D Harmony

And they say these matchmaking services don't work.

Well, folks...

I beg to differ.

On a related note...

Usually when I'm begging it's in regards to sex.

But this time, it's just to differ.

Thank you, Obama!

Change IS happening!!

Whatever...I didn't vote for him, don't feel bad about it, and I still think Sarah Palin is hot.

Perhaps I'm just acting stupidly.

I've digressed.


Here's my story.

You see...

I met her this past weekend.

After browsing the Internet, searching through hundreds of potential girls...

...I found myself a match made in Heaven.

In standard 'E Harmony' fashion...let's go over her questionnaire to see how and why I made my choice:

*******************

1) Sex: Female

*******************

Hooray for me!

Off to a good start!


Plus, if I'm going to be sharing my bed with anyone, I have to be honest here and say that I'm going to go with the one that has a vagina.

Just sayin'.

*******************

2) Describe your hair and hair color: shorter hair, dark brown with white highlights

3) Describe your height/weight: Below average height, slender build

*******************

So far, this is adding up to a decent fit.

She's short and slender.

Like me, except..you know...

Slender.

Hey...

...these massive biceps wouldn't look good on the frame of Stephen Hawking.



*******************

4) Describe yourself: I'm fun, playful and energetic. I love the outdoors. I am sometimes submissive, but can also play the dominant role in the relationship.

*******************

Holy fuck.

Almost had a deal breaker there with the 'energetic' and 'outdoors' shit.

The most energy I spend is when I have to walk over to the TV to get my XBox controller.


Then she pulled it out of the fucking hat with the submissive/dominating shit.

NICE.

I suppose I could buy a Nintendo DS...you know...go outside with it.

Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship.

*******************

5) Describe your perfect man: I enjoy someone who's playful and fun, but also someone who I can curl up on the couch with.

*******************

Baby...you had me at 'on the couch.'

*******************

6) Describe the perfect night with your man: After a tough day at work, I'd like to greet my man at the door and cover him with kisses and affection. Depending on how tired he is, this scene would end up with me and him roughhousing on the floor, with balls in my mouth.

*******************

* blink

*******************

7) Describe your inadequacies: I like to shit outside.

*******************

Inadequacy?

Baby, getting my girl to shit outside is a PREREQUISITE.

And now...

...she's MINE.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the latest member of the Moooooog35 household...

Sophie.


15 pounds of energetic, fun loving...

...submissive yet dominating mutt.

Just like I like 'em.


With Lexi very sadly gone, but not forgotten, the kids were itching for something to fill the void.

And now we have it.

She is just a puppy at 5 months old, and was rescued from a kill shelter in Ohio. We picked her up from her foster home on Saturday.

Alas, though...

...this is our THIRD try at adopting a dog since Lexi.

The last one was Emmy.

Emmy lasted a WHOPPING 12 hours before we gave her the fuck back because:

a) she wouldn't stop growling at my kids, and

b) she wouldn't leave my wife alone and was driving her fucking batshit

Wow.

That sounds like me.

No wonder my wife has been calling them asking if they take middle-aged men.

Good to know.

The first one, was Lucy:

(photo of Lucy on our couch prior to mauling a visitor)

Lucy lasted a full 6 days with us.

She came with the name, "Lucy" and we decided to keep it.

If only for the chance to say "Luuuuucy...Joo Got Sum 'Splainin' to Do..." when she pissed in the house.

The wife and I even got the kids to practice saying it.

We're a comedic family.

It's how we roll.

BUT...although Lucy was awesome with us and the kids...

...she COULD NOT STAND ANYONE ELSE without barking and jumping and attacking them and shit.

Plus, she would get us up at FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING...so...

...you know...

Fuck that shit.

So, we sent her to Michael Vick's house where she'd be better suited.

Just kidding.

He's only accepting Pit Bulls at this time.


So, after a few tries, we finally exchanged her with the same adoption company for Sophie.

So...

In true Ty Pennington fashion, I guess there's only one thing left to say:

Welcome home, Sophie.

Welcome home.

But shit inside the fucking house, and you're done. DONE.


There.

I'm taking the dominating role first.

My maid's outfit is at the dry cleaners.

**********************

By the way...go make yourself useful and rescue a dog.

You really can't argue with the 'balls in the mouth' thing.

Motivational Filler - Individuality and Determination

*******************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):



But wait...there's more!!

Um...

Somewhere...out there...

...this guy is hunting me down.

I'm totally getting a fucking metal detector installed.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.

When Facebook Needs a Paper Bag

You know...some posts just write themselves.

By the way...

I'm on Facebook.

Now, now...I don't want you all running to your accounts and adding me as your 'friend' because, frankly, I don't pay attention to it.

Although, friends would be nice.

I'm getting sick of these sock puppets.

These dirty, naughty, sock puppets.

My penis has rug burn.

Wait.

What was I talking about?

Oh.

Facebook.


So, I DO have an account...but it's pretty much hard to find and get to on purpose.

This is because I don't pay attention to it...

...otherwise I'd have to go and do the stupid shit like:

'Jimmy wants to slap you on the ass' thing and THEN have to either:

a) Accept Jimmy's slap on the ass (gay)

b) Slap Jimmy back on the ass (gay)

c) Ignore Jimmy's request to slap me in the ass (straight)

d) Figure out who the fuck this Jimmy guy is who wants to touch my ass (bi)

Frankly, I don't have the time or the clearance based on these restraining orders to do all that shit.

So...I don't.

But I got this email the other day:

(click to enlarge...that's what she said)


Lisa Loomis added me as a friend on Facebook.

Awesome!!

The day I've been waiting for has finally arrived!

This begs the question:

Who the fuck is Lisa Loomis?

Curious...I clicked on the link...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Here..in all her wonderful glory...

Lisa Loomis:


Honestly...I have not a single clue who this person is..

..or if it's real.

Because, if this is real...I feel bad continuing with this post.

On a related note:

I make myself laugh sometimes.

Regardless...here are Lisa's details:

(click to enlarge..again)

*************
Info:

My name is Lisa. I am self-employed and work from my home. When Im not working, I enjoy spending time with my dogs, hiking, cooking, waxing my car. Im making alot of progress in therapy.

*************

"..waxing my car" and "Im making a lot of progress in therapy"

I'm not making this up.

Also...

When I first clicked on this, Lisa's "info" included that she liked dogs, hiking, cooking, and self-mutilation.

I swear to God.

Sometimes, the Gods of humor just open up the skies to me.

Let's keep going:

*************
Activities:

Running my busness, Training my dogs, cooking new recipes, collecting comics, Watching old Movies, reading about mythological beasts, working on my car, meeting People, wrestling

*************

Ah.

Reading about mythological beasts...

...and wrestling.

The two qualities I look for most in a woman.

Awesome.

Lisa...if you're real, I'm sorry.

If not...holy fuckshit...you made me fucking laugh you crazy bitch.

Thanks for being my friend.

Facebook-style.

..and that's how Chris Hansen came to be in my hotel room....

Alternate Title for this post:

How to Freak out a Bellhop

Let me explain.

On my recent family vacation, our last travel spot was the lovely city of Toronto, Canada.

When I say 'lovely' I mean 'shithole.'

When I say 'city' I mean 'fucking dump.'

When I say 'Toronto, Canada' I mean 'accumulation of urine.'

Seriously...

...I haven't seen that many homeless people since I went to Seattle for the distinct purpose of making fun of them.

SO worth the airfare.

(FYI: If you're going to throw rocks at them, it's best to bring your own. They're hard to find on the city streets)

I've digressed.


(yep...one of mine)

Regardless...

When booking the hotel, I discovered that I could get the cheapest rate at the hotel I was looking at if I went with the "Romance Package."

Yes.

The Romance Package.

Let's see:

Two adults...two children...?

Um..DUH.

Obviously, I'll take the Romance package, please.

No brainer.

At least, for people from Kentucky.

People from Kentucky bang their own kids.

It's true.

I read it.

I wrote it down and I read it.

I believe everything I read.


(Thanks for the bit, Bob Saget.)

Sorry...where was I?

Oh.

The Romance Package.

Here's why I took it:

*******************
Your Romance Package Includes:

1) Two splits of sparkling wine
2) A sumptuous welcome treat at check-in
3) Valet parking included
4) Massage oil

*******************

* blink

VALET PARKING INCLUDED?!?!?!?

Sign me the fuck up!


I mean, the massage oil and wine and sumptuous treat shit is cool...

...but when you're over 40 and you get FREE VALET PARKING?!?!?

Jesus H. Christ...it's like I hit the fucking lottery.

You know.

If the lottery sucked and the grand prize was a Latino guy parking my minivan.

Don't judge.


So, we booked the hotel room with the Romance Package.

We checked in.

We did some shit in Toronto.

(read: kicked hobos)

But on the last day, we realized that:

1) We did not get our fucking 'scrumptious welcome treat at check-in'

2) No massage oil!!

3) We did not get our splits of wine

Side note: what the fuck is a split of wine?

I once got a split of atoms, but it resulted in horrible, horrible devastation and millions died.

Kids...be careful when playing with nuclear fission.

The more you know.

Basically, all I got so far out of this fucking Romance Package was free parking.

Free parking!

Oh. Look at that.

I have a boner.

Free parking does that.

Hey..looks like I've gone off-topic.

Again.


So, I went down to the front desk and told the guy that I had not received any of the shit I was supposed to get.

He told me he'd call me in ten minutes...

...so I went back to my room...

...took my shirt off and put on some "XBox Live" silk jammy shorts...


(LOOK OUT, LADIES!!)

Then...it came:

* Knock Knock Knock

Um.

Uh oh.

I open the door.

It's the Bellhop from downstairs.

He's smiling.

He's brought me my Romance Package.

In his hands...he's holding:

1) A small bottle of wine

2) Two cookies

3) A black box.

The cover of the black box is showing a painting to two Japanese people getting freaky with the words:

***************
Your Sensual Kit Contains:

Edible body powder, Scented massage oil, Flavored Shower Gel, Erotic Feather Tickler.

***************

As he's handing this over...I notice the smirk on his face.

The smirk says (say in 5 year old taunting voice for best effect):

"You gonna get some vagina...you gonna get some vagina...you gonna tickle it with a feather...you gonna tickle it with a feather..."


It's at this exact moment, as I reach out my hands to grab the stuff...

...that my daughter yells out:

Daughter: "Who's that, daddy?"

* cricket

I look up at the bellhop...

...my hands now grasping the wine and cookies and 'Gonna Get Laid Freaky Style Kit'...

..and he no longer has the smirk.

Nope.

Smirk. Gone.

Instead...

...he has this horrified, wide-eyed look of...

"Um...what...the..?"


Yeah, dude.

Because now he thinks that I came down and specifically requested my Romance Package of wine and cookies and slippery sexytime tools...

...sharing the same room with my kids.

It's okay, though.

I'm originally from Kentucky.

Motivational Filler - Marketing

*******************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously...

...I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):


The really weird part was when the chick burped the container.

But that baby sure did keep fresh.

I bought two.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

If you like them, feel free to post them on your site.

Just give me some credit.

God knows my bank won't.

Moog out.