Trust me...this stupid title will explain itself in a minute.
You people are so fucking impatient.
But...sit down..this is a long one today.
(that's what she said)
When I was a kid, I was fat.
If the news ever would have run a story on obesity in children back then, the odds would be that the crews were at my house filming me from the neck down while the anchors were back in the studio going:
"Holy fuckshit...that kid's a goddamn porker! Look! He jiggles like Santa!! And now, in sports..."
I ate cookies and junk and didn't exercise and watched television and had little boy fat tits.
("Little Boy Fat Tits" would be a great name for a rock band)
So, yeah. I was fat.
But I had a skateboard.
I had a lime green skateboard, and my buddies and I would hang out during the day and do jumps and shit on them.
When I say I would 'do jumps' on my skateboard I mean 'did not do any fucking jumps.'
I was fat.
Jumping constitutes exercise.
The Gods of Nabisco frown on that shit.
("Gods of Nabisco?" Holy shit! I need to be a band manager.)
So, one day, when I was about 10 or so, my best friend Ed has this idea:
Ed: "Why don't we do this:
Someone starts across the street on his skateboard, and someone else shoots his skateboard in front of them...then they just jump from one skateboard to the other.
..and they'll just keep going, but on the other skateboard!"
Let me draw out the plan so you get a visual:
Oh. My. God.
I imagined the moment of moving in one direction...then, suddenly, BLAM!! moving in a whole different direction.
It would be like riding those cars in 'Tron' except it would be skateboards and there would be no neon and I'm pretty sure I'd look like an overstuffed sausage if I ever tried to squish my fat 10 year old ass into spandex.
So I volunteered.
This turned out to be a bad, bad idea.
Here's what happened.
I started out on my skateboard heading across the street.
Ed then kicked the other skateboard across my path of travel.
At the right time, I leaped.
Thoughts of pulling off one of the greatest stunts of my short, creme-filled life traveling through my fat little skull.
Until, that is...
For, you see...
The absolute second my feet landed on the other skateboard, it shot out from under me like a fart out of Richard Simmons' gaping asshole and rocketed down the street.
I, on the other hand, went ass over teakettle in the air...
...landing with a *THUD* in the middle of the street.
Here..this should help:
As my fat ass lay semi-conscious in the middle of the street, I can hear my friends discussing whether or not they should just up and fucking run.
I have good friends.
That's when I hear the car pull up.
With my eyes closed, I can hear a car stop in front of me, the door open and someone get out.
It's my little league coach.
Coach: "What happened?"
Ed: "He fell off his skateboard."
On a related note, Ed learned at a very young age that one should cover his own ass whenever possible.
(click to enlarge)
My mother opens the front door of our house (we were right in front of my house) and starts screaming.
So...my coach...in a fit of heroism unknown to any man at that time...
...decides to try to bring me inside.
Eyes closed, I feel him wrap his arms around my limp gelatinous body and...
Reminiscent of the opening credits of 'The Incredible Hulk', my coach somehow manages to pick my flubbery fat shit carcass off the ground and make his way to the house.
All the time as he's carrying me, I can hear this:
Coach: "Jesus Christ...holy shit...mmmpphhh...oh my God...Jesus...hnnnggghh...fuck he's a goddamn heavy shit...gaaaa"
Nice guy, that coach.
On the bright side, I learned some new words that day.
In the end, I was fine.
Had I never thought of jumping, that never would have happened.
Fat kids shouldn't exercise. It may lead to their death and/or hernias for their little league coaches.
Nothing that a couple of Twinkies and Oreos won't fix.
I just want to acknowledge that yesterday was Veteran's Day, and I'd like to say 'thank you' to all the military personnel who have made it possible for me to live in a free country and offend the shit out of you on a daily basis.
At the end of this post is a story about how I bumped into one of these returning soldiers on my way back from the shithole known as Jackson, Mississippi.
This post, from one of the greatest Boston websites of all time, Barstool Sports, will rip your fucking heart out. If you aren't touched by these videos even a little bit, get the fuck out now because - honestly - you're a douchebag.
Now. Enough seriousness.
LET'S EXERCISE SOME RIGHTS OF FREE SPEECH, BITCHES!!