I'm a Terrible Matchmaker | Mental Poo

Monday, June 13, 2011

I'm a Terrible Matchmaker

A little while ago I attempted to help one of my fine female readers by helping her with her own Match.com profile.

"How did it go," you ask?

Ahem.

These are some of the updates she sends me from her, um, 'suitors.'

Enjoy.



*insert blank stare here*

Next:



So, obviously my tweaks to her profile on Match.com are actually working in reverse so we changed it a little to weed out some riff-raff and..well...


Well, that certainly didn't work.

Of course I feel bad for the quality of man she's getting offers from and try to console her:



Oooh! One more!


So after that one we put in some things about how you should actually be able to spell or create a cohesive, understandable thought which, honestly, actually fits the first guy she heard from AND - as an extra bonus - he'll probably clean your house.

Of course, he'll probably be wearing that French Maid outfit while he does it.

Seriously. I think she's overly picky.

37 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

Well it is the thought that counts... poor woman, maybe you should date her?

Silver said...

This post is like having PTSD flashbacks. Those Match commercials lie. they LIE.
*curls up in a corner

Eva Gallant said...

OMG! Those are some scary responses! My son met his girlfriend on Match.com and she's lovely, literate, financially solvent, and a great person. There is hope!

Jon Konrath said...

She should consider herself lucky that she got a response from one of the original members of ZZ Top.

Sarah said...

I've never been so happy to be happily married before in my life!

Random Girl said...

This could be a PSA against divorce. If you get divorced and are single again, this is what you can expect. I am a victim of online dating as well and as much I think there must be some normal, educated, well adjusted people on there since I am and I am all of those things, I am quickly losing faith. I'll stick to doing my own profile though, thanks anyways!

Ed said...

These guys all seem "nicce".

The first one seems more "Nice".

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I just had to have a moment of silence and contemplation, to consider my own gratitude.

My husband may not quite get his clothes in the hamper, but none of the garments are skirts. And he's all fond of capital letters and punctuation and whatnot.

bikramyogachick said...

I'm really tired of being single, but not tired enough to ask for your "help".
Although, I have the feeling even w/out your help she still would have the same results.
Online dating sucks!

SisterMerryHellish said...

Oh, this takes back. And I'd blocked it so well until now!

Brutalism said...

I gotta be honest with you...I did not expect the French Maid to be named "Al."

Moooooog35 said...

Vodka: Right. Like that will help her confidence.

Silver: You should advertise for them.

Eva: I met mine there, too, and I didn't even HAVE a beard.

Jon: Hey. Every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed man.

Sarah: Way to rain on the fun parade, Sarah.

Random: Your loss. Not really.

Ed: Riiight?

Shieldmaiden: he sounds THRILLING.

Bikram: Wait. You're THAT flexible and still single?! Boggles the mind, it does.

Boggles the mind.

Sister: You're welcome.

Brutalism: I know. I was expecting something like "Weezy."

Ann said...

It looks like that first guy has a clean house, so he gets points for that...unless he lives with his mom.

He loses points for looking like he's thinking of commiting murder.

(looking at the way the home is decorated I bet he lives with his mom)

Knight said...

I don't understand. Does she or does she not want to find a date? The dude with the beard looks like he would at least have a snack stashed in there if you were ever hungry. Or the fingers of his latest victim. At least give him a shot.

Kelly said...

and this is exactly why i will be single until the day i effing die.

Mandy_Fish said...

Holy hell. What did you do to her profile? That shit ain't right.

So. Cal. Gal said...

There's picky, and then there's desperate. I think your friend has a way to go before she descends to the depths of desperation...and these guys are the bottom of the barrel.

lifeintheboomerlane said...

I think I know the guy with the beard. Why are online personals so, uh, great material for humor.

Jewels said...

And now you know why I'm single! The men out there terrify me!

Suzy said...

I think I nose some of those guys.

Margaret (Nanny Goats) said...

Jeez. Talk about high standards. Tell her to buck up, find some dominance, and a matching outfit for the French Maid guy (since he was the best looking of the bunch).

;)

prin said...

A girl up here started a blog to that effect...

And also...
a fitting comic.

notactuallygod said...

Freaks need love too you judgy bastards.

(In your next life you just may be one of them)

Charlotte said...

Oh, my GAWD! And I thought I was getting some questionable prospects.

Online dating sucks. I "nose" all about it. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Good luck to your friend :)

Moooooog35 said...

Ann: maybe he murdered his mom.

Knight: I know. So choosy.

Kelly: No one says you have to marry the cross-dresser. Just spank him and then have him do the dishes.

Geez.

Mandy: Apparently I screwed it up exceptionally badly.

So. Cal: I am willing to bet that there is LOWER.

lifeintheboomerlane: are you related to him/it?

jewels: boo.

Suzy: that actually sounds dirty.

Margaret: RIGHT?!

Prin: Canada doesn't count. Everyone is weird up there.

Notactually: I think these freaks are less looking for love and more looking for victims.

Charlotte: They're only questionable if they have a crawlspace.

Kelly said...

As the *ahem* victim of this particular scenario, I can assure you that it's not ALL Moog's fault. I was getting these same low-life creeps responding to my profile before he re-wrote it for me. It's just that I'm getting more now. I'm resigned to the fact that this experiment is going to have to serve more as entertainment value than a love connection. Thank god I have a decent supply of toys in the meantime...

KT said...

That beard dude is going to stay with me for ever. For. Ever. FOR. EVER.

Handflapper said...

That guy with the beard? That's my uncle, and he's a reeeeally nice guy. He is missing his two front teeth and he has a great sense of humor. You should give him a chance.

Steve Bailey said...

my sources tell me the beard guy actually just hooked up with the maid guy... in a shocking twist. Sorry ladies you just moved too slow!

Mike said...

She's so picky. Give that homeless guy a beard trim and I'd bet he'd be a great date, showing her all the best dumpsters and all that.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I'm blonde haz boy fingers.

sewa mobil said...

Nice article, thanks for sharing.

Anji said...

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...

Stacie's Madness said...

omg, she may not be getting any dates, but the comic relief is endless.

Stacyonthecouch said...

At first, I was offended with your weird Canadians comments, but then I remembered that I did practically propose after one facebook message, so I can see how you might think that ... oops.

You should approach Bravo with Moooooog Matchmaker. It'd be a hit.

Angie said...

Oh for the love of God. Who DOESN'T like a man in a French Maid costume? (me) AND.. beards are the new 70's porn stache! (still fucking hideous)

LOL I hope she's not paying you for your help hon!

Katherine said...

I am never wearing my French Maid outfit AGAIN.

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