Don't ask. I don't know why, either.

Sometimes shit just pops into my head and I have to immediately try to make it hastily on my computer using Google and Microsoft Paint and probably way too much of my work day that I should be actually doing, you know, WORK.

This is one of those things.

The movie "The Bourne Legacy" had just come out and I figured Subaru probably missed a golden opportunity to advertise here since they MAKE a car called the Legacy and, well...here you go:


I sent Subaru a Tweet with the picture hoping for some royalties or acknowledgement or maybe a job offer in their art department but got no replies.

They must be busy dodging bullets.

Tropical Storm Isaac, MasterChef reverse-racism, and my most recent brushes with fame

I thought this was appropriate since TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY and all.

My PayPal address is midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com if you want to send me a great big cash gift.

Thanks in advance.

**********************


A couple of cool things happened last week.

FIRST:

If you watch the show, "MasterChef" in the United States then you know that the judges panel is made up of Gordon Ramsey, Graham Elliot and some guy named Joe who is just generally mean to people and bites his fork.

Regardless, during one of the challenges, Graham presented three dishes that he serves in his own restaurant and asked a contestant to recreate one of them in the kitchen. This is how he introduced the dishes:

"This dish was eaten by Oprah Winfrey."

"This dish was ordered by Jay-Z."

"THIS dish..was eaten by President Barack Obama."

..and then a light bulb went off in my head in which I promptly Tweeted this:


Then...just a short time later...

I received THIS email from Twitter:


Yes. Graham Elliot retweeted it to his 39k followers and then I died.

THEN:

Tropical Storm Isaac was in the news all last week, so one morning I Tweeted this to my man-crush Boston Fox 25 Morning News Anchor Gene Lavanchy because they were talking about postponing the Republican National Convention. I also included his co-anchor, Shannon Mulaire, because she's smoking hot:


Then Gene told me via Twitter to 'watch "Mail Call" this morning' which is when they read their viewer input and...

...well...

THIS:


It looked even better on the big screen, people. True story.

Now if someone would just pay me to do this stuff full-time, I'd be all set.

*echo

Besides my employer, I mean.

I should probably do some work.

Moog out.

MadLibs? No. These are MoogLibs.

I took my kids on a couple of road-trip vacations this year, and we usually pass the time by playing "PUNCHBUGGY!" but eventually my kids end up calling 9-1-1 on me so we revert to playing "MadLibs"...that game where you have to fill in the blanks of a story with different types of words.

So I thought I'd give you a little insight as what it's like to play MadLibs in a car with me and my kids. I need to make mention here that my son and I are VERY much alike and, well, this tends to piss off my daughter when every word we give her is 'poop', 'poopy,' 'pooptastic,' 'crap' or some other variation of fecal matter.

For reference in this one, "Payton" is my daughter, "Memere" is what they call their grandmother and the exclamation all squished up there is "Jumping Jahosafat!"

Enjoy.


Awesome.

I've got a lot more like this. Stay tuned.

Poop.

I should probably post this before this isn't a headline anymore

Sometimes shit just pops into my head and I have to immediately try to make it hastily on my computer using Google and Microsoft Paint and probably way too much of my work day that I should be actually doing, you know, WORK.

This is one of those things.

Since the story broke of the Kristen Stewart cheating scandal thingy AND the first part of "Breaking Dawn" I have been kind of leaning towards "Team Edward" lately and, well, here's what I think "Twilight" would have been like had it just started filming now:


..and then I assume he just kills the bitch.

My dog? THE MOST INTERESTING DOG IN THE WORLD. With apologies to that guy from Dos Equis.

I got an email the other day from some pet food place that reminded me that it was one year ago that I adopted my little buddy, Jax.

They included this picture:


I don't know where this pic came from and I'd never seen it before, but I especially love the skin-tight thing he's wearing which is obviously from his days as an exotic dancer.

Regardless, I've taken to a new hobby which is completely taking up all my time at work these days.

(Sssshhhh. Boss doesn't know.)

What I've done is take pictures of him and made my own version of the LOLCat posters.

Here is a batch of them.

Enjoy.











Seriously. It's like all I do now.

SO AWESOME.

If you want to see more, check out the album on my Facebook Page.

Moog and Jax out.

It's almost my birthday. BUY MY DAMN COOKIES.

In lieu of a weekly wrapup, and since it's almost my birthday (wink), I've decided to just go pimp out my new page of cookies over at The Bitter Baking Company.

For those of you who don't remember the story, check out the post that started it all...along with Erin's follow up that, well, cemented the deal.

Amazing.

When you go there, you'll see a "Mental Poo" category which the lovely Erin (I'm guessing here, I have no idea what she looks like) put together to showcase all of the CUSTOM COOKIES she can make for you with slogans written by yours truly.


You can choose from Mother's Day cookies like this:



Or Birthday cookies like this:


Or even relationship cookies, like this:



Awesome, right?

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!

It's like a Segway except you can't ride it and it holds cereal

Once again I spit in the face of getting free stuff.

I get these unsolicited product endorsement things in the email every so often. This one happened to be for something called a "Gyro Bowl" which, quite honestly, sounds like an amazing carnival ride or piece of kick-ass drug paraphernalia:


The link goes to a video here which basically shows a bunch of little shits running around trying to spill stuff on purpose because THAT'S WHAT CHILDREN DO but they can't because Gyro Bowl is there to save the day!

All this in a bowl that takes up only as much space as a small sedan.

My reply:


I've been waiting for, like, a month now and I have not received a reply OR a Gyro Bowl that my dog can actually use.

They must be working on it.

It's too bad, because I think "All About Boners" would have won a Pulitzer

Once in a while I'll get these weird unsolicited requests from a professional writer from a marketing firm to do a guest post on my site that's all about them.

Like this:


Ugh.

First off:

I don't care if you're writing a dissertation on how you have discovered a new life form and that this new species will - once and for all - prove the existence of God himself...

...not a single person is taking your shit seriously if you start the conversation off with, "Howdy."

But I figured, eh, a guest post is a guest post is a day off for me, so I figured I'd take her up on her offer.







I've been wondering how her pitch ended up going, but I haven't heard back from her since.

She's probably off researching boners.

You know how these high-quality article writers can be sticklers for detail.

I'm so glad I don't have that issue.

Moog out.

Some more dirty conversations. Kind of.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The World According to "Draw Something"

If you've read or seen any of my "Draw Something" blog posts, or have seen my full portfolio on my Facebook page, then you know I'm a bit of a collector of sorts from this app.

So I decided to take some of the drawings I have sent or received and create a 'What would the world look like' post comprised of some of these things because, let's face, some people can't draw worth a shit.

I give you:

The World According to "Draw Something"

What our zoos Might Look Like if "Draw Something" Animals were accurately illustrated:



What the "We Are the World" video might look like if "Draw Something" musicians were accurately illustrated:


I realize that John Lennon and Elvis actually qualify as 'zombie musicians' but my post, my rules.

What the Oscar Awards audience might look like if "Draw Something" celebrities were accurately illustrated:


I admit that having Yoda, Jesus and Babe Ruth in the audience is a bit of a stretch, but - then again - if the Kardashian sisters can be branded celebrities, so can a green Muppet from the Dagobah system and a dead baseball player.

I think they'd definitely get good television ratings, though. Especially if Sharon Stone pulls off the leg-cross move as illustrated above.

Because shitting all over Kristen Stewart is all the rage this week

Unusual Saturday post for me but I figured 'what the Hell' and 'I should probably post this while it's still timely' and 'I should really cut my toenails.'

I might have ADD.

Regardless, I made this the other day for absolutely no other reason than Kristen Stewart was on the headlines of my Comcast home page and I was pretty bored at work.

Enjoy.

If "Twilight" Was Filmed Today"


They might have to change the rating, methinks.

Feel free to Pin it or share it or Tweet it or whatever. Just give me credit.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Except you, Kristen Stewart.

Such a bitch.

The Urinal Cake that Loved Me

Was watching the news the other day when they ran this story:


"DETROIT (AP) — Michigan hopes to keep drunks off the road with the help from a special message in men's bathrooms featuring an attention-getting woman's voice.

A recorded message will play reminding men who step up to the urinals to call a cab or a friend, if needed, to get home safely."

This prompted this Tweet to my local news anchor and man-crush, Gene Lavanchy:


Then I started thinking how awesome it would be if I could figure out how to do that, and what other things I would make the urinal cake say as you started peeing on it.

"Hey. Did you have asparagus yesterday?"

"You should probably have that mole checked out."

"You complete me."

"nom nom nom nom nom nom nom"

*just some gargling noises

"How YOU doin?"

"Your urine reeks of broken dreams."

"Hahahaha. With that thing you better hope she really likes your personality."

"This urinal will self-destruct in 3...2..."

"I know you don't want to hear this right now, but your parents are ashamed of you."

"Your pee is luke warm. Just like your chances with the girl you're hitting on."

"Psssst. Kiss me. I'm really a beautiful princess."

I'm just wondering how many really drunk guys would fall for that last one.

Aside from me, I mean.