I'm assuming HR also has a profile on me as well

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

Here is the first post of what I did the first few weeks of having the new Google mail at work.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:





















GAH.

On that last one, I had to chat with someone who sat over in the next row and she yelled, "OH MY GOD IS THAT BRITNEY?!"

Score.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it. Double points if your company is also hiring because I'm pretty sure my next one of Ron Jeremy is gonna get me canned.

Thanks in advance.

50 Shades of...what? --- part 2

Well, creating new titles and book covers for a "50 Shades of Grey" series seems to be consuming my time.

If you live in a cave and have no idea what "50 Shades of Grey" is, or if you haven't seen my first round of covers, click here.

Here are a couple of more...suggested by my readers and brought to life by yours truly.

You're welcome.

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If you look closely, you can see that Skeletor is wearing nipple clamps.

It's all in the details, people. All in the details.


Well there you go.

Looking back on my childhood, I think the He-Man cover really surprises no one.

50 Shades of what?

Right now the hottest book on the planet is '50 Shades of Grey' which is part of some trilogy that my girlfriend is reading and has the apparent side effect of making women really really horny so I'd like to ask the author TO KEEP MAKING THESE BOOKS PLEASE and thankyouverymuch.

*ramps up cardio training

If you're unfamiliar with the book, I pulled this off wikipedia to give you an idea of what's inside:

"It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM"

For those unfamiliar with it, "BDSM" stands for "bondage/discipline/submission (or sadism)/masochism." For those who ARE familiar with it, call me.

Being bored as I normally am, I decided to take this idea and run with it..and create some NEW BOOK ideas that borrow from the name and theme.

I hope you enjoy them.

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On a side note, I would totally read any of these books.

Especially the Grey's Anatomy one if it was illustrated and Katherine Heigl hadn't been killed off in it yet.

"Man buys Axe Body Wash, Waits for Orgy"

I use Axe Body Wash regularly for a couple of reasons but mainly it's because their marketing department still has me sold on the fact that if I use it, hordes of women will just jump all over me because it contains pheremones or something (I am not a scientist).

Plus, I have coupons.

So this is an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend, Kerri, while in a store browsing the display of available Axe products:

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Kerri (picking up one of the bottles): "Here...try this one for a change."

Me (reaching for my usual 'Axe - Music' scent): "HELLO? No. I don't think so."

Kerri (confused look): "Um. Ohhhkay. Why not?"

I then proceed to turn all the bottles of Axe around and point to them one at a time.


Then..I turn over the bottle of 'Axe Music' I'm holding in my hand:



*throws it in basket

Kerri: "Oh for chrissakes."

There's a science to this, people. A SCIENCE.

It just doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe I need to use more of it.

I wish I had more coupons.

Because every dad wants a cookie for Father's Day that mentions spanking

In lieu of a Weekly Wrap-Up this week, I'd like to simply bring attention to the fact that the lovely and talented Erin over at The Bitter Baking Company has put out.

Her line of Father's Day cookies.

See how important proper punctuation is there, people? You thought for a second that Erin gave up her flower instead of a tasty cookie product.

The more you know.

Regardless, you can also find MY VERY OWN LINE of Father's Day Cookies that are both delicious AND vicious.

Like these little ditties:


or this one:



Awesome, right?

Also, Erin has her very own Father's Day cookies which are, in my honest opinion, also very awesome. There are also cookies for almost every other occasion you can think of.

Head over to Bitter Baking Company and order yours today!

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!

This is how I keep myself entertained at work

A while ago, I sent out this Tweet:


Some people think I make that shit up but - in my defense - I'm pretty sure I'm borderline certifiably insane so just to prove it to you, well..

Here you go.


I'm so glad people here have a sense of humor.

Word.

Draw Something - The Celebrity Files

If you have the app "Draw Something" then you know how addicting it can be and - well - interesting, to say the very least.

If you don't have it, it's basically "Pictionary" where you have to draw a word and your opponent must guess it.

Sometimes this is easy. Sometimes it is not. Most times mine start with a sketch of boobies. It's what you get for playing with me.

Today I bring you some pictures that I've collected from my "Draw Something" games.

The theme today:

Drawings of Celebrities.

Enjoy.

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You're singing it now, aren't you.

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I like how I nailed the expression on Oprah's face and her double-chin and Tom Cruise's exuberance.

It's almost like a photograph, really.

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The answer here was "SEAL."

One of the guys I play against sent this and I'm honestly not sure why he included the words to a song because WHAT MAN LISTENS TO SEAL FOR CHRISSAKES but I finally figured it out after shuffling the letters, like, 45 times.

Then I realized it was actually a pretty good likeness.

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RIGHT?!

So lifelike, it's almost like you're watching the music video.

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It's at this point I'm realizing that I have absolutely no idea how to draw black people.

They either look like brown mannequins from Target or 1940's segregation caricatures.

****************

Shhh.

If you listen closely, you can almost hear the crowd screaming.

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I think this one is really accurate.

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This one is my favorite because it depicts one of my favorite pictures of Britney Spears AND was drawn totally from memory which, when you think about it, is honestly very very creepy.

I can live with that.

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Want more?

Check out my other "Draw Something" post: "Draw Something - Child Files Edition"

Wrapping up the Week - May 13th, 2012

Before I start today, I'd just like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Mother's Day.

Including mine who - and this is no lie - I don't know what I'd do without.

Love you, mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Okay, okay. Enough schmoop.

ONWARD.

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Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...
My Posts from this Week:

My bromance with Boston Fox News anchor, Gene Lavanchy, continues.

I don't know where this weill lead but I like it!

Episode 2 of "With Words with Friends Like These, Who Needs Words with Enemies?"

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:


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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':


Sexual Harassment training?!?! COUNT ME IN!

Not like I need the training, but I never shrug my shoulders at getting new tips.

I compiled a list of the best captions for my bicep surgery scar!

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':


And I wonder why Janet doesn't email me any more.

Pen meets poop. Film at eleven.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo


I miss you, Bob. I miss you so much.

*flexes fingers

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Four Years Ago this week on Mental Poo


Saran Wrap: Not just for collecting stool samples any more!

..and then...the horror of all horrors:

I WENT TO MISSISSIPPI.

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Self pimping for the week:

Don't forget that yours truly NOW HAS HIS VERY OWN LINE OF COOKIES over at The Bitter Baking Company!!

Head over to Erin's site and grab yourself some deliciously vicious cookies today!

Thanks!!

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

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With Words with Friends like these, who needs Words with Enemies? - Part 2

Like the rest of the modern world I'm hooked on "Words with Friends" because being able to look at a board that includes "anal," "nuns,""spank" and "whore" just makes me smile for some reason.

But more often than not I find that my letter tiles shuffle into some pretty interesting things themselves.

My first episode of this series turned out to be pretty successful so I figured we'd keep it rolling.

Enjoy.

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Because nothing says 'hot' like a guy with a 'titebod' and 'dethass.'


OH LADIIIIIEES!


As in, "If you keep going with the nutlix, be prepared for some Rodglue."


*THUD


It's like a mystery. What do I tell the gays?

Oh..um...


I don't think I'll telgays that. Next thing I know, they'll all be wanting to give me nutlix because of my titebod.

The stress of being me, people.

The stress of being me.

******************

Trust me..there are more where these came from.

If you're my friend on Facebook or if you follow me on Twitter, look me up for a game.

Don't leave all these spanked nuns out in the cold.

If Gene Lavanchy wasn't considering a restraining order before, he's probably dialing up the cops right now

A little while ago I professed a bromance between myself and a local Fox 25 News Anchor named Gene Lavanchy.

It was borderline creepy, I have to admit - but what completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants, completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love wants so who am I to call this 'wrong.'

I just scared myself a little there.

Regardless, Gene and I still go back and forth on Twitter so he really has no one else to blame for this but himself.

Enjoy some more of our repartee.

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Before I get rolling, I have to mention Gene's co-host, Shannon Mulaire, who is pretty hot and can certainly play with the big boys when it comes to dishing it back.

Case in point:


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Then they did a fluff piece where there would be a parallel-parking competition between the morning hosts.


Notice he cc'd Shannon on that one.

That-a-boy, Gene.

That-a-boy.

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Then in February we had received approximately 1/2" of snow here in New England which is typically 999-1/2" less than usual so the weather woman, Cindy, was talking about the uncommonly mild weather.

Please note that around mid-conversation here, Gene actually reads my Tweet on the air.


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Then?

VALENTINE'S DAY.



*********************
One of the top stories on this day was about someone posting a video on YouTube of two girls totally beating the bejeezus out of each other for, like, 5 minutes. I know. AWESOME.

But the topic at hand was how outrageous it was for all the people surrounding the fight to continue filming but not try to stop it.

And thus begins Gene and I's transgression:



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For some reason the Boston Bruins goalie, Tim Thomas, went off on a month-long anti-Obama thing and that's all that anyone could talk about on the news.


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HEADLINE: "JetBlue pilot goes crazy mid-flight. Passengers subdue him."


Then I found out later on that Gene actually read that on-air but I missed it.

So this followed:


Yes.

Now I know.

HOWEVER, I did NOT miss this on-air mention when the main story was how a local elementary school wanted to change the lyrics to that song, "I'm Proud to be an American" from "God bless the USA" to "I love the USA."


Cheesy, I know.

But I do what I can.

In a completely harmless and fully heterosexual man-love kind of way, of course.

*************************
UPDATE!

This happened just this morning:

Fox was doing a story on how the CIA foiled another 'Underwear Bomb Plot' by Al Qaida.