Decorating Your Way to Holiday Failure | Mental Poo

Monday, December 27, 2010

Decorating Your Way to Holiday Failure

If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter failure above and beyond realizing that you probably subscribe to this blog and just laughed at the post where I shit myself or was attacked by shampoo and you may or may not have purchased one of my AMAZING COFFEE MUGS (less than $12!!) then may I suggest the following:

Build a gingerbread ANYTHING.

Example #1: The Gingerbread Shanty

My ex-wife was the first to delve into this shitty idea by first trying to build a "Gingerbread Village" with the kids.

I got this picture message from her while they were working on it:

"What the village is supposed 2 look like"

Immediately followed by this picture message:

"Our ghetto village"

Two seconds later, I get this other text from her:

"We were supposed to get 5 houses. instead we got 4 trailers and a tenament house"

And then I died laughing.


Ex or not, she still makes me crack the Hell up.

Example #2: Jimmy the Very Special Choo-Choo

Shortly after, the kids and I, in a fit of my infinite wisdom, tried to build a gingerbread choo-choo train because, well, I thought it would be a good idea and fun and apparently I'm really stupid.

Just before we started, I Tweeted this:

Seriously - I've installed toilet seats that resulted in building evacuations.

Not so handy.

Regardless, here's what it's supposed to look like:

This is what it ended up like:



The resemblance to the box is uncanny.

Then I Tweeted this:

The highlight of the evening, though, was when my kids posed for pictures with the gingerbread pieces.


Nothing like a little bit of Nazi Germany to brighten up your holiday.

Maybe we should have just eaten the things after that instead of trying to decorate them and hearing my kids say things like, "Well..this is just horrible" and "OH NO IT'S FALLING OVER!" over and over again.

I hear that enough during sex.

Happy Holidays to you and your ghetto villagers.

Moog out.


A Vapid Blonde said...

Clearly the little red round pile in the ex's picture is the fire pit that the hobos are supposed to be warming there hands over.

Coffeypot said...

Since duct tape, staples and super glue weren't involved, I think the train turned out okay.

Dazee Dreamer said...

you know, I would think gingerbread houses would be so much cooler if they were made with sugar cookies. just sayin.

Unknown said...

I think it's great that your ex still cracks you up. And all things considered, the train didn't turn out too badly, as long as I don't have to ride on it!

Jon Konrath said...

The nazis originally built those ovens to make gingerbread, and look what happened.

Opto-Mom said...

Choo chooooo! All aboard the orgy train!

The Absence of Alternatives said...

The train came out very well. You should be proud. :-)
The pile of candy is clearly a candy Vag w G spot clearly identified.

Ed said...

The train looks pretty good.

pengboo said...

I think I can.....I think I can...oops, sorry...not enough viagara in the world going to help that orgy train!!

J.J. in L.A. said...

Awesome! Especially your son's gingerbread "salute".

Anonymous said...

At least your wife is still good for something. The monthly payments are worth her derogatory remarks!

You could send a picture to her of your train and tell her it's the train that brings all the trailer trash to her "village".

This was hilarious! I needed a good laugh! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

A GingerBread Shanty Town! I noticed the foreign language on the box. What crazy @ss foreigner came up with this?

Narm said...

That city looks like a raelly impatient pedophile built it.

meleah rebeccah said...

Seriously? I think your gingerbread choo-choo train looks AWESOME!

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I love the train!! The village was awesome too. You should have told her to get little green army men to set up around it for ambiance. :)

We made our first gingerbread house this year. My daughter made a cthulu looking tentacle monster gingerbread man to put out front. LMAO

injaynesworld said...

Funniest goddamn thing I've read maybe ever.

Lisa said...

K, you win for the most original and funniest Christmas act I've seen yet!
LMAO, thanks for that...

Alexandra said...

Moooog, I could never know you in person b/c I'd never get anything done.

And I'd always have pee in my pants. Just a little bit, but enough to be embarrassing.

I do love how you and your wife are still friends. I do.

LiBBy said...

Oh the red nipples on the front are indeed a Freudian mishap. Gives new meaning to the phrase "pulling a train".

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