Fatty McFatShit and Physics 101 | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Fatty McFatShit and Physics 101


Trust me...this stupid title will explain itself in a minute.

You people are so fucking impatient.

But...sit down..this is a long one today.

(that's what she said)

Here goes:

When I was a kid, I was fat.

If the news ever would have run a story on obesity in children back then, the odds would be that the crews were at my house filming me from the neck down while the anchors were back in the studio going:

"Holy fuckshit...that kid's a goddamn porker! Look! He jiggles like Santa!! And now, in sports..."

I ate cookies and junk and didn't exercise and watched television and had little boy fat tits.

("Little Boy Fat Tits" would be a great name for a rock band)

So, yeah. I was fat.


But I had a skateboard.

I had a lime green skateboard, and my buddies and I would hang out during the day and do jumps and shit on them.

When I say I would 'do jumps' on my skateboard I mean 'did not do any fucking jumps.'

I was fat.

Jumping constitutes exercise.

The Gods of Nabisco frown on that shit.

("Gods of Nabisco?" Holy shit! I need to be a band manager.)

Whatever.

So, one day, when I was about 10 or so, my best friend Ed has this idea:

Ed: "Why don't we do this:

Someone starts across the street on his skateboard, and someone else shoots his skateboard in front of them...then they just jump from one skateboard to the other.

..and they'll just keep going, but on the other skateboard!"


Let me draw out the plan so you get a visual:


Oh. My. God.

FUCKING BRILLIANT!!

I imagined the moment of moving in one direction...then, suddenly, BLAM!! moving in a whole different direction.

It would be like riding those cars in 'Tron' except it would be skateboards and there would be no neon and I'm pretty sure I'd look like an overstuffed sausage if I ever tried to squish my fat 10 year old ass into spandex.


It was...

GENIUS.

So I volunteered.

This turned out to be a bad, bad idea.

Here's what happened.

I started out on my skateboard heading across the street.

Ed then kicked the other skateboard across my path of travel.

At the right time, I leaped.

Thoughts of pulling off one of the greatest stunts of my short, creme-filled life traveling through my fat little skull.

Until, that is...

I landed.

For, you see...

The absolute second my feet landed on the other skateboard, it shot out from under me like a fart out of Richard Simmons' gaping asshole and rocketed down the street.

I, on the other hand, went ass over teakettle in the air...

...landing with a *THUD* in the middle of the street.

Here..this should help:


THUD.

As my fat ass lay semi-conscious in the middle of the street, I can hear my friends discussing whether or not they should just up and fucking run.

I have good friends.

That's when I hear the car pull up.

With my eyes closed, I can hear a car stop in front of me, the door open and someone get out.

Great.

It's my little league coach.

Coach: "What happened?"

Ed: "He fell off his skateboard."

On a related note, Ed learned at a very young age that one should cover his own ass whenever possible.

(click to enlarge)


My mother opens the front door of our house (we were right in front of my house) and starts screaming.

So...my coach...in a fit of heroism unknown to any man at that time...

...decides to try to bring me inside.

Eyes closed, I feel him wrap his arms around my limp gelatinous body and...

"HMMMMPPPPHHHHHHH!!"

Nothing.

Didn't budge.

Again.

"HUUNNNNGGGPPPMMMPPPPPHHHH!!"

Then...

Reminiscent of the opening credits of 'The Incredible Hulk', my coach somehow manages to pick my flubbery fat shit carcass off the ground and make his way to the house.


All the time as he's carrying me, I can hear this:

Coach: "Jesus Christ...holy shit...mmmpphhh...oh my God...Jesus...hnnnggghh...fuck he's a goddamn heavy shit...gaaaa"

Nice guy, that coach.

On the bright side, I learned some new words that day.

In the end, I was fine.

But...see?

Had I never thought of jumping, that never would have happened.

Fat kids shouldn't exercise. It may lead to their death and/or hernias for their little league coaches.

But, whatever.

Nothing that a couple of Twinkies and Oreos won't fix.


*************************

UPDATE


I just want to acknowledge that yesterday was Veteran's Day, and I'd like to say 'thank you' to all the military personnel who have made it possible for me to live in a free country and offend the shit out of you on a daily basis.

At the end of this post is a story about how I bumped into one of these returning soldiers on my way back from the shithole known as Jackson, Mississippi.

This post, from one of the greatest Boston websites of all time, Barstool Sports, will rip your fucking heart out. If you aren't touched by these videos even a little bit, get the fuck out now because - honestly - you're a douchebag.

Now. Enough seriousness.

LET'S EXERCISE SOME RIGHTS OF FREE SPEECH, BITCHES!!

44 comments:

The Peach Tart said...

Oh Mooooog35 - but you're so cute and hot now

M.J. said...

"fat unconscious pile of stupidity" - I almost peed myself!

Don said...

Goddamn man! After reading that first comment I feel like I should say, "Do you do anal?"
Gotta tell ya that I was a fatass punk until I got to high school. My fat was used as a weapon though. Classified nonetheless.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Tears are running down my face I am laughing so hard. And the visuals. Damn, dude...you are the funniest guy I have ever seen!!

Travis said...

Gravity treats fatties different. I have found that out many a time.

Ass over teakettle is my most favorite expression ever!

carissajaded said...

That was an amazing story. So do you still have the impressive skateboard moves? Did your coach survive?

And most importantly, I really hope you currently own a shirt that says I fuck on the first date.

L'uragano (The Hurricane) said...

...it shot out from under me like a fart out of Richard Simmons' gaping asshole...

Moog you are one of my favorite guilty pleasures. . .up there with Dancing with the Stars, Alec Baldwin and South Park.

Brutalism said...

There is a restaurant at Disney World called "Tubby's Buffeteria." (Sub-title should be, "the restaurant for those who have simply given up.)

adrienzgirl said...

For some reason when I come to your site and read, words completely escape me. You are one funny mo' fo'!

Ed Adams said...

Based on your Newspaper article, this all happened about 3 months ago.

Which would mean you're still a skateboarding fatty.

But look on the bright side, at least you have ME for a best friend.

Just A Girl said...

I think this post explains why I was just skin and bones until I was about 21. You were using up more than your fair share of the fat and there was none left for me. Thanks asshole, I didn't get tits until I was 23 because of you.

Moooooog35 said...

Peach: See? There's hope for giant children everywhere!

MJ: So did I, but mostly because I'm incontinent.

Don: Fat as a weapon. You should sell that idea to the government.

Send me a postcard when you're rich and famous.

Lee: Your check is in the mail. Thank you.

Travis: Fatty? Hey..hey...no name calling.

Asshole.

Carissa: When I start dating again (which is inevitable because my wife reads this blog and is compiling evidence for her court case), I shall buy such a shirt!

L'uragano: I'm sure Alec Baldwin will be pleased to hear he has such great company.

Brutalism: Well..great. There goes the name for my yogurt kiosk.

Adrienz: YAY! I got a girl to not speak! Men everywhere rejoice!

Ed: We'll just categorize this as 'blog post FAIL' and call it a day.

Just a Girl: Hey..you could have bought those WAY earlier.

Me-Me King said...

Bwahahahahaha. I hope you sent your coach flowers after his hernia surgery.

Jay Ferris said...

I'm amazed that you actually came to a stop after falling off; I would have expected you to keep rolling indefinitely, picking up mailboxes, cars, and stadiums along the way like something out of Katamari Damacy.

All the same, hilarious fucking story. My sense of humor was fapping like mad throughout the entire thing.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

geezus that was long. i think i grew a stray hair from my boob while reading that.

sorry about the skateboard

fatty

who's fat now? me. all the kids who were skinny when they were little are all probably fat now. just like me. so don't feel too bad.

used-to-be-a-fatty

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO!

This is freakin Hilarious!

bikramyogachick said...

This post gave me a flashback. I was a fat kid as well. One day I ride my ten speed to the candy store (because I obviously needed candy!). On the way back, I decide to eat candy while riding. So I'm riding with one hand, going down a hill, and need to brake. I reach over to the left side with my right hand to squeeze the brake and hit a rock at the same time. What happened after that was fat ten year old girl going ass over teakettle over the handlebars, candy flying everywhere!

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I just like to take a moment to point out that the Gods of Nabisco rock and will be appearing live and in concert at the Dairy Queen in Mooooog's hometown this weekend. If you don't know where the DQ is, contact Mooooog for directions because he spent a lot of time (and money) there as a kid and could lead you there blindfolded.

Moooooog35 said...

Me-Me: I was, like, 8 at the time. Plus, I'd probably eat the flowers.

Jay: To this day, they've kept the pothole I created in the street out of respect.

Speaking: How is the hair a stray if you grew it? On a side note, how can I make you stop saying things that make me nauseous?

Joker: Yes..near crippling experiences are always funny in hindsight. Someday, Stephen Hawking is going to laugh his ass off.

bikramyogachick: But..was the candy okay?

MikeWJ: Dairy Queen in my town closed down years ago.

Coincidentally, it was right around the time I stopped eating there.

Huh.

Toe said...

My brother was a fatty when we jumped our bikes off the little plywood jump on the sidewalk his bike bent and he fell just like this and laid there until my mom came out to get him. Only there was much screaming and crying involved and concerned looks from strangers while me and my sister laughed and pointed.

JD at I Do Things said...

"Fat Unconscious Pile of Stupidity" would be a good band name too.

Poor little fat boy.

Vodka Logic said...

Funny how brilliant an idea isn;t so much when we land on our asses.. funny story

JenJen said...

I was constantly turning my head to read the shirt: I Fuck on the First Date.
Sometimes it was right, sometimes he wore it inside out and backwards.
Thanks for the trickery.

w00t!

The pale observer said...

I wasn't fat as a kid but did a similar STUPID skateboard trick. I guess it was ok though, since the neighbor who had to carry me home didn't break their back.

BTW - I clicked on and read your fat/ex lax post. I laughed out loud.

You crack me up and I swear it's not easy to do.

Kris said...

Best part for me was you talking about Tron. Heh. Tron. Whatta movie.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Fucking awesome. Also, I had a lime green skateboard but it was only mine when my uncle wasn't home because it was really his. That's sad, really.

Kate M said...

There must've been some positive aspect to your fatness? Didn't your rolls of lard cushion the fall? ;)

Moooooog35 said...

Toe: SEE?! SEE?!? MORE EVIDENCE!!

Keep the fatties at HOME, people. AT. HOME.

JD: You're right..not sure how I missed that one.

Resigning my post as band manager...

Vodka: I know about hindsight all too well. I have two kids.

JenJen: You're right. You should really turn your shirt right-side-out when you throw them in the laundry.

Helpful tip.

Pale: The ex-lax post is one of MY personal all-time favorites.

NOW.

Back then...not so funny.

Kris: Tron..sports..Richard Simmons references...I'm like a cornucopia of knowledge, but instead of knowledge it's just a giant pile of shit.

Jenny the Bloggess: Jenny..always a pleasure when you stop by.

And, um...

You lived with your Uncle?

If he was anything like my uncle, I suppose that explains a lot.

Kate: Yes..the positive aspect to being fat was that I developed a giant case of low self-esteem and learned to cower under intense ridicule.

Thanks for dredging that shit back to the surface.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey Chunk!

Malach the Merciless said...

Or if you will . . .

OK son, you going to have to lift up your shirt and give me back those two hams you stole . . wait minute, your just a fat kid.

meleah rebeccah said...

Okay, I lost it at your TITLE and I laughed the whole way this entire post! And after the day I had? I really needed that kind of laugh. So thank you for being a FAT KID.

PS:
Nice linkage [at the end/UPDATED section of this post]- Im off to click and probably cry my face off

Knucklehead said...

Love your t-shirt. And there's something inherently funny about fat kids. Can't explain it really, but it's the truth.

VE said...

When I was 18 I was 5' 11 1/2" and weighed 128 pounds...the only fat I knew about was Albert...

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

Oh. Sorry about the DQ, Moooog.

P.S. -- I was skinny as a kid. Now, not so much. Wish it was the other way around.

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: There could be worse things than being fat.

Like living in New Bedford, or something.

You're mean to me.

Meleah: You're welcome.

I accept PayPal.

Knucklehead: I don't even think I'd qualify as 'fat' these days. I mean, I was fat..but I wasn't "2009 kid fat"..that shit's just crazy.

VE: I was the same height and weight as you when I was 18. Now I'm 5'3", 160 pounds.

Aging sucks.

MikeWJ: I went the other way around. My Adonis days didn't hit til just recently. You should see me, I'm quite magnificent.

kys said...

Thanks! You have validated my decision to avoid exercise for another 6 months or so.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I never had a skateboard as a kid. My fat kid ass would've snapped it in half.

Emily said...

Thanks for ripping my heart out first thing in the morning with that blog link.

Daffy said...

I was never the fat kid

I'm still not the fat kid

But I can't skateboard either so we have that in common...

...and I often find myself propelled through life ass over tea kettle....quite the experience it is

Noelle said...

ok...so i'm reading this and laughing and crying at the same time and my 3 yr old wants to know what's so funny. i censor well and tell her that a man is telling a story about when he was a kid and fell off a skateboard and got hurt. she looks at me with utter disgust and says, "that's not funny. that's mean." then i laughed harder. that's just how i am.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

This was so hilarious! Had me rolling in tears.

You truly have a way of telling life stories in a comical way. Poor coach!

Hindleyite said...

Bet you I was fatter. When I walked down the street, people would say 'goddammit, that's one fat cook'. But I was a beefcaaaake.

Stacy said...

I almost pee myself everytime I read your blog, I don't know if I should quit reading or buy some big girl diapers.

ThePeachy1 said...

Twinkee Goo is totally hot, especially when it's near a lime green skateboard. If it's injured it can't get away. Perfect scenario .

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