Legit Question

My laptop here at work is literally 7 years old and is pretty dog slow. This is mainly because of my excessive porn collection that has been encrypted and takes up all of my disk space, but whatever.

So I put in a request for a new one recently and have been waiting patiently while simultaneously increasing my encrypted porn collection.

That was, until this morning when I received this from IT:

 Seriously.

I'm not about to go resetting all my passwords for all my work applications, but I'm also a bit hesitant to give this guy my password because, well, it's filthy.

Like, 'sex toy' filthy. But it has special characters and shit in it but the special characters make it look like the sex toy is having relations.

I'm nothing if not creative.

But short of having this guy sign a non-disclosure agreement and submitting himself to a lie detector test, the easier option was to just tell him what the password was. But first I needed to make sure that my password would not find it's way to the hot chick from Human Resources.

By the way, having a hot chick work in HR that you can't hit on is one of the Circles of Hell, I'm pretty sure.

I got this back and then, putting all my trust in Don, replied:

Then I started packing up my stuff because I was pretty sure I was going to be either walked out at any moment, or the HR woman would come and drag me to the lactation room where we would have wild relations.

I live in my own mind.

But, instead, I got this:

PHEW.

Bullet dodged.

Ha. Bullet.

That's a sex toy, too.

Man. Joe Namath must have really done a number on Suzy Kolber's career.

Got this email the other day:

O_O

SUZY KOLBER?!?!?

If you're not a sports fan you're, like, Suzy wha..? But Suzy Kolber is probably one of the most popular female sports announcers on television these days.

This was undoubtedly her proudest moment:



Hey. It's not every day that a really shitfaced NFL legend tries to make out with you during a National Football game even though you're gay.

I know.

I've tried.

I've said too much.

Regardless, I decided to reply to Suzie:

So far I haven't heard back from Suzie.

She's probably taking out a restraining order on Joe Namath.

Or me.

Hey. A Hail Mary pass is a Hail Mary pass.

THIS. IS. GMAIL!!!!

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

If you want to see all the profiles I've done thus far, this is place to start a'clicking.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:

I thought I'd really get some shit for the Wiener one but nothing came.

So many jokes in that one sentence.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

The crazy smiley native guy needs his own talk show

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

If you want to see all the profiles I've done thus far, this is place to start a'clicking.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:

I think my favorite is the kid from "Mask" because that's pretty much what I look like prior to coffee.

Extra bonus points if you got "Doug Henning" correct. Also? YOU'RE SO OLD.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

Thanks for the hint that I need Botox, assholes.

Email:

STOP RUSHING ME, DATING SITE!

Perfect fit.

Email conversation about someone wanting to guest post on this blog:

Haven't heard back yet.

Weird.

I can't believe no one recognizes Kip Winger any more. OH, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN!

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

If you want to see all the profiles I've done thus far, this is place to start a'clicking.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:

I crossed out Joanie because WHAT WAS CHACHI THINKING?!?!?!

The guy just above Kip Winger there came up in the search for "creepy guy pictures" and I think that picture pretty much NAILS IT.

I had a couple of people come up to me at work when I had the Kip Winger one and go, "Who is that? Bon Jovi?"

No. No it's NOT BON JOVI. Kip Winger had way better chest hair.

Regardless, it was a pretty hairy week. A big, hairy week.

That was a Kip Winger joke.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

I think you're fundraising wrong.

I got this email from our 'entertainment committee' at work the other day:

Ah, yes.

Because nothing says 'LET'S CURE DIABETES!' like selling cookies and cake.

I think the next one we're having is a cancer fundraiser where we sell cigarettes and asbestos.

The Girlfriend Chronicles and the happy colon therapy session

My girlfriend, Kerri, sent me this email out of the blue for a Groupon she received:

Ummm....

My reply:

Seriously.

I don't remember ever looking that giddy about something.

My appointment is next Wednesday.

Because nothing says 'construction' like 'sourdough'

Got this email from Amazon:

YES.

Thank you, Amazon.

I know I was looking for a toy chainsaw or wrench set, but this 2" action figure of a boy holding a loaf of bread will do just fine, instead.

...and every week my Human Resource binder grows larger

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

If you want to see all the profiles I've done thus far, this is place to start a'clicking.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:

Running that last Ron Jeremy profile pic was nerve-wracking because you never know what's gonna push Human Resources over the edge. Although, in my defense, if they yelled at me, it meant that they knew who the guy was and - well - touche'.

Regardless, it was a pretty hairy week. A big, hairy week.

That was a Ron Jeremy joke.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

All I know is that I'm totally getting a free credit report now because this is AWESOME

I got a spam email about a credit score blah blah blah who cares but this is what the top of the email looked like:

Typical crap but...

WHY I decided to scroll down to the end I have no idea BUT after the big credit score graphic was THIS which I cut and pasted for your enjoyment. It quite possibly may be the greatest thing you real all year.

AMAZING.

It's like watching someone with ADD and short term memory try to type a form letter. On a side note, I always thought Kelly Ripa and Jeff Goldblum were the same person. It's always nice to have a little validation come your way every so often.

Oh yes, Mister Finance, you've earned my business forever.