Today I present to you some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.
There's a skew on this one, though:
These Tweets are all about my kids and parenting.
I'm trying to find the receipt for my kids. I want to return them and get the models that have fucking VOLUME control. Jesus Christ SHUT UP.
My daughter left us a note this morning saying that we're 'crushing her dreams.' Honey, we're your parents. IT'S OUR JOB.
Kids asked me to make up a story before bed. If you see a new book out about Gilbert the gassy hermit who ate children, that's me.
Off to see 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' with the kids. I hope they explain his Parkinson's well, because I don't want to get into it during the movie.
Last night my 10-yr old daughter said, "Is it hot in here, or just me?" And then I killed myself.
Death, so it be glorious? Tis a sunset."- Byron. Obviously, Byron hasn't smelled my son's morning breath. If death has a smell, this is it.
DVD wouldn't play. I pulled it out, looked at it and said, 'What's ON this thing?' Son: "Your hand." Smartass.
Daughter is practicing a song for her "Christmas concert" - it's either Yiddish or she needs speech. I'm guessing this is a Holiday concert.
Kids, if the toy you want means I'm outside with these other assholes at 7 am in 27 degrees, you'd better start practicing your sad faces
Threw my son's leftover Fruity Pebbles in the toilet. Me:"Imagine if we pooped like that?" Son: "Cool." Wife:"You 2 are made for each other"
6-1/2 hours to go before my daughter's first chorus concert. If there is a God, he'll strike me deaf right now. WHAT? WHAT?! Oh shit.
I'm pretty sure the first sure sign you should be on a suicide watch is when your 10 yr old daughter asks to go bra shopping.
Taking the kids to see 'The Princess and the Frog' in an hour. Reason #437 why I wish I was a sterile hermit.
My 6 year old son is break dancing. Either that, or he's having a seizure. Either way, it's funny. How he dilates his pupils is amazing.
My daughter is in a beautiful dress for her concert today. She's gorgeous. It almost makes me not regret having children.
You know you're a good parent when your daughter makes an art book called 'landscapes,' & your son makes one called 'book of destruction.'
At a Halloween party my son is at, he put in fangs with his banana suit. He's what now? Vampnana? Count Chiquita? Team Potassium?
Just picked up my kids from Catholic class where my daughter informed them that the world will end in 2012. Awesome. Thanks, John Cusack.
(On Black Friday): Just convinced my kids that today is actually called 'African American Friday.' Life would suck if I couldn't lie to my children.
If someone would have reminded me that - someday - I would have to help my kids do book reports, I totally would have pulled out sooner.
Son: "You know that woody that I had? Well, his head popped off." Then I realized he was talking about Toy Story. Thank God.
Watched my daughter's class perform "Danse Macabre" today. Apparently, "Danse Macabre" is French for "WTF did I just watch?"
My son is behind me right now saying "Body parts, body parts..blood." I don't know why, and I'm not turning around to find out.
Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.
Click here for my Tweets while on Vicodin...
...my Tweets about celebrities...
...and my Tweets about I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WAS THINKING.
If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.
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You've been warned.