A Halloween Pictorial - Mental Poo style

First: Happy Halloween.

Second: Happy birthday to whoever this "Sam Hain" guy is.

17th: I can't count sequentially.

Today is Halloween and I didn't have a post scheduled but thought I'd share with you a couple of SCARY pictures that have posted up on my Facebook page.

Boo.

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This first one was taken at a Halloween store where my son and I decided to don these giant Romney/Obama masks and duke it out.

Looks like Obama isn't even paying attention.

Typical.

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This one was taken last week when, after a workout, I noticed that even my chest sweat was getting into the Halloween spirit:

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Then Hurricane Sandy hit and I lost power so the kids and I sat around in my living room by the fireplace with our flashlights and told spooky stories.

Even my dog, Jax, got in on it and really pulled off the 'flashlight under the chin' to ramp up the SPOOKY effect of his storytelling:

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Of course, my kids went back to my ex-wife's house during the power outage because SHE had power at my old house.

This left me alone in my bedroom with just me, my spooky dog, and a flashlight that I used as a source of..

..um..

..light.

WTF.

Right.

Like being alone in a house without power during a hurricane isn't scary enough. I have to have "Evil Flashlight Face" projected on my ceiling to keep me company.

Awesome.

Happy Halloween!!

..and the" Family Circus" Redux marches on..

Bite me, Billy.

AGAIN.

I recently asked people what their favorite posts of mine were and several of you noted that it was my skewed take on that ridiculously terrible comic strip, "The Family Circus."

If you've missed my other episodes of this, you can find them here.

This time, though, I'm sparing you the pain of what the original comic said because see 'ridiculously terrible comic strip' comment above...

..so you just get my newly edited ones.

Enjoy.

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There.

That's better.

I suppose the next time you'll hear from me, it will be from jail due to Copyright infringement or some shit.

Fuck it. Totally worth it.

Take that, Billy!

Moog out.

Scar Wars - Episode VI: Return of the Stupid Pooh Bear Mug SONOFABITCH

So on Monday I started describing all my physical deformations, elephantitis of the wiggly not withstanding.

When we last left off, I was in the middle of describing my approximately 4,000 deformations caused from surgeries and brittleness and just generally being old as fuck.

Let's continue.



The Scars:

13) I used to cook at a raquetball club and - one day - I was slicing some turkey on the deli slicer when the turkey went "flooop!" off the back side of the slicer.

So, being the brain surgeon I was/am, I reached to get it.

That's when the STILL SPINNING BLADE on the deli slicer went nicely into my pinky..splattering blood on the wall and giving me a 1-inch scar.

I hate turkey.

14) I was about 20 and spending the week at the beach - which meant I was hammered pretty much constantly.

I hopped off my motorcycle while wearing shorts and promptly seared my naked calf against my exhaust pipe leaving a nice round area on my leg that won't grow hair.

Looks so cool.

15) Back before I was married I was living with my soon-to-be-wife in an apartment when one day she broke a Disney Winnie-the-Pooh mug.

Thinking nothing of it, I threw the mug - unwrapped - into the trash.

That is what we call 'foreshadowing,' people.

A short time later I pulled the bag out of the barrel.

I could hear the mug roll from the top of the trash, along the inside of the bag, and heard it tear through the bottom of the bag just before the jagged end of the mug dug into my bare foot.

This has the effect of dropping me flat on my ass with a 1-inch gash in my foot.

I wanted to put a bandaid on it, but my then-girlfriend insisted we go to the emergency room for stitches.

It was while I was on the table trying not to kick the doctor in the face for STICKING A NEEDLE IN MY FOOT that he ran his finger along the inside of my arch.

No feeling.

I had severed a nerve.

To this day? NO feeling in that foot from the inside of my arch up to my big toe.

I wonder if it's too late to sue Disney.

Scar Wars - Episode V: The Scalpel Strikes Back

When we last left off, I was in the middle of describing my approximately 4,000 deformations caused from surgeries and brittleness and just generally being old as fuck.

Let's continue.



The Scars:

7) This little ditty was from my herniated disc surgery that I needed because it ruptured causing sciatica SO BAD that I had no choice but to write a post that included stick pictures of me trying to go poop.

You're welcome.

8) This scar is BY FAR my favorite and the direct result from surgery needed after tearing my bicep while curling the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

I wish.

This is the scar I am most proud of because it's huge and ginormous and basically gave me enough fodder for these blog posts:

- My MRI pictures resemble..well...just read it. It's messed up. Duh.

- You might want to sit down for this.

- Some creative tattoo ideas I came up with to cover my 8-inch long scar.

Also? It's wicked gross looking. So there's that.

9) This little 1/4" scar came from sitting down in my friend's chair at his house when one of those little hobby-type X-Acto knives came shooting down, stabbing me right in the fat of my thumb.

Shit like that happens to me all the time. It's why I can't have nice things.

10 & 11) I got a vasectomy a while ago and if you look really really closely you can see two little scars right there on my nutsack.

Closer.

Clooooooooser.

Clooooooooooooooser.

Meh. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

12) I totally shattered my hand during karate. TWICE.

It's shit like this that makes me wonder why I try to do anything physical AT ALL.

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Next Episode: Scar Wars - Episode VI: Return of the Stupid Pooh Bear Mug SONOFABITCH

Scar Wars - Episode IV: A New Gash

As I recently turned the magical age of 44 recently, I began contemplating my body during one of my 15 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night and I should probably have my prostate checked now that I'm thinking about that.

Sorry. At this age your mind wanders.

Regardless, I was thinking about all the goddamn surgeries I've had since my body started to reject itself on or around the age of 40.

And? HOLY SHITBALLS.

To make this easier for you to digest, I've taken the liberty of cataloging all my visible scars with a little synopsis (or link to the story I wrote about) of each one.

You may notice in the diagram a bit of an exaggeration.

I don't have that much hair in real life.



The Scars:

1) Eye'm stupid

This little ditty is about about 1/2" long and directly above my eye.

I got it when I was in the gym doing tricep pushdowns from an overhead pulley, and just completely released the bar for no reason other than I'm a fucking moron. The weight attached to the cable shot down, flinging the metal v-shaped bar straight up into my head narrowly missing my amazingly green sexy eyes by a mere fraction of an inch.

And then I stumbled away bleeding like stuck pig.

Not embarrassing AT ALL.

2) Earring divot

You can read about my awesome earring adventure here, which happened - oh - way back in like 1989 but I still have the little hole in my ear that makes people look at me and, go..

"Um. Dude. Do you have an EARRING?"

3) And the thyroglossal duct cyst said, "Got any grapes?"

When I was little I had a lump in my throat and my crack pediatrician told my mother it was just my Adam's Apple.

Upon second opinion, the lump actually ended up being a cyst that eventually would have choked me to death..probably saving me from a life of further scarring, now that I think of it.

Back then, there was no such thing as a 'malpractice suit' otherwise my butler would be typing this shit out for me.

4/5) The Cold Shoulder

After years of getting cortisone shots in my shoulder for a calcium deposit I decided to just have the doctor go in and clean that sucker out.

I listed this as '4/5' because I have scars on both the front and back of my shoulder from this surgery and also having a total of 15 scars seems pretty badass.

One of the last things I remember him saying is, "Someday we will probably have to do this for the other shoulder."

My other shoulder clicks now.

SONOFABITCH.

6) WTF

I had this weird pink dot growing on my bicep.

Me: "What is it?"
Doc: "I have no idea. Let's remove it and send it to the lab."

Thus, the scar from the removal and subsequent butchering of the incision.

Doc: "We have the results back from the lab."
Me: "Give it to me straight, doc. What is it?"
Doc: "They have NO idea."

The lab had no idea. None.

I'm guessing conjoined twin. At least that's what I've been putting on my resume.

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Next Episode:

Scar Wars - Episode V: The Scalpel Strikes Back

Bitter Baking Company - A Little Bitch in Every Batch

Your choices of cookies from MY VERY OWN LINE of treats over at The Bitter Baking Company just got WAY more betterer.

As opposed to my grammar. Obviously.

For those of you who don't remember the story, check out the post that started it all...along with Erin's follow up that, well, cemented the deal.

Amazing.

When you go there, you'll see a "Mental Poo" category which the lovely Erin (I'm guessing here, I have no idea what she looks like) put together to showcase all of the CUSTOM COOKIES she can make for you with slogans written by yours truly.


Well, according to Erin my cookies have been FLYING off the shelves at a rate of nearly one cookie every once in a while, so in light of such amazing success we've decided to EXPAND the line to include "Divorce" cookies as well as throw in some new cookies in the "Romance" category.

DIVORCE COOKIES

Know someone going through a divorce or bitter breakup? How about pamper them with some heartfelt cookies like these?









ROMANCE COOKIES

In the mood to spread a little romance via tasty treat? Of course you are. Send that special someone one of these timeless classics:








They just tug at the heartstrings, don't they?

I can fully attest that the cookies are all hand-made by Erin and wicked good and totally worth it because (a) you'll make someone laugh and (b) Erin and I get money.

I see this as a win-win.

Enjoy your cookies and thanks for the order!!

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UPDATE:

By sheer coincidence, The Indy Girls actually wrote a Spotlight Post on The Bitter Baking Company and GUESS WHO IS MENTIONED IN IT.

*wink

Go read it. It's actually pretty cool. Then buy cookies. Don't forget to do THAT.

All I know is that I'm totally getting a free credit report now because this is AWESOME

I got a spam email about a credit score blah blah blah who cares but this is what the top of the email looked like:

Typical crap but...

WHY I decided to scroll down to the end I have no idea BUT after the big credit score graphic was THIS which I cut and pasted for your enjoyment. It quite possibly may be the greatest thing you real all year.

AMAZING.

It's like watching someone with ADD and short term memory try to type a form letter. On a side note, I always thought Kelly Ripa and Jeff Goldblum were the same person. It's always nice to have a little validation come your way every so often.

Oh yes, Mister Finance, you've earned my business forever.

I'm so romantic it makes me want to plagiarize shit

Today is October 17th which represents the 2-year anniversary of when my girlfriend, Kerri, and I met on Match.com which is a story in itself and involves Susan Boyle.

True story.

Regardless, to show how much Kerri means to me I sometimes go crazy romantic and post shit on her Facebook page.

Like this.

Happy dating anniversary, honey.

Love,

Steve Perry

The tasteless entertainment of my colleagues continues. Thank you, Google.

A while ago at work we switched our email from Microsoft Outlook to Google Mail and one of the greatest things about it besides it's distinct lack of usability is that you can modify your profile.

Every week I change my profile picture on my work account.

Here is the first and second posts of what I did the first few weeks of having the new Google mail at work.

People here have actually seemed to enjoy the changes, so here's some more of what people have been getting to see when they contact me:




















Personally I like how I managed to get Davey from that old Christian television show "Davey and Goliath" and Hugh Hefner together in the same month. Totally going to Hell.

I'm changing these up, like, twice a week so if you have any recommendations I'd appreciate it.

Thanks in advance.

MoogLibs #4 - The Final Countdown to a Crappy Honeymoon

I think I'm going to make this a continuing topic since the first one went over so well.

I took my kids on a couple of road-trip vacations this year, and we usually pass the time by playing MadLibs...that game where you have to fill in the blanks of a story with different types of words.

So I thought I'd give you a little insight as what it's like to play MadLibs in a car with me and my kids. I need to make mention here that my son and I are VERY much alike and, well, this tends to piss off my daughter when every word we give her is 'poop', 'poopy,' 'pooptastic,' 'crap' or some other variation of fecal matter.

We have a twofer today, people.

One of these is about the Space Shuttle program, and the other is about great honeymoon spots. I edited them for content to weed out the best parts.

Enjoy.




Awesome.

I've got a lot more like this. Stay tuned.

Poop.

Voices in my head and kielbasa software

I have a love/hate relationship with the software developers where I work.

You see, my job is to find bugs (flaws) in pre-released software and report them to software developers so they can fix it before it goes out.

Yes. I'm responsible for product quality. I DO see the irony in this.

Case in point, this IM conversation between me and one of them - Larry - recently, where I had to tell him that a bug I approved as 'fixed' was actually still broken:


Larry didn't seem amused at that.

Go figure.

Shortly afterwards, though, I had a bug to look at where I needed to test the Polish language version to see if it was right.

I'm not Polish.

I don't speak Polish.

Hence, this:


Then he assigned the bug to some guy in Poland to see if it was fixed, clearing the way for me to write this post because that would have taken up, like, 15 minutes of my time.

Small miracles, people.

My teenage self was Frodo Baggins' doppleganger

I was showing my daughter some old pictures of myself from way back in the day (*cough - 80's - *cough) when she said this:

"Oh my God. You look JUST LIKE Frodo Baggins."

Which is awesome because that is exactly the look I was going for back then because Elijah Wood was, like, 3.

Then I looked a little harder and, well...you be the judge. I've taken the liberty of doing the side-by-side comparisons for you.

You decide.

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Granted, I look a little happier than Frodo in that one and not really sure why because this photo was taken from my High School Senior Banquet where I accepted the award for "Shortest Male in the Class."

FML.

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I would have made a terrible Frodo.

I'm not even looking where we're going for Chrissakes.

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I think this is the one that seals the fact that I'd be able to be a stunt double for Frodo back in the day.

Also, before you ask, I have NO idea wtf I'm wearing for underwear there but I can tell you that what is inside is definitely considered my precious.

Moog Frodo out.

The DumbECard Project

A while ago a friend of mine, Ross Cavins, wrote a book called "Follow the Money" which - believe it or not - I actually read AND did a review on even though there was no porn scenes or 8"x10" pictures included in the envelope that he shipped it to me in.

Jerk.

Regardless, Ross is doing a number of projects - one of which is a new site called "DumbECards" - which is similar to "SomeECards" and "MoreECards" and "EvenMoreECardsThanSomeECards" EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT...

(suspenseful pause)

I'm writing some of the cards.

Here's a sample of what you'll get from me if you go to the DumbECards site:

I will be adding cards regularly, as will Ross and Davenport (the other contributor on the site) and will be surely pimping that shit out on my Facebook page and Twitter feeds.

In the meantime, go check out DumbECards and feel free to share any you find there yourself.

You can consider it 'reading.'

I certainly do.