I'VE MOVED

Thank you for visiting Mental Poo.

Feel free to browse around Mental Poo, but PLEASE NOTE that I have moved my Internet residence over to RodneyLacroix.com.

That's right, I have a dot-com now so nothing can stand in my way of world domination except my own laziness and lack of funding.

Head over to RodneyLacroix.com and check out all the cool crap.

You can even subscribe to my newsletter where I can spam your email account. It's so annoying.

Thanks and see you over there!

"Romantic as Hell" is AVAILABLE and oh, look, I made a video!

If you've been living in a cave then congrats on figuring out how to get decent wi-fi in the wilderness.

If you haven't, then you know my latest literary creation, Romantic as Hell, has finally gone on sale!

As of August 20th, you can get it at these locations:


Amazon - Paperback

Amazon - Kindle

Barnes and Noble - Paperback

RCG Publishing - links to all versions PLUS signed copies

So far I've gotten 31 reviews in the 4 days it's been released. That's seriously awesome and I can't thank all you guys enough.

Go grab yourself a copy, please, and then make sure you throw your reviews up (good, bad or ugly) because that's all I have left, really.

Thanks!

To repay you, here is the OFFICIAL "Romantic as Hell" book trailer, because nothing says 'Romance' like ripping off Blair Witch, ammiright?

Enjoy!

ERMAGERD and an apology

Hey everyone.

First, I need to apologize for getting you guys all excited and posting for, like, 3 weeks straight and then disappearing again.

I'm like that mysterious man in your life who has a wife and only spends time with you when his wife is visiting her mom.

Don't ask me how I know that.

I apologize for being so unattainable as of late, but I have been diligently working and reworking "Romantic as Hell" to make it - and I say this with all the sincerity of someone who wants to sell a billion copies of this - the best book EVER.

EVER.

I'm talking "Better than the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series" good.

That said - I'm working with the PDF proof of the book as we speak, which is the LAST iteration I get to see before it goes to print. PRINT, people. PRINT.

So, yes. It's coming very soon.

Just like I do when the wife is visiting her mom.

I should probably stop typing now.

Whoa.

So, turns out I have some pretty high-profile backers of my upcoming book. I just got Justin Guarini to endorse "Romantic as Hell" and my boner hasn't gone done since I've received his quote.

I'm not gay, just really excited.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

If - for some reason - you have no clue who Justin Guarini is click here.

I also highly suggest you follow him on Twitter because he is hysterical.

If you STILL don't know who he is, feel free to watch this:



You're welcome.

That said, check out the marketing sleeve I made for "Romantic as Hell" - Coming soon to an Amazon near you.

That sounds weird.

Special thanks to EVERYONE who has been helping me with this project. You know who you are and I love you all in the sensitive bits. You complete me.

Romantic as Hell COVER REVEAL!

Well, it's getting closer to release time (that's what he said), so here you go...

The officially almost-final cover of "Romantic as Hell"

Stay tuned for presale info and the final release date COMING SOON!!!

What do you guys think?

The Humiliation of Jax - Volume 1

Let me start this off by saying that I love my dog.

Let me follow that up by also saying that I will not be surprised if, one day, my dog up and kills me while I sleep.

You see, we love putting things on Jax's head.

I don't know how this started, or why, but it seems like whenever there is something we find that isn't bolted to the ground or so heavy that it will kill him, we put it on his head.

Without further ado, I give you some prime examples of why, exactly, my dog probably really hates me.

This one we call, Sir Jaxham Hat:

Here is what my dog would look like as a Swedish girl with pigtails:

KHALEESI!

This is actually a pretty good job he's doing of balancing while plotting my demise:

Took him SO LONG to guess this Headbanz clue. Man, we made so much of him after this:

Like a reverse Jonah:

PETA is probably going to give me shit after this, but people pay good money for stone massages, right?

This is what Jax would look like as an elephant, probably:

'Sup.

..and then we crossed Jax with a Yak and got a Jak:

I love this one:

Who says my puppy doesn't know how to party?

He had the biggest St. Patrick's Day hangover after this one:

SuperJax. Guardian of the Household:

Yes.

I have more.

Stay tuned.

That is, if he hasn't killed me before I post them.

Beckham can bend my shiny white ass

By the time you read this, I will have coached my first kids U12 (Under 12) soccer game of the season.

I fucking hate soccer.

HATE IT.

The only reason I'm coaching is because (a) no one else would step up to coach, (b) there are some pretty hot soccer moms on the team this year and I look good and (c) see (a). Parents suck.

This is the second season I've had to do this. Last season, I was 'assistant coach' but the 'regular coach' didn't really do anything but she's a woman and you can't say anything about a woman stepping up her game because then the totally shut down the V on you.

I hope my wife isn't reading this.

This season, she decided to not 'coach' so, unfortunately, I was the only one. Keep in mind we have 22 kids on the team and I'm the ONLY person to step up and coach. This really sucks - especially when two of the kids on the team literally flap their hands as they run down the field. Like birds. Little soccer birds. Little soccer birds who can't score or defend for shit.

I cry sometimes.

Not really knowing or liking the game can be a big disadvantage when you're, you know, coaching it.

If you're in this boat, I've created some handy-dandy skills you can use during practices. The last practice we had was actually run by a semi-pro and I just tagged along. By 'tagged along' I mean 'tried to understand wtf he was saying because he was Irish or Scottish.'

Ever single thing the guy said made me want to fertilize my lawn. I'm pretty sure he also said "Blarney Blarney" a lot.

That said, here you go. Good luck, you poor bastards.

Jury Doodie

My wife has jury duty today.

This is, like, the 5th time she's been called to appear for jury duty.

I'm 46 years old and have never been called. Not once.

Although, I may have - because I tend to throw away everything that looks like junk mail unless it's from Publisher's Clearing House because someone has to win, right? Exactly.

Related: I am subscribed to 400 different magazines.

In New Hampshire, they apparently require you to show up on FOUR CONSECUTIVE MONDAYS to see if you'll be needed. This is great because the courthouse is about an hour away and they pay you $20 for the day so it's like getting a raise.

I should probably switch careers.

So we woke up in the morning and my ADD was in full-force trying to get sex by suggesting I 'yell at her foreman in the boat,' 'finger the defendant' or give her 'my oral argument.' Then she rolled out of bed and I kept thinking of things because that's what I do.

But before she left, we tried to think of some ways she could get out of her jury duty altogether.

1) What to Wear

We had 3 surgical masks lying on the kitchen table because we didn't have kids this weekend and we like to get our freak on. As such, I suggested that my wife show up like this:

Personally, I didn't like the mask that was attached over my mouth because you couldn't see the buck teeth I was making. She nixed this idea, primarily because the masks were no longer sanitary from the night before.

We have zero shame.

My next suggestion was something like this:

Simple, yet understated, this was also nixed because we couldn't find the shoulder pads.

Sadly, I discovered them after she left at the bottom of our bed.

Like I said, ZERO SHAME.

2) How to Act:

Some of my suggestions on what she should do while she was waiting included:

• Selling copies of my books
• Shooting people with imaginary guns
• Flipping a coin while saying 'guilty,' 'not guilty,' 'SHUT UP SHUT UP'

3) The texting

Well, none of that worked so she was stuck in a room with a bunch of people. That's when she started texting me non-stop. It's 8:53 AM on a Monday as I write this and she's been seriously texting me without any breaks and it's really putting a cramp on me pretending to do work.

Case in point:

Seriously. It's quite threatening even though I look really good in it.

Because when it comes to looking good in photos, I'm guilty as charged.

Had to throw that in there.

Cake Boss

*deep voice*

I have a special set of skills.

Skills I have honed over, like, a year or something.

My skills suck.

Unless we're talking about designing pictures for birthday cakes. Then my skills approach mediocre-status.

I'm not sure how this all started, but with the advent of grocery store bakeries being able to take any picture and put it on a cake, my entire world opened up. Food tasted better. Colors were more vibrant. The air smelled cleaner.

I cling to the stupid things in life.

What these bakeries can do is to take any picture you give them, turn it into some kind of edible photo, and lie it on a cake.

Oh, Christ. I hope it's edible. Maybe I should read the instructions.

Nah. I've already eaten 14 of these pictures and haven't died ye-







I'll continue.

So I've started, instead, to design my own pictures for birthday cakes for the kids.

It all started with my son's birthday a few years ago. We were at the beach and he had an ice cream. I snapped a photo of him making the most ridiculous face with it.

On a side note, immediately after taking the photo, the ice cream fell off his cone and onto the ground and laughter ensued for the next 20 minutes or so.

I took that photo and, since we had both just become black belts, came up with this for his cake:

I cannot love this picture enough.

FYI, when singing 'happy birthday' and you put a cake in front of someone with this picture on it, the reaction is truly magical.

Next up was my daughter's birthday, and she was into Star Trek at the time, so....

I think this came out quite stunning.

Fast-forward one year where Star Trek took a back seat to her liking a goth band named "Black Veil Brides" and this is what I came up with:

Yes. That's black icing.

This is what it's like having an emo teen, by the way.

Then it was my step-daughter's turn and OH I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHAT SHE WAS INTO.

I honestly wish she'd let it go.

See what I did there?

I STILL GOT IT.

BUT...the king of all cakes made it's appearance last weekend.

My stepson, turning 10.

What does my stepson enjoy?

Pugs and Narwhals.

Yes.

Pugs. And. Narwhals.

On a side note, my wife had no idea that narwhals were real animals up until about a month ago, just in case you're wondering what kind of education you need to be a dental hygienist.

Love you, babe.

So, with pugs and narwhals in mind, this is what he got on his cake:

His face, on a pug's body, riding a narwhal.

GENIUS.

Also magical is the reaction of his grandmother when she saw the cake and was all, 'the fuck is that?'

I'll tell you what the fuck it is:

MAGICAL.

Want one? I'm available for parties. Price negotiable.

Enabling my Twitter fetish, one book at a time

Well, today is the day that "The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets" goes on sale!

You can get your copy right here.

I managed to squeeze my way into the book by making some Tweets that were somehow deemed worthy of publicizing to more than my 5 followers on Twitter.

Like this one:

That said, you'll also find a shit-ton of other really funny people making their own Tweets about parenthood and why you'd probably be best to avoid becoming a parent if you're not one already.

Go get it.

Also, I already got paid for my input so I get no future royalties by asking you to buy the book. It's THAT funny.

I may need to restructure my contract for the next one.

Legit Question

My laptop here at work is literally 7 years old and is pretty dog slow. This is mainly because of my excessive porn collection that has been encrypted and takes up all of my disk space, but whatever.

So I put in a request for a new one recently and have been waiting patiently while simultaneously increasing my encrypted porn collection.

That was, until this morning when I received this from IT:

 Seriously.

I'm not about to go resetting all my passwords for all my work applications, but I'm also a bit hesitant to give this guy my password because, well, it's filthy.

Like, 'sex toy' filthy. But it has special characters and shit in it but the special characters make it look like the sex toy is having relations.

I'm nothing if not creative.

But short of having this guy sign a non-disclosure agreement and submitting himself to a lie detector test, the easier option was to just tell him what the password was. But first I needed to make sure that my password would not find it's way to the hot chick from Human Resources.

By the way, having a hot chick work in HR that you can't hit on is one of the Circles of Hell, I'm pretty sure.

I got this back and then, putting all my trust in Don, replied:

Then I started packing up my stuff because I was pretty sure I was going to be either walked out at any moment, or the HR woman would come and drag me to the lactation room where we would have wild relations.

I live in my own mind.

But, instead, I got this:

PHEW.

Bullet dodged.

Ha. Bullet.

That's a sex toy, too.

And then there was this cameo...

Just going to pimp out a few of my friends over at The Science of Parenthood today.

They have a new book coming out THIS FRIDAY, April 17th, 2015:

I can tell you that, yes, I have read the book and, yes, it is hilarious.

However when I say I've 'read' it I mean 'I've read my Tweets in it' because I am one of the contributors to the book!

WOOT.

Honestly, the book is pretty awesome and hysterical. There are a TON of awesome comedians in it who have plenty to Tweet about in regards to parenting. Even if you're not a parent, you'll find this book seriously fucking hysterical. It's really pretty awesome.

I'll update the post with the link when it's available. In the meantime, go find Science of Parenthood here:

The Science of Parenthood web site

Twitter

Facebook

Tell them I sent you and you will receive absolutely no special treatment.

This is what I get for not asking them for star treatment.

The Power of Christ Compels You....to lie to people inappropriately

My son bought a new game for the XBox a few weeks ago called "Fibbage."

In a nutshell, you must come up with fake answers to questions and make the other players believe it's the truth.

Instead of "Fibbage" maybe it should be called "Marriage."

Seriously, honey. I was totally out with the guys last Friday.

The great part of the game is that you play on any internet-connected device. You sit in the same room as the XBox gives you categories. One player is randomly picked to choose the category. Then the XBox narrates the question, and you submit your answer using your own phone, tablet, laptop, etc., etc.

The first part is making up your own player name.

Here's how this goes in my house:

Keep in mind that most of these are names my children picked.

If there is a Hell, we are all certainly going to it.

I didn't take a screenshot of player names like "Anal Secretion" and "Nickelblech."

I regret some of my decisions.

Then you get the question, and the submitted answers from the players (one answer is always the truth). Here's what THAT looks like in my house:

So, that's what it looks like with the answers submitted and the missing word.

"Waxing his butthole" was mine. Yes, we are still playing with my children at this time. Yet another reason why they will need therapy at some point, I'm sure. The correct answer there was 'heroin.'

Here's another example:

The 'your mom' one never fails to kill me. I will laugh for 10 minutes straight.

On a side note, you'd be amazed at how many of these questions where 'your mom...OHHHH!' actually works as an answer.

Here's an example of the the correct answer, 'Cry' being shown - but with our other submissions listed:

My submission was 'saw a woman in half.'

No one picked it. I'm not sure why.

Also not sure why 'Your Mom..OHHHHH' wasn't submitted here, either.

It fits perfectly. Just like Your M-

Never mind.

You know you wanna...

Before I get to writing my new post, just wanted to let you all know that the pre-sale for my upcoming book, "Romantic as Hell" will be going on VERY VERY shortly!!

If you're interested in getting an advanced copy of the PDF (unfinished) and would like to give it a review on your website/blog, you can sign up by clicking this link:

CLICK THIS LINK AND BECOME IMMORTAL*

*immortality totally not guaranteed, FYI

FYI, by going there and signing up, you'll get a sneak peek at the cover of the book and, I have to tell you, it's pretty fucking phenomenal. Probably because I didn't make it this time.

Hope to see you there! If you know anyone that does book reviews or would also like a copy for their blog, please share the link!

Stay tuned for an upcoming real post.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled whatever.

of trampolines and white trash

We took the kids to an indoor trampoline park the other day.

If you've never heard of these, they are basically ginormous places where you spend $15 per kid to have them jump on trampolines for an hour and exhaust themselves to they can fall asleep around 6 pm.

It is SO WORTH IT.

We arrived at the trampoline place and found it packed. We all took our coats off and the kids took their shoes off and we promptly claimed a table by piling everything up on and under it.

Off the kids went.

The wife and I followed to go watch. She watched the kids while I watched all the moms jumping around with their own.

Boobs are funny when they flippity flop.

There was an area where the kids were able to joust "American Gladiator" style by standing on a beam over a foam pit and try to bash the other kid off using giant foam Q-tips. This was awesome, although I did get reprimanded by the attendant for yelling "NO MERCY" and "HEAD SHOT! GO FOR THE HEAD!" about 200 times.

We're a competitive family.

The wife and I decided to go sit down because at our age standing up for longer than 3 minutes at a time is probably unhealthy.

I'm not a doctor.

As we approached the table, we noticed two women had commandeered it. They were sitting in front of our coats and on the bench over all the shoes. My wife, mind you, had tested and passed for her green belt just the day before and was pretty sore. I was also pretty sore because of the 'no sex before a fight rule' and now I was looking at a good few days of no-nookie because she could barely move. My balls were killing me at this point.

"This is our stuff," my wife said to the women.

"This is ours," she said, pointing at OUR OWN COATS.

"Um...no," my wife continued. "These are our coats."

"Well, ours are over there," the woman said, pointing to coats on the other side of the table on the bench seat. "You can sit there."

"I think I'll sit here," and then my wife sat down.

Let me rephrase this.

My wife sat down PRESSED UP RIGHT NEXT TO THE WOMAN.

It was at this point that the woman seated right next to my wife began using words as "rude," and "bitch" and then - the kicker - "white trash."

My wife looked at me, fresh from her Kenpo test and said, "white trash?"

Uh oh.

The verbal argument that ensued between the two of them escalated when the OTHER woman started pointing at my wife.

"Why would you call me 'white trash,'" my wife asked. "You don't even KNOW ME."

"I know you're rude. I'm calling the cops."

This was getting good. Two women going at it. In my silence, I was trying to hide, like, the biggest boner.

After a minute of the back-and-forth, I could hold my silence no longer.

"White trash?" I said. "Really?"

I said this, looking at the two women, both in black jeans with greasy curly hair. They had really thick Boston accents (I have one, too) which didn't make their case any better.

"What are you?" one of the women said, "A midget?"

"I prefer dwarf."

"Go away, shrimp," the first woman said.

"I won't take insults from someone with Jeri-Curl hair."

"WHAT?" she said...and then...

"That's disriminitative. Jeri curl."

Um.

Huh?

I looked at her and crouched down to her seated level.

"Discriminitative isn't even a word."

My wife, at this point, got up and grabbed everything to move as the first woman pretend-called the police.

"Come on," my wife said.

"I can't. I'm being discriminitative. I have to find out what this means first."

But, my wife was right. We should probably move. I always hate being accused of discriminitative verbostitatiousness.

On the bright side, no one was killed. My wife didn't end up in jail.

And the kids were all asleep by 6 PM.

Like I said, so worth it.

Cover Me

The breaking news of late is that my third book should be coming out this Spring!

It's called, "Romantic as Hell - Tales of Woe, Tips of Woo."

As it stands right now, it's in the hands of my editor and then off to my publisher for final formatting.

However...

There stands the issue of the cover.

I've come up with a couple of ideas, none of which I'm completely sold on. Here are some that I came up with on my own for the front:

Personally, I like the second one better.

I also had another idea of a woman's foot in a red high heel shoe stepping on a teddy bear for the front, and another shot of her stepping on a heart-shaped box of chocolates for the back.

However, my wife refuses to be a foot model and mine are hairy. Also, my pumps are, like, SO OLD.

I've said too much.

Another idea is to have a teddy bear tied to an archery target, with flaming arrows surrounding him.

As you can tell, the book is pretty anti-teddy bear.

If any of you want to throw some ideas my way, have at it. I'm always open to suggestions, especially if the suggestion includes alcohol. If you're good at PhotoShop or any graphics program, and want to give it a go, I can give you an acknowledgement in the back of the book and promise you a signed copy of the book, plus the usual praises in your general direction, etc., etc.

I'm being bullied by Apple.

In my cubicle, I have a Mac Powerbook that I use for testing.

Yes, I'm a software quality assurance engineer.

This is exactly why none of your shit works and your computer reboots every 30 seconds.

The Mac has a screen saver that scrolls dictionary words across and then pauses on certain ones. Whenever I happen to look over at it, it's always shit like this:

 

Okay. I suppose that one makes sense.

Next:

I wouldn't say I'm exactly offbeat, but more like, 'peculiar' or 'really muscly and attractive.'

Finally:

It's at this point that I'm thinking the laptop has become self-aware and is actually watching me.

Either that, or my boss programmed it since, you know, I'm typing this at work.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack - kinda

Well,

It's been a while and a lot has gone on in the Lacroix household.

That said, I've now got my own website and domain, dedicated to my books and videos and news. You can find me here:

RodneyLacroix.com

My new book, "Romantic as Hell" is just about ready for final formatting and has been sent off to my publisher, so STAY TUNED.

I'll be posting here as well from time to time now that I'm back on the scene and everything has settled down a bit. Hopefully you're all still out there and interested in the stupid shit I have to say or show you.

*flashes penis*

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled blog...

Confession: This post has been a long time coming.

Until further notice, "Mental Poo" is going on a hiatus.

This is a really hard paragraph for me to write because I know there are a LOT of you out there who may be new readers or faithful fans and followers.

To those of you who have been with me for the last OHMYGOD 6 years or so of this blog, I'm sure you've noticed that - well - it's just not the same around here any more. The stories have turned to pictures. There is very little text.

I think, in large part, it's because I'm just not feeling funny here any more.

Back when I started this blog, I had a lot of stories to tell. A LOT of them. And I told them in a shitty style with bizarre pictures and people came and read and laughed.

That doesn't happen much any more. I think the fact that the blog is a dying art, and I've turned my attention to writing books, is a major part of that. PLUS, I have an actual REAL job that I'm trying to keep - so finding the time and material to do this is getting more difficult.

Truth be told, there is a LOT going on in my personal life that I DON'T put out on Twitter or Facebook or this blog. Everyone has their demons to deal with, and mine are sapping my desire to write on a daily or even weekly basis.

Once upon a time I wrote SO MUCH that I was scheduled out with posts 4 months in advance. Right now, I have 3 posts that were scheduled.

3.

I start my mornings tired. I go through my day mentally exhausted. My nights are sleepless. My stress and anxiety is off the charts. There is so much I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Depression? Probably. Anxiety? Definitely. Stress? Oh fuck yes.

Suffice it to say, my wife is amazing and supportive and I'm lucky to have found her. But there's so much more going on that even she feels the stress and strain of it all.

So, until things - hopefully - start taking a turn for me, I'm going to need to focus on getting myself back in order.

That will probably take some time.

Please note that I am STILL on Twitter and Facebook (you can find the links on the side) and have managed to move most of my funny over to those mediums because I have a short attention span and like chocolate.

You can also check me out on Amazon - where I currently have 2 best selling comedy books and 3 more in the works. No shit.

That said, I'm closing up shop here for a while, but PLEASE KNOW that I love each and every one of you.

Except you, Jim, from Accounting. I still think you're an asshole.

Moog out.

Two Funny Brains and the Shampoo Video

I was asked - once again - by the VERY funny ladies over at Two Funny Brains to do a video for them regarding a 'Man's Take' on things.

They call the segment "Men on Women" but my idea for a video with that title is WAY different than what they wanted.

So I made them a video like they asked.

Here you go - click this link if you can't see the embedded video:



Seriously. No one needs to be that clean.

If you're looking for my first video - about PILLOWS - you can find it right here.

Check out the ladies, follow them on Twitter and like them on Facebook.

 ..and stay tuned..because they've asked me to do more videos.