol).



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Seriously. I got, like, 16 kazoos and a bunch of those things you spin around in your hand for $2.

Radio gold, my friends. Radio gold.

That is, once this restraining order is lifted and I'm allowed within 500 feet of Gene Lavanchy again.

*waves from bushes

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UPDATE:

I Tweeted the post to Gene after it posted:


So, just in case there's a tsunami somewhere in Asia today, Gene and I both apologize.

Then there was a headline this morning about a new website that allows you to take pictures you snap on the Boston commuter rail system and post them so people can rate them.

But Gene didn't Tweet it. His cohost, Shannon Mulaire (bites palm and makes growl noise) did.

Here's how THAT went:


Oh, Gene-O...They're onto us.

*tsunami