Mental Poo: August 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

GET FORCE FACTOR AND GET BIG MUSCLES AND ONE TEENY TINY NOGGIN.

Sometimes when I'm checking my email I'll see these ads on the edge of the page which I typically ignore but I haven't figured out how to ignore the 'SHOCKING MUSCLE PICTURE' ones like this:

Good Christ.

Listen. I like going to the gym as much as the next guy (read: not at all) but if I take a supplement to get more muscles that has the distinct side effect of etching the Van Halen Logo into my head, I'll have to say 'thank you but NO THANK YOU.'

Oh, wait.

There's another..

..um..

..advertisement.

Dude.

Gross.

The last time I saw something like that it was when Bugs Bunny fought 'The Crusher.'

Oh.

There's one more picture of this guy in the ad..

Nice bean there, buddy..

I can see the bumper sticker now:

"Got teeny tiny disproportionate head?"

Let's actually make this a little more accurate:

There.

I actually had to rescale this guy's head at 130% so it didn't look like that guy in the waiting room in the movie Beetlejuice.

Of course, being an avid weightlifter, I'm always interested in new products so I decided to see what I'd look like if I gave in and took "Force Factor" myself.

Gah.

I think I'll stick with Muscle Milk.

My head is small enough as it is.

That one's free.

Monday, August 29, 2011

For your birthday present, I got you into an argument with your wife

FYI: Today is my birthday.

Carry on.

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If you follow me on Twitter, you may or may not have seen this:

In related news, my true friends are few and far between.

BUT, if you're one of my good friends AND it happens to be your birthday AND we're friends on Facebook, you just might find something like this posted on your Facebook wall:

Public humiliation.

It's how I roll.

But here's where that Tweet comes from..because my friend, John, that I wished 'Happy Birthday, lover!' to?

He LIKED the status.

See? Sense of humor. Guy knows where I'm coming from.

Contrast that to my other friend and former co-worker, Barry's response:

Granted that John is young and single and Barry is older and happily married with three kids and now has to answer shit from his wife and children, like, "ARE YOU GAY?!" and "You told me this was just a string of extra-large pearls!" but, seriously..block me?

BLOCK ME?!

Yeah. Probably a good idea.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Wrapping Up the Week - August 28, 2011

Before I start today, I want to remind everyone of two things:

1) My birthday is TOMORROW
2) My new Zazzle store is open and making me stinking rich would be a great present

Thanks.

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Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I have a new installment of 'How to Harass Your Local FOX News affiliate on Facebook'

OMG IT IS SO MUCH FUN.

..almost as fun as doing THIS to your girlfriend's banana.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

I love when my kids draw things.

I also love when I get spam responses on Blog promotion sites because, well, I love messing with people.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

I prepare to undergo a 'stress test' but since I've never had a stress test I hypothesize about what, you know, a stress test actually is.

HINT: I WAS WRONG

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

I run across some corporation names that seem a bit redundant.

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

I was gonna post some funny blogs that I read this week but, honestly, you people really haven't been pulling your weight lately so I'm hoping you just go buy a shirt on my Zazzle store.

Tomorrow is my birthday, you know.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Chiquita knows all...

I got an idea from The Bloggess about scoring words into the peels of bananas using a toothpick or knife.

Through some sort of hokus-pokus and probably something to do with science, the words will magically appear days later.

So, I did this to a bunch of bananas on my girlfriend's counter and didn't tell her.

This showed up on her Facebook page two days later:

Way to focus there, Rosanne.

Then, of course, I fessed up because, well, I enjoy having sex sometimes and I don't need her predisposed to trying to ward off evil banana spirits 24 hours a day while I sit in the corner by myself playing with my own banana.

Priorities, yo.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I don't think Fox News considers me a 'friend' any more.

I've decided to turn my Facebook assholishnessicicity (trademark pending) into a regular series because, well, a post is a post.

If you're a friend of mine on Facebook then you may or may not know that I have an amazing ability to have amazing abilities.

One of these amazing abilities is commenting inappropriately on serious stories.

A while ago I did my first post on some of my responses to the local Fox News Channel's Facebook status updates.

It proved to be pretty popular so I did a second one and, well, a third.

And, well...here we go again.

However, this time I've branched out and also included comment-bombing a local New Hampshire station. Yay me.

Enjoy.

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This first story was about a Canadian couple who had a child and is not divulging the child's gender.

The child's name is "Storm."

..and then Whitey Bulger (America's Most Wanted fugitive for, like, 20 years or something) was captured and basically was the ONLY news story in New England for weeks.

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So I guess I'll keep on doing this shit until someone over at Fox 25 News in Boston (waves to Gene Lavanchy) hires me as an on-the-spot correspondent or starts paying me to write this stuff.

Doubtful, but worth a shot.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wrapping Up the Week - August 21, 2011

Before I start today, I want to remind everyone of two things:

1) My birthday is in 8 days
2) My new Zazzle store is open and making me stinking rich would be a great present

Thanks.

******************

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

In order to cover my disgusting bicep surgery scar, I offer up some tattoo ideas and ask for your input.

That was kind of stupid, in hindsight, to be honest with you.

I drew another cartoon - this one is one of my favorites!!

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

My kids left some stuffed animals on the table and this is what I do when I'm staring at them and bored.

You're welcome.

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Two Years Ago this week on Mental Poo':

My daughter draws a picture. It's me, on the toilet.

Like you're surprised by that, really.

This is about the time we found out that my daughter almost burned down our house.

Ah. Children.

*shoots self*

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

The one-armed spelunker.

(it's not what you think)

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

The Veggie Assassin writes about Ohio and I, being the good doobie that I am, help contribute by sending her a link to one of the funniest videos on the planet.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

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Thursday, August 18, 2011

I Drew a Cartoon! - It's Like 'Cocoon' but in Bizarro-World

I drew another cartoon for you people today because, honestly, I really didn't feel like doing work AT ALL.

Microsoft Paint is my copilot.

Enjoy.

Man.

I need a hobby.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Scarred for Life....or...Am I???

If you come here often (wink) then you know that I had to have bicep surgery that left my arm looking like this when the doctor took my cast off:

After I recovered from passing out in the doctor's office, I was told that it would take 12 weeks for this friggin' thing to heal.

Well, it's been 9 weeks since the surgery as I write this, and my arm currently looks like this:

Gah.

I mean, it's better than the other look with all the stitches in it and blood and

*passes out*

I was at karate and one of the guys there goes:

"You should get a tattoo there. Cover it up."

Yes. Because I love getting tattooed SO MUCH THE FIRST TIME.

(sarcasm)

Regardless, his suggestion for my tattoo?

Yes. A centipede.

He figured since the scar looked like one it just made sense but I kind of poo-poo'd the idea because all I can see is looking down every 5 minutes and trying to GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!!

Not cool.

So I started thinking of some other ideas for tattoos that I could hide the scar in.

Like:

Then I rethought this again because, you know..

IT'S STILL BUGS.

Ooh! Got one!

That's Oogie Boogie from "Nightmare Before Christmas" and I ended up having to do this as some ying-yang upside-down thing because my scar is, like, 8 inches long and to get this to scale right I'd have to be Popeye.

Still, this is kind of kick-ass.

Then I remembered the scene in the movie where the maggots come out and, you know, BUGS so screw that.

Maybe a bit of a collage?

The only problem with this is that I think I'd have to get the rights to use these images but I've only made $10 from my Cafepress store and my only paid advertiser on my sidebar over there is Ron fucking Paul so that's out.

Plus the guy with the scar kind of freaks me out.

How about this one?

Weird. It just started thundering.

Maybe I'll just leave it alone.

Moog out.