Mental Poo: December 2010

Friday, December 31, 2010

It's the End of the World and We Know It and I Feel Like Dog Shit

Yes. It's the end of the world.

Well. By 'world' I mean 'year.'

I was going to do my 'year-end retrospective' but I'm kind of tired and I don't think you'd appreciate it so instead I'm going to give you my TOP 11 POSTS OF THE YEAR because what better way to tell you what the Hell happened better than to make you jump all over the place to figure it out.

Also I picked '11' since, you know, it's going to be 2011 and all and that's the best you're going to get from me in regards to depth right now.

Just roll with it, people.

You can click on the page link or the picture to be taken to the post.

(I'm going by page visits as well as comment counts here, in case you were wondering)

#11: The Time I Tried to Kill Someone In My Apartment Building

My newspaper kept disappearing after I moved into this apartment so I figured I'd try to find ways to catch the thief and..well..

HERE YOU GO.

#10: A Motivational Poster...REALLY?!

I kind of find this one hard to figure out but stats don't lie so here is the #10 top post of 2010:

#9: How One Man's Facial Hair Changed History

I have to tell you..this is one of my personal all-time favorites.

#8: My First "Family Circus" Skewing

So I got sick of not laughing at "Family Circus" and decided to make my own captions.

This is the first post of many of those.

#7: And Then I Held a Pair of Fake Sunglasses Hostage at Work.

Since nothing funny was going on, I decided to invent my own as soon as I saw the note in the locker room about the missing sunglasses.

The rest, they say, is history.

#6: If you've never ever read one of Kristin's stories..this may not be the best place to start.

I got 90 comments on this one in a 6 hour period.

I can't believe I just said that word.

#5: My Take on Holiday Cards...from Divorced People

Since I was sick of all those shmoopy family cards, I wondered what it would be like if they made cards for divorced people.

Voila.

#4: The One About Ruben Studdard Ninja Spiders

I can't even explain this one.

#3: My Job Moonlighting as "Dish Dolly R Us, Inc"

Sometimes, my innate ability to be a complete asshole for no reason other than to amuse myself completely amazes me.

This is one of those times.

#2: The Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher - Episode #1

I debut my popular, yet controversial, "Hulk Reads Notes to a Teacher" video series because when my ex-wife would show me notes written to her from her kids' parents, all I could think of was the Hulk reading them.

You kind of have to watch it.

..and now...

..the NUMBER ONE POST of 2010...

#1: The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

As of the date I wrote this (12/27/10), this one post had over 14,300 page views in just ELEVEN DAYS..making it - by far - the most popular post I ever had.

Also, fittingly, it's a 'year in review' letter about me..so, kind of a good wrap-up.

I was going to include a full picture of the letter, but it was too long (twss) so just click here and it will load right up for you.

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Honorable Mentions:

The Time I Went to a Gay Bar: That's all I'm gonna say about this one.

Anti-Semitic Sudoku: The tale of a boy, his newspaper puzzle, and a German dictator.

Pornographic Astrology and Breakfast Sandwiches: I take the Jimmy Dean sausage spokesman down to an entirely different level.

How to Properly Court a Ceiling Crevice: This is what happens when building damage resembles female genitalia to me.

The Racist Diorama: Don't worry..it's not as bad as you think. Kinda cute, actually.

Ms Sharon Wilfred Wants my Love Shafd - Part Two: Why part two of this spam email post got twice as many hits as part one is still a mystery. Must be my awesome sword picture.

Whammy Bar: My son takes 'playing with yourself' to a whole new level.

Hamster Pink is the New Hamster Black: I get a divorce and a new apartment and a hamster and please kill me.

Tortoise Embryos and Robot Anal Probes: aaaah...kindergarten projects.

I Hate My Teenagers and the Oldest One is Only 9: A heartwarming tale about how I almost caused my parents divorce by going to the video store.

Collect them all!

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I've had a ton of great comments this year and a lot of new visitors, followers.

Don't forget you can click on my sidebar over there and subscribe to my blog feed or follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook or mailto:midgetmanofsteel@yahoo.com because I'm always accepting topless photos, ladies.

Have a safe and happy New Year, everyone.

Moog out.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Smack my Face and Call me Aang

I was bored at work the other day because no one had answered my question on Twitter whether or not pasting Mario Lopez' hair onto the Ayatollah Khomenei's head would result in a fatwa against me so I decided to IM my friend Kristin.

Work is hard, yo.

Anyway, Kristin had been complaining that her face hurt around her left eye at which point I assumed that her husband, Jeff, was abusing her which is nothing to be taken lightly, of course, but I was joking around and when joking around, nothing says 'funny' like spousal abuse commentary.*

*notsomuch

Also this scenario is pretty unrealistic since she could totally kick his ass PLUS even though she's married to him, Jeff is kind of gay and the best he could probably muster was, like, a semi-hard pinch or something.

So my morning was comprised of an Instant Message involving porn, spousal abuse, and The Last Airbender...and then writing this post.

Then I went back to my Mario Lopez/Ayatollah Khomenei project.

Seriously, am I gonna be in deep shit with the Arab world for this or what?

Meh.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Decorating Your Way to Holiday Failure

If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter failure above and beyond realizing that you probably subscribe to this blog and just laughed at the post where I shit myself or was attacked by shampoo and you may or may not have purchased one of my AMAZING COFFEE MUGS (less than $12!!) then may I suggest the following:

Build a gingerbread ANYTHING.

Example #1: The Gingerbread Shanty

My ex-wife was the first to delve into this shitty idea by first trying to build a "Gingerbread Village" with the kids.

I got this picture message from her while they were working on it:

"What the village is supposed 2 look like"

Immediately followed by this picture message:

"Our ghetto village"

Two seconds later, I get this other text from her:

"We were supposed to get 5 houses. instead we got 4 trailers and a tenament house"

And then I died laughing.

Awesome.

Ex or not, she still makes me crack the Hell up.

Example #2: Jimmy the Very Special Choo-Choo

Shortly after, the kids and I, in a fit of my infinite wisdom, tried to build a gingerbread choo-choo train because, well, I thought it would be a good idea and fun and apparently I'm really stupid.

Just before we started, I Tweeted this:

Seriously - I've installed toilet seats that resulted in building evacuations.

Not so handy.

Regardless, here's what it's supposed to look like:

This is what it ended up like:

Um...

Wow.

The resemblance to the box is uncanny.

Then I Tweeted this:

The highlight of the evening, though, was when my kids posed for pictures with the gingerbread pieces.

Awesome.

Nothing like a little bit of Nazi Germany to brighten up your holiday.

Maybe we should have just eaten the things after that instead of trying to decorate them and hearing my kids say things like, "Well..this is just horrible" and "OH NO IT'S FALLING OVER!" over and over again.

I hear that enough during sex.

Happy Holidays to you and your ghetto villagers.

Moog out.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's Not Even Christmas but I Already Got What I Wanted

This will be my last post before Christmas.

My gift to you.

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..and then my daughter made me cry.

Here's what I found on top of her Christmas list:

"A new home for dad"

Gift Category: Love.

Now...I'm not going to lie to you.

I've had a rough year with a ton of shitty moments that culminated with my wife and I divorcing after nearly 15 years of marriage and over 20 years of courtship.

And then there are times when I look at stuff like this and remember why I'm here on Earth to begin with.

To be their dad.

And, honestly, that's all I could ever ever want in this entire world.

I hope you all get what you want for Christmas or Hannukah or Kwanzaa or for your Fatwa/Jihad/Infidel Burning Ceremony.

Cuz I already got what I wanted.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Moog out.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Motivational Filler - MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today...

...except a custom "motivational poster" made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

This one aired a while ago but it's one of my favorites and, well, it IS almost Christmas after all so I figured this was appropriate.

Enjoy.

Here's today's poster for you (click to enlarge (that's what she said)):

God I love that poster so much.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here or on this cute little button:

You can also purchase Authentic "Motivate THIS" Mental Poo Merchandise at the 'Mental Poo' store, or click any of the images below to be taken right there.

Yeah. I'm in it for the money.

Duh.

Moog out... and Merry Christmas, everyone.

Monday, December 20, 2010

It's Like a Venus Flytrap only Christmasier

Just a quickie today (that's what she said).

My new cell phone is "state-of-the-art" compared to my old cell phone which had rotary dial and came with one of those operator ladies who plugs the cords into the wall to connect you to the General Store so you can order more chicken feed.

My new cell phone takes video!! This excites me for several reasons...12 of which involve youporn.com but we won't get into that right now.

So with my new video-taking, non-rotary-dial, God-I-miss-Glenda-my-phone-operator cell phone in hand with my kids at Walmart as we wandered into the "Christmas Decoration" section...

..this is shit I do with it.

God I love technology.

But I really miss Glenda.

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I will be taking a tiny Christmas break here for a few days but feel free to rewatch this over and over and over again and share it or go to my Youtube channel by clicking here or on this little icon right here:

Merry Christmas to all you Jesus people, and have a great weekend to everyone else (read: heathens).

Moog out.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wrapping Up the Week - December 19, 2010

Before I start today:

HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL!

Yeah. You're reading that right.

As of 7:00 am pm on Saturday, this site was racking up hits faster than a Cheech and Chong reunion.

Primarily thanks to this weeks' posts (which you'll see in a minute) and, for some reason, the one where I just simply harassed a guy who accidentally emailed me and I pretended to be a Dish Dolly Salesman.

Asshole sells.

Just in case you missed another fun-filled week on Mental Poo...

My Posts from this Week:

I get a letter thinking I'm gonna get something cool then it turns out to be SPAM so, you know, I email the woman back.

It's amazing that I actually still get emails.

THESE ARE THE BIGGIES:

I wonder what holiday cards would look like if they made them for divorced people.

*ahem
THE MONEY MAKER OF THE WEEK THAT SET MENTAL POO ALL-TIME RECORDS:

One of the comments on my 'holiday card' post suggested I do a 'Holiday Letter.' So I did. And the rest, as they say, is HOLY SHIT I GOT 12k hits in 12 hours!!

*pees pants

I still can't believe that shit.

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Moments in MENTAL POO History:

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A year ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

A Thanksgiving retrospective that involves vampires and..well..now it just sounds stupid.

Living vicariously through my friends is how I get through most of my days.

Especially if there's flour involved.

And then, in the spirit of the holiday season, I invoked the most blasphemous video of all time.

You're welcome.

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Two Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo':

Do you remember when we had the GREAT ICE STORM OF 2008 up here in the Northeast?

I do.

IT SUCKED.

Well..for most people.

I watch "The Year Without a Santa Claus" and all I can think about is WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO JESSICA?!?!?!?!

Damn, woman. The Hell.

I go see my son's karate tournament and all I get is this year supply of Rogaine for Men.

Awesome.

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Three Years Ago this week on 'Mental Poo

Yep. I wanna be a porn star.

Duh.

Edumacating my children is a wicked bitch, yo.

DICK BROWN! DICK BROWN! Sorry..sorry..BROWN DICK! BROWN DICK!

Kinda gotta read it.

An ode to nicknames. And Smudge. And Pepe.

These descriptions don't make any sense whatsoever.

I somehow manage to include snowfall, weathermen, and my penis all in one post and this all makes sense in my head.

I have no idea what's wrong with me.

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Some funny stuff that's not mine that I read this week:

Someday I will fly to wherever Steam Me Up, Kid lives and make sweet sweet love to her after tying her husband in the garage or whatever I have to do. The woman absolutely crushes every post.

It's uncanny.

One of the greatest, weirdest but most awesome things I have ever seen. The best part is reading the play-by-play after you watch the movie.

AMAZING.

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There you go, folks.

Some new shit, some old shit.

That should keep you busy.

See you on Monday.

Moog out.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Moooooog Family Holiday Letter

So hot on the heels of my "Divorced Person Holiday Cards," someone commented that at least I didn't do or get those stupid holiday letters where people write about what bullshit they and their family did over the past year.

You don't have to ask me twice, people.

Enjoy.

Yep.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Friday.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Here..Have a Friggin' Holiday Card

Normally at this time of year you start getting all those stupid frigging Christmas cards from people you barely remember or wish you'd forget and - OH GOODIE - the included several picture of their kids like I could actually give a shit what their kids looked like.

When I was married we were guilty of this shit, too.

Not the 'including pictures of my kids in the card,' thing - because, you know, we weren't losers.

But this year I'm divorced so I won't be sending out Christmas Cards but then I started thinking..

..what DO divorced people send out?

..and then I got tired of making them because this couch isn't going to sit on itself while I eat ice cream, holding pictures of my children and sobbing uncontrollably.

At least I have my hamster to keep me company.

Oh good God this blows.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Spam Goes the Easel

Got this in my inbox the other day:

So obviously this is bullshit so I go to their webpage, msomarketing.com, and see this:

There are no working links on this page other than "Privacy Policy" which although it was pretty long and I didn't really read it I think it says something like, "our policy is to keep everything we do private."

Way to ignore my email, bitch.

No response yet.

Apparently easels are tougher to get than I thought.