Twix or Tweets - Parenting Edition | Mental Poo

Friday, February 11, 2011

Twix or Tweets - Parenting Edition

Today I present to you some of my very own Tweets that I've subjected my 12 followers to.

There's a skew on this one, though:

These Tweets are all about my kids and parenting.



I'm trying to find the receipt for my kids. I want to return them and get the models that have fucking VOLUME control. Jesus Christ SHUT UP.

My daughter left us a note this morning saying that we're 'crushing her dreams.' Honey, we're your parents. IT'S OUR JOB.

Kids asked me to make up a story before bed. If you see a new book out about Gilbert the gassy hermit who ate children, that's me.

Off to see 'Fantastic Mr. Fox' with the kids. I hope they explain his Parkinson's well, because I don't want to get into it during the movie.

Last night my 10-yr old daughter said, "Is it hot in here, or just me?" And then I killed myself.

Death, so it be glorious? Tis a sunset."- Byron. Obviously, Byron hasn't smelled my son's morning breath. If death has a smell, this is it.

DVD wouldn't play. I pulled it out, looked at it and said, 'What's ON this thing?' Son: "Your hand." Smartass.

Daughter is practicing a song for her "Christmas concert" - it's either Yiddish or she needs speech. I'm guessing this is a Holiday concert.

(Near Christmas):

Kids, if the toy you want means I'm outside with these other assholes at 7 am in 27 degrees, you'd better start practicing your sad faces

Threw my son's leftover Fruity Pebbles in the toilet. Me:"Imagine if we pooped like that?" Son: "Cool." Wife:"You 2 are made for each other"

6-1/2 hours to go before my daughter's first chorus concert. If there is a God, he'll strike me deaf right now. WHAT? WHAT?! Oh shit.

I'm pretty sure the first sure sign you should be on a suicide watch is when your 10 yr old daughter asks to go bra shopping.

Taking the kids to see 'The Princess and the Frog' in an hour. Reason #437 why I wish I was a sterile hermit.

My 6 year old son is break dancing. Either that, or he's having a seizure. Either way, it's funny. How he dilates his pupils is amazing.

My daughter is in a beautiful dress for her concert today. She's gorgeous. It almost makes me not regret having children.

You know you're a good parent when your daughter makes an art book called 'landscapes,' & your son makes one called 'book of destruction.'

At a Halloween party my son is at, he put in fangs with his banana suit. He's what now? Vampnana? Count Chiquita? Team Potassium?

Just picked up my kids from Catholic class where my daughter informed them that the world will end in 2012. Awesome. Thanks, John Cusack.

(On Black Friday): Just convinced my kids that today is actually called 'African American Friday.' Life would suck if I couldn't lie to my children.

If someone would have reminded me that - someday - I would have to help my kids do book reports, I totally would have pulled out sooner.

Son: "You know that woody that I had? Well, his head popped off." Then I realized he was talking about Toy Story. Thank God.

Watched my daughter's class perform "Danse Macabre" today. Apparently, "Danse Macabre" is French for "WTF did I just watch?"

My son is behind me right now saying "Body parts, body parts..blood." I don't know why, and I'm not turning around to find out.


Want more?

Click here for Volume One, Volume Two and Volume Three.

Click here for my Tweets while on Vicodin... Tweets about celebrities...

...and my Tweets about I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WAS THINKING.


If you're linked to me on Facebook, you may have seen these as well.

If you want to find me in either place, click here.

Twitter at: or you can just click this button:

Find me at Facebook by clicking here:

You've been warned.



A Vapid Blonde said...

I remember the "Body parts, body parts, blood..." tweet and I think I may have snorted as I laughed and then was a little afraid for you.

Anonymous said...

This is why I follow you on Twitter. No one really tweets quite like you do!

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm tearing up here. Such good parenting skills. (sniff)
I can only aspire to be as great.

Just told my 15 year old she will not be getting her license or a car when she turns 16 in April.

Perhaps I should sleep somewhere else.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I am following you on twitter now. :)

Elly Lou said...

For the record, it IS getting kinda hot in here. Next step, Nelly.

SarcasmInAction said...

This almost makes me want to Twitter.
Great stuff!

laughingmom said...

I wouldn't know a tweet from a twit because I thought it was full of people telling me where Ashton and Demi ate lunch. If you are a prime example, I may need to start tooting!

Didactic Pirate said...

I was going to tell you which tweet was my favorite, but it turned out to be a 23-way tie.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Precisely why I nominate you for every twitter award there is. Keep dishing it out man!

Lady Ohlala said...

Hahaha I so hope you'll still be around when they'll be proper teenagers, you know the kind that drink, date, experiment, and above all LIE (preferably to their parents)... maybe you should think now of buying proper cameras, and turn it into a reality show when the time comes? No doubt this would make big cash... And money might make the pain more bearable :p Brilliant tweets, as always.

Unknown said...

We were already friends on facebook, and I got a request to friend you again. I approved it, but now I wonder if it means I'll be reading all your crap twice!

I totally die laughing at your tweets, though! they are awesome. I have no clue how to tweet. Guess I'm too much of a twit!

Anonymous said...

I can remember praying for death or at least a natural disaster for the weeks preceding my daughters school play. They were doing The Sound of Music and I like that movie/musical about as much as I like having a bout of e-coli mixed with a crotch rash.

Ed said...

Your kids are your version of the rubber chicken.

At least they serve SOME purpose for all they put you through.

Alli said...

It always makes me so happy to find another family of weirdos. Keep up the good work!

Doug Stephens said...

That would be pretty cool if we pooped like that.

pattypunker said...

my fave: If someone would have reminded me that - someday - I would have to help my kids do book reports, I totally would have pulled out sooner.

keep em coming!

Mommy Nani Booboo said...

Thank God he was talking about Toy Story.
Thanks for the chuckle, the coffee out my nose, and the occasional fart.

Anonymous said...

I'm a new blogger and just want to say you are my #1 fav to follow. Thanks for all the giggles!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...I needed that laugh! Priceless shit right there...loved it.

Anonymous said...

My daughter is in a beautiful dress for her concert today. She's gorgeous. It almost makes me not regret having children


If someone would have reminded me that - someday - I would have to help my kids do book reports, I totally would have pulled out sooner.

are my favs - cynical and sexy at the same time

wait did i just hit on you. scratch that you're funny man hah ha ..........hah

side note to bra shopping with the daughter - you totally get to feel up all the hottie mannequins

just keep an eye out for hollywood - that sneak always seems to catch me right as im about to stuff my mannequin and ruin our moment.

Vinny C said...

She's right, you know? You two really are made for each other.

meleah rebeccah said...

This is EXACTLY why I follow you on Twitter. You provide endless laughter.

Sandra said...

Isn't "WTF did I just watch?" what we end up saying after every single performance our fricken kids are in?

The Flying Chalupa said...

Oh my god, African American Friday. I'm stealing that. These are damn good tweets. Nuggets of 140 character gold, if you will. I can only aspire to such expressions of love and devotion to my child in a public forum.

Alexandra said...



Just imagine if I drank and did drugs, I'd be all over you.

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